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dbernard

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Hi,

This will also be our first Christmas without Mom. I'm not sure exactly how you go on.....just that you do. I have children who still see the excitement and joy of Christmas, so it is for them that I continue on. It certainly won't be the same, just a "new" norm starting. I will be there to support my Dad, who will be experiencing his first Christmas without his wife in 50+ years and put on a brave face for my family and hide my sorrow. I wish you strength through this journey.

Faylene

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This topic hits close to home for us too...My dad also died in September. Thanksgiving was miserable, and I dread the Christmas holidays, but like Faylene, I have a small child who waits for Santa and deserves a tree full of lights and gifts. My mom is a mess and I am not looking forward to christmas day---

We don't have a choice but to muddle thru it...then as the days pass and the next year comes, we muddle thru it again, only maybe next year- without as many tears and with memories that bring comfort and smiles.

That's what everyone tells me anyway.

God bless,

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I just thought I would upload a picture of mom and me. It was taken on Father's Day 2003. My mom was both mother and father to me, so I took her out to dinner to celebrate.

I guess because I have no children to on whom to focus, the holidays will be particularly empty. I don't really feel connected to most of my family, except for a niece and a nephew, who are grown. I will try to see them at some point over the holiday. I think next year, I will try to convince my husband to take a vacation at Christmas, perhaps to someplace warm and quiet.

As of now, I've finished shopping but I find no joy in the holiday. I have no decorations, no lights, no tree. It's just very depressing without my mom.

Thank you for all your words of support. I'm sorry for those of you who are also experiencing the first holiday without your loved one.

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I passed two older women chatting in the supermarket last week and they were having much the same conversation. As I walked by I heard one woman say that the holidays stunk because she missed her husband, her mother, her sister. The list was lengthy. Its definately a bad time of year for those of us going through our "firsts" but also our "second" or in the case of my Dad my 35th. That and the problem I have had even doing any Christmas shopping this year makes me wonder why I never thought about how many people were suffering before when Christmas was such a happy occasion for me. When your family is intact and all is well its such a happy and joyous time of year. I remember how cozy I used to feel when all of my shopping was done and Hugh and I would start the fire on Christmas Eve and just enjoy the decorations and the atmosphere. With Hugh gone, my kids all grown up and married and no parents, Christmas this year has become a nightmare to me. It is taking all of my energy simply to hold myself together. I have bolted from stores several times, cried more tears than I could ever count and wished hundreds of times that I could close my eyes and wake up January 2 after the holidays and Hugh's upcoming 60th birthday.

On the bright side, I did manage to do what little Christmas shopping I intend to do this year. My son "escorted" me to the mall Sunday so that he could be moral support and also to lasso me if I tried to escape. I concentrated on having tunnel vision and flew through the mall in a record 2 hours. Knowing I don't have to go near the stores again is some comfort.

I sure don't know how we get through it, but we will.

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Hugh was 59 and I was 47. I have since had a birthday. Much too young for sure and so many on this sight are even younger with young children. When I concentrate on counting my blessings the fact that our kids had him while they were growing up is among them. Our youngest just turned 22 and was married last year right before Hugh was diagnosed.

I do have friends who have been very supportive and I don't know what I would have done without their help. What would we do without good friends?

Thank you for asking! I hope that your Christmas can at least be pleasant whether its at home or someplace on the beach relaxing in the warm weather.

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I too just lost my mom in August. I am in very deep denial (so my therapist says) about loosing her and have not faced or dealt with it yet. I have pushed all my pain so deep down and am only concentrating on helping my father through his grief that now my family thinks I am headed towards a breakdown.

anyway....I can't think of mom, it tears me open when i do. I can't control the tears when I allow myself to think of her not being there on Christmas morning giving us all presents that we don't know why she got these things for us. It was always a joke that Mom got us the wierdest gifts and why she thought we would love them so.

I know my plans for Christmas Morning is to spend time at the cemetary and talking to her though.

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I have read with interest your post. I have thought about it since it was posted and have thought long and hard about how to answer.

I was given a book about a month ago called the Decembered Grief. It has some very insightful parts to it. Part of the book explains that yes, the holiday will be difficult and it will be different. It means there will be changes made wether we want them or not. Some suggestions are made as to how to handle the changes and what you can do to help yourself get through them. I found it to be a very honest book about what people go through when they lose someone.

For me, I have accepted that Randy is dead and gone from this life. It does not mean he is gone from my heart, as I still love him so. I know I will have to make changes in my life if I want to survive. And I do want to survive. That is a choice I make. That is also what Randy wanted.

I also have decided that I will not celebrate the way we use to but I will recognize that this is the Birthday of Jesus and will honor that day for what it is. As for the "expected" holiday traditions, we as a family will do the ones that we enjoy but have decided that we need to do somethings differently.

Otherwise, I will treat this day as any other. I will do what makes me happy and the kids happy.

I am not going to try to live upto someone elses expectations of me. They do not walk in my shoes. I will hold onto the fact that I know that Randy loved me with all his heart, just as I love him still. I have to let go of what I cannot control. I want Randy to be able to look at us now and feel he is proud of how we are doing. If we were to continue to not apprieciate life, it would be a dishonor to him. I will not do that. He deserves better than that. He wanted us to be happy again and we are working towards that goal.

So think about what your mother would have wanted you to do. Do what you need to do to honor her memory. Make her proud of you. But do what feels right in your heart. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It is between you, her, and God.

I pray you have a peaceful holiday. May you remember your mother and smile that day for her if no one else.

I wish you enough,

Much love,

Shirley

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I thought I would be ok.

I mean, I know I will for my sons sake...he deserves a great christmas, but later at mom & dad's- the empty place at the table where daddy sat...the traditions and his laugh and his silly face when he was trying to be funny.....the total awkwardness of it all- us all sitting there staring at each other and not wanting to eat anything.

I thought I would be ok.

Now, as christmas gets closer, I am falling apart alittle each day. I cry at christmas carols that were his favorites, the sappy christmas lifetime movies and pretty much every show that has a "dad" in it makes me jelous and makes me tear up. HECK, It's as if I just lost him- the emotions are that strong again with the coming of the holiday and I am reliving his death and what we were doing this time last year...etc...

And now Deb has just lost her dad two days before christmas and that makes me incredibly sad for her and I feel like I am mourning again.

I miss you Dad...so so much.

I am checking out tonight until December 26. I don't think I can make it passed Christmas in one piece if I dont, so I am "pulling a RAY" and giving all of you my love and warmest wishes for a nice Christmas.

Stay safe and well,

Love,

Katie

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