LisaEz Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Hello again. I am now moving to this forum as the most appropriate place for me to be right now. My father died 20 days after his diagnosis of lung cancer. We had visitations at his church yesterday and today and then his memorial service after the second visitation this morning. I went to everything and never cried a tear. I haven't cried a drop since when I was with him when he died on Monday. I can't. I feel so numb and in shock and like this isn't really happening. My heart screams sometimes, and other times it whispers....but it's always saying "I want my Daddy." Over and over. I don't mean to think it. But it's what my heart says. I want one more hug, one more kiss, one more moment. When will this numbness start to wear off? At night I get so anxious and upset that I have to take half a Xanax to get to sleep. There's a little girl in me crying for help, for someone to understand. Everyone is so kind, but it feels like they don't understand even though they want to. They want to tell me he's in a better place and I should be glad he didn't suffer any more than he did. I know all that, but right now, I just want my Daddy. I'm numb, but hurting. How does this happen? I'm scared of how I'm going to feel once the numbness wears off a bit. I have 3 children, and my oldest daughter that just turned 15 is severely autistic. I know grief. I know stress. I know living with grief and stress in my life and my heart every single day, and somehow I manage it because I must. But this one scares me. I'm afraid I'm going to drop in my tracks and break into little pieces. Truly, I want my Daddy. Please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkelley Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through. Please know that you are not alone. My doctor prescribed sleeping pills when my dad passed away so the anxiety wouldn't keep me up each night. I was still able to grieve but when you have children you also need to be able to function. Be gentle with yourself. Each person handles grief differently. If you're not ready to cry, don't cry now, the tears will come in time... Thoughts, prayers and hugs, Tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Hi Lisa My heart goes out to you. I know that pain and fear you are describing. It's so hard for one to truly comprehend the enormity of such a loss. I wish I had some words that would maybe help you feel better. Keep on breathing and taking one step at a time. It's such a hard time for you. Jana x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caren Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Lisa It has been a little over two months since my dad passed away and I still sit here thinking 'I want my daddy'. I truly don't think that thought will ever leave us completely, but as time goes on I started to realise that a little more time had passed during the day without me thinking constantly about my dad and then the next day a little more time. The numb feeling you talk of was with me for a good 4-5 weeks. In fact if I'm being honest I don't remember much of the first month after my dad's passing. It's all just a blur of tears and emotion. I don't cry so often, but last night I sobbed myself to sleep and I'm sure that there will be many more nights of doing that ahead of me. I wish I could tell you that everything will be ok and that you will start to feel better soon but everyone grieves in different ways and at their own pace. What I can do, however, is offer you a huge ((((HUG))) and hope that it helps just a little. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 I'm so sorry for the loss of your Daddy. Screw all the 'he's in a better place,' and 'aren't you glad he didn't suffer long?' comments. Those are statements made by people trying to distance themselves from your grief. They get credit for trying to say something even if it's the wrong thing, but it's STILL the WRONG thing. It's not where you are right now. Right now you are just raw and stripped of your Daddy. Right now you have been freshly robbed. And being robbed always feels like a violation. The numbness will wear off. I'm so sorry for the pain and the anxiety that you are experiencing now. You know already that grief is a hard journey. It will carry you on waves, and sometimes you'll be swept under in a Tsunami of it, but eventually, though it still hurts, and it's not easy, the waves will get smaller and you'll learn how to ride them. Just as you have before. But this is new. This is fresh and different. And it's hard. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, on top of the other struggles life has handed you. Again I'm so sorry that your Daddy is gone. Give yourself permission to be where you are right now. There is no 'right' way to grieve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Oh Lisa.......my heart just breaks for you. I hope you continue to come back here and talk to all of us because we really do care about you and how you're feeling. The emotions will come when you're ready dear.....just try to focus on all the good times you and your daddy had together. Remember all the funny times when you laughed together and even the times he scolded you for something you did wrong as a child. Those loving memories are what will sustain you Lisa. Not the moments of his suffering. I don't think that he would want you to remember those final days either. I will say a prayer for you dear one. Please be kind to yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Lisa, I can't say I know how you feel. What I can say is that I hear the depth of your pain and I am so sorry for what you have to bear. I'm glad you found people here who have walked in your shoes with the loss of a beloved parent. I hope they will help you as you put one foot in front of the other and somehow manage to grieve and do what you have to do for your children. Take care of yourself the best you can. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I don't know thhat I know exactly how you feel, but I can say I think I know a lot of what you are feeling. The cliche's don't help...but people don't know what to say or do. I will admit, even I still have a problem knowing what to say. But I will say I know YOU are hurting. And for that I am sorry. We'll certainly be here, know that when you type, others will know what you are are feeling. We get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 ((Lisa)), I'm sorry you are suffering so. I lost my Mom in Feb. earlier this year. I do understand I was and still am a total mama's girl. The only thing I found that helped is time. It has gotten a little better. But every now and then missing my Mom still jumps up and strangles me. Sending prayers your way that you will find peace. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaEz Posted August 5, 2009 Author Share Posted August 5, 2009 I can't thank you all enough for the support and helpful words. I think I am doing a bit better. The painful shock is starting to recede a little bit. I talk to my stepmom every evening and she is really helping me to process all of this. She's reminding me to be thankful for what we had, the time we had, and that helps a bit. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights. I am trying to stop taking the Xanax but maybe I still need to take it for a while longer. I'm in a fog today I'm so tired. I miss him, I have a huge hole in my heart, I want him back. But I'm doing better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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