The Christmas Tree Saga

[lilyjohn]

My story is about learning to do alone the things that have always been done with someone else. Christmas is especially hard and the memories that go with it from over 40 years of marriage ended in divorce were bad enough but adding Johnnys death so soon before we got to share even one Christmas was the hardest thing this time last year.

Buying a Christmas tree had always been a family thing to do when my children were little. We would go from one lot to another searcing until we found the perfect tree (of what was available) or until my husband got tired and made us settle on one..

Last year I found myself 3,000 miles away from my children and grandchildren for the first time ever being seperated from them. Johnny died on December 2nd before we got to get the tree or have the kind of Christmas that we wanted to share after so many years of seperation. Within a week of his death I had to do my Christmas shopping so I could mail to my family. Needless to say my heart was not in it. I had already bought decoratiions for our tree and it just seemed like I should have a tree and be able to tell my family about it. I bought pretty much the first one that I saw and decorated it. I sat alone at night and looked at that tree dreading Christmas morning when I would awake all alone with all of my dreams gone. It was a sad and lonely Christmas morning and that tree just seemed to mock me with it's bright lights and ornaments. I was glad when it was finally time to take it down.

As all of you know I just recently moved to this beautiful new place. I actually rushed so I could be here near my niece in time to celebrate Christmas with her and her family. I couldn't face it alone again. Last year I had cooked the dinner I had planned for myself and Johnny and took it to his son's family. This year I wanted to prepare dinner with family. I also wanted a Christmas tree. This time because I really want one in my home and I feel that this will really be the tree that is for me and Johnny. I want it up with lights and all it's spledor so when he peeks in to check on me he will see it. ( I do believe he does that a lot).

I got here to the heart of evergreen country and had several offers to get me a Christmas tree. No one ever showed up with one. I watched the days pass and was starting to get desperate. My one trip to town was crowded with so many errands that I didn't have time to look for a tree and get back up the mountain before dark. I came home treeless and disappointed. I got more offers but still no Christmas tree!!

Finally I made up my mind. If no one would go with me today I would go alone for the first time. I would not come home without a Christmas tree. I was so worried about that drive alone and the fear of getting lost in a strange place. I almost backed out but my desire for a tree along with my determination (some would call it stuborness) would not let me. Armed with my new cell phone that actually works here, a map and directions from the computer I set out a little before noon.. I needed a few items from the grocery store because they are saying we will have snow after Christmas and I know I won't drive that road then. That will be a new experience for me too. I lived in Louisiana for 32 years and snow was very rare. Anyway I was on my way to find a Christmas tree.

Miraculously I got to town and went right to where I needed to go without getting lost. I found a Christmas tree lot and the prices were cut by 50% because it is so close to Christmas. I found the perfect tree and even negotiated the price lower with the seller. Every Christmas I had seaarched for a certain tree and never could find it or afford it had I found it. Today luck was with me ( I think Johnny was too). I bought my tree and they tied it in my trunk. After a stop for a few groceries I was on my way home. I got here around 2:30 unloaded my groceries then wrestled the tree out of my trunk.

When I got to the steps with the tree I found that I had a problem. It was too heavy and too big for me to carry up the steps!! I squeezed past it and standing on the step above hugged it and step by step carried it up that way. By determination or stuborness witch ever it was I got the tree into the house. Then I had to screw it into the tree stand!! Ouch my aching hands! With a lot of effort and a determination not to let it beat me I finally got my tree up and decorated. It is in a big bay window and looks like it was made for the spot. I am sore and tired but happy. I proved that I could do it alone and do it right!

I was sitting here tonight after I finished with all of the decorations and a thought made me start laughing. Lately I have been seeing myself a lot as if it were someone else looking at me (probably Johnny). I started seeing in my mind me hugging that tree up the steps and I could just hear Johnny laughing and his words that he always used when I accomplished something that he didn't think a woman would do. He would laugh and say "She sure is one hell of a woman" and he did that with such pride in his voice and in his eyes. So tonight I look at my tree and I say " finally Johnny we have our tree and we will share this Christmas. Merry Christmas my love."

So you see it is hard learning to do things alone but there are a lot of rewards in it too. I am learning more everyday that I live in this beautiful wild and wonderful place. The pain in my heart is still there and it always will be but I can remember the good times now not just the pain. Maybe that is what this Christmas tree is all about and maybe that is why I had to come here to renew. Johnny gave me the chance for a new life. When he died I thought that I had lost that life. Now I see it again as the gift that he gave to me and I know that somehow he will share that gift with me. I believe and that is so important to me now.

Merry Christmas to all of you. Never think that you are alone. YOu may not see your loved one any more but they are there guiding you in everything you do. How else could we survive if they were not???

