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Christmas with Louise

Guest DaveG

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This is so funny... :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::mrgreen:

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville

Sentinel contest to

find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This

won first prize:

"Christmas with Louise"

My brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over

his fireplace

before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for

Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice

must be true

because every Christmas morning, although Jay's

kids' stockings were

overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One

year I decided

to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and

went in search

of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those

things at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.

You'll only

confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things

like, "What does

this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I

wanted to buy a

standard, uncomplicated doll that could also

substitute as a

passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool

lane during rush

hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love

Dolls" come in many

different models. . I

settled for "Lovable Louise."

She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call

Louise a "doll"

took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle

pump, Louise

came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan

and let me in

during the wee morning hours.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the

dangling pantyhose

with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate

some cookies and

drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby

tray. I went home,

and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa

had been to his

house and left a present that had made him VERY

happy but had left

the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk

away, then come back

and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should

remain in her

panty hose so the rest of the family could admire

her when they came

over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My

grandmother noticed

Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What is that?"

she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a


"Who would play with something like that?" Granny

snapped. I had

several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,

to steer her

into dining room. But Granny was relentless. Why

doesn't she have any


Again, I could have answered but why would I? It was

Christmas and no

one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance

saying, "Hang on

Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor

eyesight, sidled up to

me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the

fireplace?" I told him

she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed

Grandpa by the

mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but

actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's

last Christmas

at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk

about who had

died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when

suddenly Louise

made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the

morning. Then she

lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room

twice, and fell in a

heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through

my nose, and

Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and


administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My

brother fell back over

his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her

napkin, stomped

out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my

brother's garage, we conducted a thorough

examination to decide the

cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that

Louise had suffered

from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks

to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her

to perfect health.

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