Rekindling the pain

[Carleen]

It's been over 3 years since I lost Keith, and I know that most people expect that I am fairly healed. And I am doing ok, most of the time, and on outward appearances most people wouldn't guess I'm still grieving. But lately I have been in such a dark place. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard and after so long.

I feel like there is a giant weight sitting on my chest all the time. I can't breathe. I'm suffocating. I'm on the edge of tears every moment of the day, and I find myself excusing myself to a private place at least a few times each day to go and cry. I miss him so much. I'm so completely aware that it's been 3+ years because it seems so long since I heard his voice saying I love you, so long since I touched his hair, so long since I held his hand, felt his lips on mine, so long since I last felt what it was like to be radiantly in love. (I mean no slight to my current husband, whom I love, but it is completely different)

I miss my Keith, my best friend, my soul mate, my love. There was nobody like him, and there will never be again. I miss having my world revolve completely around each other, and both of us being dizzy and deliriously happy in that.

I miss who I was. I've changed so much since those days, and in most ways I don't necessarily like who I am now. Gone is the carefree, optimistic, joyful girl I once was. I laugh, I have happiness and good times, but my ups are no longer as high as they once were, and my lows are much deeper. I depress myself, and being always in this state I bore myself. I can't imagine others are remotely interested in hearing me talk about it still after all this time; they are bored with me too. I miss Keith. God I love him so much still.

I've seen other people posting on here, asking when the pain ends. Asking if it ever goes away. usually these people are new to the grief journey, and I try and be supportive and tell them it gets easier in time. But I don't know anymore. I hurt as much now as I did then. From my experience I have to say no, it never goes away. It's more like intermittent thunderstorms. Sometimes it's just grey out and overcast, like a sort of tension waiting to strike, and sometimes the sun breaks through and can even hang around for a long while, but then storms come and they are as powerful, frightening and fierce as ever. I just need to learn how to survive the storm until the sun breaks through again. I'm sure it will, but for now I'm scared, sad and feeling so incredibly alone.

After 3 years, I'm still waiting for him to give me a sign, come to me in a dream, anything to let me know he's ok, and still with me so this loneliness will be comforted. I miss him so much. I just need one more moment, whatever it may be.

Sorry for whining, but I know you all understand and have also been there too.

[RandyW]

Wish I had the answers but always have the Prayers For YA Carleen! and the ability to listen to ya when Your down. Hoping and Praying for a better day tomorrow!!!

[Barbb]

{{{{Carleen}}}}

Those things you miss? Those feelings you want to feel again? Totally agree with you. I'm so sad you are in the dark place. We know you love your current husband, but no one can touch the place where Keith was.

I wish I could help you like you help me, just know that you are in my

thoughts and prayers every day.

Barbb

[Caren]

Carleen

I am so sorry to hear that you are still struggling so much now. Have you spoken with a grief counselor, I know that you may have done so soon after losing Keith but have you spoken to one recently?

I wish I knew what to say to make things easier for you but I really don't.

All I can do is offer you a huge (((HUG))) and hope that the sun appears from behind those clouds for you soon.

[Patti B]

((((((((Carleen))))))

I am so sorry.

Hugs - Patti B.

[Treebywater]

(((((Carleen)))))

The dark places are hard.

[fighting4mom]

Dear, Dear, Carleen

Many gentle hugs to you. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your relationship with Keith, the feeling that you share, well I think it's just magical. I am reminded of a line from Steel Magnolia's "I would rather have a moment of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special" but gee, isn't it human nature to yearn for the lifetime of wonderful?!?!

I am praying for you, in hopes that ...

... your pain is eased

... the dark and sad periods are shorter

... your warm and happy memories replace your grief -- someday soon

Blessings to you,

Kimbelry

[Kasey]

Such eloquence as always, Carleen. We've spoken before about the comparison between you and Keith and Fred and me, so your words touch me quite painfully. I SO see exactly waht you are saying and can only believe your words would be mine. I don't know how, but maybe knowing that I will always remember 'Keith and Carleen' may somehow be meaningful to you. You were the very first to contribute to my first LUNGevity walk and 'Carleen's Keith' was the first remembrance printed on the sweatshirt I made and wore that year. I still have it and remember. Our thoughts and best wishes are always with you.

Kasey

[Nick C]

No one here will ever accuse you of whining, grow bored with your feelings or heap any expectations upon you...we'll just understand.

We really do understand.

I'm so sorry.

[Marci]

Carleen,

I am so sorry you are in that dark place right now. I guess there are no rules of time and when things hit just no rhyme or reason in this process. Not sure if you will get weirded out but myself and my mom were big into signs of afterlife. I just bought some books on Amazon relating to it. Maybe reading will help and open you up to the signs that maybe there but are subtle ones that one may not notice. I know have noticed things that I normally wouldn't and it gave me some peace. I hope for you better days and some peace in your heart. Should you want the titles of the books I can send them to you they are great books!

Marci

[fillise]

Carleen,

It's not whining to us. We are here for you.

Susan

[carolhg]

I am so very for your loss. I hate what this awful disease has done to you as well as to so many, many others.

