Marci Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hi All, I am in the grieving process now and its only been since Feb. that my Mom passed. It seems so fresh now since the services are over and I find myself missing her more and more. I miss running home from work to care for her etc. although I know she hated to be taken care she was so independent and strong and the disease just consumed her and I. My major obstacle now is my job that I have gone back to work regularly in my eyes although I have taken some days here and there when I am either truly sick or just have hit bottom of the depression. I used all of my time vacation, sick, etc. in the beginning of the year when Mom was declining and then passed. I used FMLA also after I had used my time. I do not accrue anymore vacation this year although I do get 1 sick day per month which I seem to burn through so easily. My main concern is that have any others experienced the employer holding it up against you for someone passing away and having to take the time off? I mean she wasn't just someone she was my Mother and I feel I have this cloud over me now there and feel no matter what I do I can't redeem myself there almost like they have seen me in that light and thats what they base their judgement on my as an employee. I have always prided myself in being a good employee but this happening was major for me. Just curious if others experienced this backlash and what they did about it. Thanks for listening Marci Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I didn't have this issue with my employer at the time. My boss was great. If you feel it is being held against you, it can't hurt to sit down calmly and say, "I feel like this is being held against me. I'm still seriously grieving, and I want to make sure it isn't just me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 ((((((Marci))))) I am a cancer survivor, not a caregiver so I cannot relate to what you are going through. Just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry you are going through this and hope things get better for you. Hugs - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I gotta agree with Nick. Is there any way you can sit down and talk?? Its very hard for people to relate to something of this magnitude that have not experienced it themselves. They don't understand the magnitude unless they are or have been in same boat, and maybe that's the problem. I had a great support system at my company when Deb died so cant relate Completely. But I did lose my wife so I can relate!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Marci, I'm a survivor, but my Mom passed away in Feb. of congestive heart failure/MRSA staph infection. My work has been very good to me. But sometimes I think they get fed up with my missing work. I was thinking about talking to a counselor here at work, they have EPA that helps the employees with all kinds of stuff. I just try and do the best I can, but I have to admit that a lot of the time that's not very good. Good luck and sending you prayers for strength and peace of mind. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hi Marci, I didn't have any issues with my employers when my husband died. They never said anything negative about my missing work, or even when I was at work when I would just cry at my desk or go to the bathroom to cry for extended periods. The only problem I had was that I was in a crucial role for the company I was at, and they asked me to return to work 4 days after the funeral. I truly wasn't ready to go back, but the fact that I went in and did my best despite all that I was going through I think they appreciated, even though it was probably only 10% of what my best would have been just months earlier. I guess we both figured 10% was better than nothing. The fact that you say you prided yourself on being a good employee before, I'm sure did not go unnoticed. Your management knows what you've been through, and unless they are completely heartless cold and terrible bosses they probably have empathy for you. Yes, they still need to get things accomplished, and they expect that you do the best you can. That is all anyone can ask. they also know you will heal and get better in time, and they must know you are still a valuable employee. As proof that they must still value you and your performance, you have to look no further than the fact that you still have a job. We are in the middle of one of the worst economies and unemployment in decades. There are hundreds of qualified employees who are unemployeed in every field in every city. Since your mother's passing, you are no longer protected under FMLA, if they were truly unhappy with you, they could have easily replaced you. But, the fact that they haven't shows they value you. But I do know what you are feeling. I felt the same thing myself. Especially since I took great pride in my work. I think the person holding something against you for missing your work, is you. I know that no one ever held it against me, but I felt they they must. How could they not. I knew I wasn't performing at my peak abilities, I was sure in my head and heart that they must all see and feel those same things. But in actuality I was underestimating my management. Not only were they good business people, they were good people. Sure, they may have noticed I wasn't able to just pop back to business as usual, but they were empathetic and so many people stepped up to help pick up the load and accomplish all the things I could not do alone in my grief. it's amazing the power of people, some whom you barely know, but when you lose someone you love, people feel your pain too and people want to help even if they don't say. Like others have said, it may be a good idea for you to strike up a conversation with your manager, especially if it is bothering you. You already have so much weighing down on your mind and your heart. You don't need another stressful thing, and maybe they can ease your mind. God Bless you, and I am so very sorry for your loss. I will pray for God's comfort and peace to surround you. It is a LONG and SLOW road to recovery. And it is never going to be where you are "all better". You will always love and miss your mom, but in time you will find ways to live and cope with the pain, to work past the pain, and incorporate your mom and all the wonderful memories of her into what is now your new life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 You don't even want to get me started on this..My boss is horrific..She is just brutal...We were locked in battle over issues for a year, even though I was working an average of 45 hours a week, she didn't think it was enough time. So push came to shove, and I won the battle. She won't even talk to me. She is freaking clueless about how much it takes to do all the stuff we have to do with Jack and Col's appointments etc.. I've tied her hands now, and she can't say anything to me, but she hates me:) Best part of it all...I could care less. I tried being nice, i tried being agreeable, I tried reaching an understanding, then I just tried to p*** her off. At least I succeeded on the last one. I guess the biggest difference between me and normal people, is I could care less about my job. I'm a tax guy...I can always find work...I'm not giving my life to a huge company, who knows me as a number and a salary amount. It's just not me. I would say try to do what you can to work through it with your employer....But whatever you do, do it for YOU. Like I said...Don't get me started:) I wish you all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 Hi All, Thanks for all your input. I know I have to sit and talk to my boss, I just feel like I don't want to open a can of worms if I do that. I feel the more I avoid it maybe it will go away but it seems to rear its ugly head at work now and then. They were very good to me when I was out with my Mom while she was ill and then when she passed but now they have made comments about being out and not having the family member anymore. I found that so cold and offensive. Just b/c she is gone from this Earth doesn't mean I am not struggling still in my grieving. Yes, I know the economy is horrible and people would grab my job in a second flat. My family keeps telling me just keep holding on for now this too shall pass. Again, thanks for the support I somehow feel better with the support given that I am not alone in this. Thanks for listening Marci Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbb Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Marci, It will never cease to amaze me how boss's can be so clueless. I was fired a year ago, 7 months after my husband died. I wanted to quit but my therapist wanted me to stay awhile to have a schedule since I live alone in the country. A few months later the "boss" told another employee he rather missed me. Then a few weeks ago both receptionists were out and he asked my friend, "I suppose it would be tacky to call Barb"? She said, "Uh Yeah it would". I laughed when she told me. Oh sure I'll go in and cover your A$$ after you kicked me when I was down. I have been glad to be out of there every hour since last June. Barbb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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