Lillian

[Ann]

This is so beautiful Lillian. I always enjoy reading your posts. I really think you have a special gift for writing and I also think God has a plan for everything that happens. Maybe God needs you to write in order to help others and to teach them about love. It is so good that you are thinking about the Christmas you and Johnny would have had. I'm not totally sure I am to that level just yet. I'm still trying to block a lot of things from my mind. Dennis and I always got our tree together. That was a very special time. Last year, I had no tree...no gifts...no shopping....no spirit...no heart, as Dennis died on the 15th of December and had been so ill in the days preceding. This year, I was determined to make it "right" for the family. You know...this is the worst tree I think I have ever had, as my heart just wasn't in it. I really know what this season is all about abd I know I should be thankful for the blessings I have....but I'm still trying so hard to understand this "merciful" God. ANyone who has seen the suffering cancer can bring to both the patient and family would have to search very deep to find anything "merciful" about any part of the situation. Bitter??? Maybe! Mad at the world....Maybe! Mad at God....Maybe! One of my friends always tells me that if I have to be angry with anyone, it should be Dennis, as he chose to poison his lungs with cigarette smoke all those years. But...how can I be angry with someone that wanted so badly to live and that I loved so very much? Sorry to ramble on....your beautiful post just opened my heart and mind to so many emotions that are all pinned up inside!!!! Let's keep it up....good therapy, I suppose!!!

[Ann]

This is so beautiful Lillian. I always enjoy reading your posts. I really think you have a special gift for writing and I also think God has a plan for everything that happens. Maybe God needs you to write in order to help others and to teach them about love. It is so good that you are thinking about the Christmas you and Johnny would have had. I'm not totally sure I am to that level just yet. I'm still trying to block a lot of things from my mind. Dennis and I always got our tree together. That was a very special time. Last year, I had no tree...no gifts...no shopping....no spirit...no heart, as Dennis died on the 15th of December and had been so ill in the days preceding. This year, I was determined to make it "right" for the family. You know...this is the worst tree I think I have ever had, as my heart just wasn't in it. I really know what this season is all about abd I know I should be thankful for the blessings I have....but I'm still trying so hard to understand this "merciful" God. ANyone who has seen the suffering cancer can bring to both the patient and family would have to search very deep to find anything "merciful" about any part of the situation. Bitter??? Maybe! Mad at the world....Maybe! Mad at God....Maybe! One of my friends always tells me that if I have to be angry with anyone, it should be Dennis, as he chose to poison his lungs with cigarette smoke all those years. But...how can I be angry with someone that wanted so badly to live and that I loved so very much? Sorry to ramble on....your beautiful post just opened my heart and mind to so many emotions that are all pinned up inside!!!! Let's keep it up....good therapy, I suppose!!!

[Ann]

This is so beautiful Lillian. I always enjoy reading your posts. I really think you have a special gift for writing and I also think God has a plan for everything that happens. Maybe God needs you to write in order to help others and to teach them about love. It is so good that you are thinking about the Christmas you and Johnny would have had. I'm not totally sure I am to that level just yet. I'm still trying to block a lot of things from my mind. Dennis and I always got our tree together. That was a very special time. Last year, I had no tree...no gifts...no shopping....no spirit...no heart, as Dennis died on the 15th of December and had been so ill in the days preceding. This year, I was determined to make it "right" for the family. You know...this is the worst tree I think I have ever had, as my heart just wasn't in it. I really know what this season is all about abd I know I should be thankful for the blessings I have....but I'm still trying so hard to understand this "merciful" God. ANyone who has seen the suffering cancer can bring to both the patient and family would have to search very deep to find anything "merciful" about any part of the situation. Bitter??? Maybe! Mad at the world....Maybe! Mad at God....Maybe! One of my friends always tells me that if I have to be angry with anyone, it should be Dennis, as he chose to poison his lungs with cigarette smoke all those years. But...how can I be angry with someone that wanted so badly to live and that I loved so very much? Sorry to ramble on....your beautiful post just opened my heart and mind to so many emotions that are all pinned up inside!!!! Let's keep it up....good therapy, I suppose!!!

[shirleyb]

You go girl!!!!

I am so glad you are making the changes in your life that you need to in order to find peace within yourself.

Enjoy the tree, and make a toast to all you love so much.

Much love,

Shirley

[Ann]

Lillian...yet another great and heartwarming story. You helped bring back so many memories for me! Like you, Dennis and I always did the Christmas tree shopping together. I used to drive him crazy...going from place to place....searching for the perfect tree. This year, I seemed to pick what I thought was nice...not too much fuss involved. I felt patriotic (as usual) so I decided on red, white and blue. I thought it would all come together nicely...but I'll swear it is the worst tree I have had in years. I was ready to take everything off and start all over again but thought...why bother? So...Dennis is probably thinking that I have lost my touch altogether. I just can't seem to get with it. Christmas spirit has totally decided to pass me up this year. I really have tried! I called Shirley this morning and she got me over the blues, as she always does!!! I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself and learn to just be thankful for the time I had with Dennis. Lillian, I so admire your courage to make the changes and decisions you have in your life! It really takes a lot of strength...not to mention guts!!!! Please keep writing for us!!! Maybe writing is just what God wants you to do!!!!! I was going to wish you a Merry Christmas but I think Shirley has a better message.....Have a Peaceful Christmas!!!!!!