Prayers!

Carol

[lilyjohn]

I thought about you so many times after Kieth died and you stopped coming here. I remember how much you love him and it reminded me so much of my love for Johnny.

Now that you are back I could read between the lines. I could tell that you are having a hard time and I do understand. It seems like once we lose our soul mate we are always skirting along the edge of that pit of depression. Even now after nearly 7 years I have days when I want to just set and remember. I want to bring his face into my mind and hear his voice one more time. The tears come and I ache for him so much just like I know that you are aching for Kieth.

I too had a second love but mine was much different than yours. Johnny and I were kept apart and I met and married someone else. My husband too was a good man but he wasn't Johnny. Maybe somehow without me even realizing it my marriage was affected by that. When my marriage started falling apart it took only one dream to make me realize that the kind of love we had doesn't end just because we are apart. Sense his death I have learned that it doesn't die just because your soul mate does.

I am sure that you do love your current husband and I am equally sure that makes what you are feeling now even harder. You feel the pain and loss of Kieth but you try so hard to not hurt your husband. So what you feel may show some but a major part of it is deep inside where no one else can see it.

I think the biggest lesson I have learned about love is that you can really love someone and never want to hurt them but loving a person and being in love with them are two different things. Being in love is the total sharing of hearts minds and souls. It is being able to say anything and always know that you will be understood. It is loving a person for who and what they are, not in spite of who or what they are. When that person is ripped out of your life there is nothing or no one who can ever take their place. The wound may scar over but a song or a word or maybe just a nice day can bring it all crashing down on you again and you feel like you are back to that terrible day when your world ended and a new world began that you had to find a place for yourself in.

I hear your pain and my heart aches for you, just like it aches for myself and so many of us here. I do understand some but each love is uniqe and no one else can completely know what you are going through.

Please just know that you are in my heart and prayers and don't beat yourself up for what you are feeling.

Love, how hard it is to understand and how hard it is to live with the pain it can bring, but oh the joy while it lasts. You are still young and have a lot of time to love. Share it with your husband but keep that place for Kieth deep inside of you. Someday you will see him again. We really have to hold on to that belief.

As for the signs. They seldom come to me any more. Many I think I have but just got so used to them that I take them for granted. I do believe though that despite the fact that they are in a better place, when we feel the pull of memories and pain it is them too remembering and maybe they too are wishing for just one more day.

[michellep]

Carleen,

The love you had and "still have" for your husband is just beautiful. You're an amazing woman and just reading your posts gives me strength. Bless you and I wish you nothing but the best.

Michelle

[tnmynatt]

((((Carleen))))

I understand and I feel much the same way you do...grief is tough.

[Maryanne]

I'm so sorry where you are at right now. I hope today fines you feeling better.

You guys shared a loved that was so powerful that even in death it will not tear you away from each other. He is your soul mate and no matter what he always will be. I know you moved on or shall we say making the best of the situation, but I can see how torn apart you are. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you right now. All I can say is that I hear you and feel your pain and pray that your being a "mom" will help you get this this gloom you are feeling.

My heart to your sweet Colleen....

Maryanne

[Ann]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Carleen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have the same feelings...almost identical. While reading your post, I realized that your words could have come from my heart. I think what your feeling, although unique to you, is something we all experience when losing that "one love of our life." We all move on, in different phases and ways, but we all want back what we've lost. Sometimes, I reflect on the old phrase...."tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I do believe those words. Although I miss him with all my heart, I would never have wanted to miss the opportunity to have such a wonderful love in my life.

Just know and remember that we are all here for you and for each other. We have all been so inspired by the true loves that we have read about from members of this board. You and Keith truly shared the kind of love that so many people search for but few ever find.

[Carleen]

Thank you everyone. It helps just knowing people understand and know what I'm feeling and remembers how wonderful a love we had.

[ErinC1973]

Carleen, I am glad you posted but at the same time, sad to read your post. You had such a perfect marriage with Keith. I wish so much that your life together was not cut short by this stupid disease. It was a life that was really only just beginning.

It makes me sick to think of how much we've all been forced to change due to LC.

[Eileen]

deleted

[teriw]

Carleen,

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult "thunderstorm." I don't hear "whining," I hear brutal honesty. Someone mentioned grief counseling. I'm just over two years in this journey. I still see my counselor "as needed." It's getting less and less, but when I feel I need it, I'm always so glad I took the time to go. I also connect with the women in my widow's group regularly. I think sometimes we need to be reminded what we've actually gone through, and the steps we've actually taken thus far to rebuild a shattered life. As one of the ladies in my group says, "we need to see ourselves reflected in someone else's eyes." For me, apart from the obvious loss of Bill, the whole "identity crisis" has been the hardest part of the journey. I know what you mean about missing who you were. I look at a picture or video of myself with Bill in what was our life, and it's literally like looking at a different life, a different "me." And, in reality, it is that. Maybe acknowledging that loss of your old self and your former life is a big step toward embracing the new you and your new life.

Hoping for the sun to break through for you...