fighting4mom Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Hello LCSC Family, We are in week 2 of treatment and I am certain many of you can recall being in this position – either as patient or caregiver. First and foremost, I am SO very thankful that my Mom’s side effects have been pretty minimal thus far – but am worried about what lies round the bend. I can’t get over a feeling of anxiety over what comes next and wonder if anyone can identify? I kept hoping that once treatment started and we had a solid plan I would feel more relaxed (I did to some degree thanks to a rx from my doc for xanax). Now that we are here, however, I am constantly thinking “what will the scans show at the end of the 6 weeks?” “What if my Mom does everything right (and she has) and the tumor doesn’t shrink?” She has an amazing attitude now and I would just hate it for her. The docs have explained that radiation, especially, continues working for weeks – sometimes months – after so she is aware. I don’t suppose there is advice or a question here – I think I am merely venting and lamenting and ‘spinning’ over something that I can’t really control. I think I’ll pop another xanax and say another prayer…and fill my head with more positive thoughts. I am just glad to know you are all ‘out there’ and we are all in this together. Thank you for reading! Blessings, Kimberly PS - wow, i think i have just learned that typing it out really does help with working through some of this 'stuff'...amazing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Hi Kimberly, Been there done that! I think it might have gotten a little easier for me. Maybe a little. It's like I was just in this constant state of high anxiety, waiting for the next shoe to drop. The further down the road I get from my treatment and the more positive scans I get, I seem to be calming down a little bit. This is definitly the place to vent and you are not alone with all your feelings. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 For me, knowing that Gene has a scan coming up is almost harder than just continuing with treatment. I need and want to know that the tx is working but heaven forbid, what if they tell us it isn't. How will he respond? Will he give up or want to try something else? What if the MD says there is nothing else to do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 Kimberly, I know the anxiety you are going through. Oh Yes, Xanax what a wonderful thing!!!! I have many other prescription bottles b/c I have fibromyaglia and my husband asked me what the Xanax was for. I said its for making you think your life is better than it is. LOL!!! I heard Ativans are good too for the nerves but I have never tried that I may graduate to next since now I am dealing with the 2nd diagnosis of LC in my family in 4 months. In between the scans I had to do alot of reassuring for my Mom and I would try to be so positive for her. We can only pray and hope that what the next scan will bring wil be great news and that is what I wish and pray for you and your family. I know its hard not to think of it constantly but we fought back at the cancer by thinking ah we gotcha this time and I would get my Mom in that thinking frame of mind too!!!! Blessings Marci Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted July 29, 2009 Share Posted July 29, 2009 posting is a form of an emotional release and does help a little knowing you are sharing things!! Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ts Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I'm over her snickering a little at Dana cause I've been reading her posts on CancerGrace. I am so tempted a what if question over there as well, but am trying to live to learn with the news as it happens instead of trying to forecast bad news. Not always easy. Ativan was really nice during treatment. One thing that helped me was getting plenty of sleep. A sleepless night would lead to a very emotional day. I'm off all the funny little pills - just tapered / stopped once I was through. And yeah, I'm still writing and reading posts on this site as a form of emotional therapy. Thanks all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Folks here call it Scanxiety. I think this is something that just becomes a reality. But I find folks really get to a point where between scans they do shut it out quite a bit. Hang in there, you are new to this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fighting4mom Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Thanks everyone! I may sound like a broken record but I am so very thankful for all of the care and support here and I can't reiterate that enough. Nick, after posting yesterday I did actually read the posting on GRACE about scanxiety ... wow, good to know that I am not the first -- and certainly won't be the last -- to be in that frame of mind. I am reassured knowing that everything I am thinking and feeling is normal (or the "new normal") and that there are so many resources and wise sages to guide me on this path that none of us would have chosen. But, by walking together, the road seems less bumpy. Thanks again ya'll (I am in the South, you know) and blessings and happy thoughts all around! Kimberly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Kimberly, Shame on our moms for making us worry so! LOL! I keep telling mine she needs to straighten up and behave so she will stop scaring us. Believe me, she would love to. I will tell you that when mom was first undergoing treatment I was a basket case. I was sure everything was "the other shoe" about to drop. After awhile though, you learn the ups and downs and they aren't so scary. I guess that is what is referred to as "the new normal." Posting here really does help as does just taking a deep breath and coming to grips with the fact that worrying about it won't chance the scan results. So you can worry yourself sick and they will be what they will be, or you can let it go and they will be what they will be. I know--easier said than done. We're here if you need us. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 In answer to TS's response! Yep I'm like a little kid that keeps scaring myself with ghost stories. I just get some scary thing stuck in my head and can't get it out. So I just ask Dr. West questions! Poor man! Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Hi Kimberly Oh yes, I remember Scanxiety very very well. And I am also a very impatient person who is not easily distracted (which doesn't help). I think the waiting for results was one of the hardest things. I just wanted to know what we were up against so we could formulate our next plan of attack. It's such a rollercoaster. I am thinking of you. And also hoping that the next lot of results show that the treatment has been working. Thinking of you Jana x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbb Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I haven't read anyone else being in Denial as much as Rod and I were. When I think back to how I "let" him drive and go to work on those narcotic drugs I just shudder. God truly had His hand on Rod. It seemed he was "OK" if he was still going to work, and he didn't want to take a leave. It was probably when we called in Hospice that the truth was seen. Rod was on atavan and after I gave it to him, I would like my fingers because they got so sticky! The nurse told me to stop doing that, it was never enough to help me so I too was very grateful for the XANAX, my drug of choice The words that I kept repeating are, "It is what it is", thanks Katie B. I still use them. Hang in Kimberly, you are doing great . Barbb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fighting4mom Posted August 4, 2009 Author Share Posted August 4, 2009 I don't know if this should be a new thread ... but I didn't necessarily want to start another as I feel it's the same topic (anxiety). Mom had her first CBC / blood chem yesterday and - as I should have expected - white and red counts were very low ... boosters needed. Neupegen every day and Arnasep (sp?) yesterday and in 2 weeks (when she starts the next chemo cycle). Of course, I held it together through the doc visit but after I just LOST it. I think I am so nutso because she is really showing no signs of illness (Barb, I can totally relate to what you are saying) but the #s on the sheet don't lie. DAM* IT! However, with each day, with each test, with each hurdle and with the support from all of you, I am getting stronger AND I will say that I didn't fret too much BEFORE the results so maybe that's progress??? THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! All for your support and guidance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Kinberly, Just to let you know that Iam thinking of you. Have walked in your shoes so I know the anxiety you are feeling. It is very normal. White and red low blood counts are very common with chemo, so don't let that scare you. That is why they have those drugs to help bring the counts up. Will keep your mom in my thoughts with positive vibes for good results. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristi Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Scanxiety - haven't heard that yet but is oh so true! Every scan they do on my Dad we all wait on pins and needles and it's definitely stressful!! I'm sorry you're having to go through this but hang in there! The folks here have talked me through alot of worrisome days, that's for sure. Your Mom is in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry's Wife Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 I had two mantras I kept repeating to myself: Before scan: I'm not going to worry until someone tells me I should worry. After scan: It is what it is. I honestly believe that saying these things in my head helped to keep me centered. But I also remember that I needed to keep repeating them to myself -- whenever I started to feel the anxiety bubbling up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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