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Re-writing History


Treebywater

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July 19th was 4 years since I lost Mom. This is going to sound like I need a good dose of counseling, and maybe I do on this issue, but... I'm really doing ok. Really ok. Things are actually going very well for us right now.

But when I am more actively thinking over those last few days with my Mom, instead of feeling greater peace about them, which I expected to feel, I find myself almost rewriting them and casting myself as the villian. I re-read my posts here the week of her anniversary and I wanted to fall through the floor at how selfish they seemed.

That time was... SO HARD. I had a new baby, my husband was on a ship, my Mom was dying... And for a long time I thought I handled it really well. But now I have all of these what-ifs. I wonder if I listened well enough. I wonder if I comforted her enough . I wonder if I left her alone too often. I wonder if I overmedicated her the last week. I wonder if she knew how much I loved her. I wonder I hindered her ability to make peace with dying by insisting that we not dwell on the possibility.

Do any of you re-write it? Or... reflect on it differently, but not in a good way? Just wondered. Could be it's only me that's crazy.

and really. I know that it SOUNDS like I'm messed up, but I'm doing GOOD. It's just the dark moments when these things creep in.

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sounds like the "coulda SHolda Wouldas " are creeping back in !! ya gotta just let it go. You did everything you could do for your Mom. Just Like I did for my late wife. We do the best we can with what we can. Only God makes the decisions in our lives. Don't have doubts. It's not healthy. But it is healthy to get them out. You did everything you could for Mom.

Something Deb told me once before she passed was this. " I am tired but I won't give up. IF I see the light in FRONT of me I am going to it. But... I won't turn and look for it" I get it....

We do the best we can and we keep going on. Remember the cancer can not take away the love or the memories of the Lives of our loved ones that we have.

Don't eat yourself up over it. I know that sounds cold but its true. We can not change the way things were but we can learn from the experience we had.

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((((((((((((((((((Val))))))))))))))))))))

Re-read Randy's post when you feel like this, as it has a powerful message. I think we all have second guessed ourselves when we think back to those last months, weeks and days and have wondered if we had everything in the right perspective and if we did everything we possibly could. I spent so much time letting all of those "what ifs" run through my mind and I finally came to the conclusion that I had done everything I possibly could have done to save Dennis' life. There was nothing more that could have or should have been done.

During your Mom's illness, you were a young lady that was already handling more than most people can handle.....new baby, husband away in the service. Val, you were always there for your Mom. Your posts here always showed us the love and dedication you had for her.

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Val,

You crazy, over-stressed woman! I was here when you were posting about the end of your mother's battle. There is no way you could have possibly done anything more, and I doubt your mother ever saw you as lacking - Mom's don't do that. Look at your little girls, try to reverse roles and you'll see it. You did the very best by your mother, your father, your husband and your new baby. The only person you ever neglected was yourself (girlfriend, I can say that, I SAW it!).

Never, ever, look in that hindsight mirror and think you could have done better, there's no humanly way possible to have done everything you did! What more could you have done, walked on water and fed the masses?

Rest easy, dear friend, your mother is and always has been proud of you. I'm sure she's at a Bridge party in Heaven (it's all the rage up there, I've heard) and brags you up and down "My Val had a new baby and her Andy was deployed and she STILL was with me at the end - see her down there with my grand babies? What a good girl I have there!"

Relax, and don't forget to breathe...

xxoo,

Becky

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(((Val))),

I was around in those days too and you were the daughter that any mother would be proud of. As for thinking back and rewriting the script, isn't that something we all do in life? I think it's normal to reflect back and think of how things might have been different , but it won't change anything Did you do everything perfectly, maybe not. Did you do everything to the best of your ability at the time, yes you did. Go easy on yourself , Val.

Big Hugs,

Sue

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I do have those thoughts. We also gave my mom a lot of medication at the end. She was in so much pain. We all (including Mom) knew that the amount of medication we were going to give her to make her comfortable would pretty much make her sleep. Even though she herself said just make me sleep we all struggle with the fact that we didn't get to talk with her much at the end. (We talked while she slept and hoped she heard us.) Did we give her too much? Did I say everything I needed to say? We never really talked about Mom dying because none of us wanted to accept it. We all knew the day was coming but still we never shared any last thoughts or fears with each other. Sadly, I even took very few pictures of my Mom during her illness. I didn't want her to think I was taking a bunch of pictures because I thought she was going to die. I kind of regret that now because I don't have many pictures of her with my kids. I guess my point is that I can relate to how you are feeling. Absolutely. But someone here once told me that we always do what we think is best at the time. Take comfort in knowing that every decision you made at that time was out of love for your mom. I know I do. Whenever I look back and doubt myself, I remember that as you said, that time period was so very hard and we all did the best we could under the strain of the emotions we were all under. Wishing peace for you.

Jill

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First,

you are NOT crazy. ALL of us who have lost someone we love have moments of doubt or question ourselves. No matter how much time has passed we all have dark moments from time to time...it doesn't mean we are crazy or not doing well!!

Secondly, you've got some awesome advice here. We can look back on every bit of our lives and re-write it. That's called hindsight- and sounds like you've got it bad right now.

You are 4 years more mature. You're a great mom and a confident wife and you're carving a place out for yourself in life now....maybe this independant and "different" you, is wonder how you would've handled that time with your mom as you look back- questioning the things you did or didn't do. Beating yourself up for what you know now that you may not have known then. You have the luxury of time and experience now...you didn't have that then.

Fact is, all of that made you who you are today. You're not looking back as a scared overwhelmed young lady--you did everything the best way you knew how at that time--and your mom loved you no matter what....NO MATTER WHAT...your mom loved you. Period. That's what moms do.

You know that now.

Your mom loved you- no matter what.

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Val,

I do the same thing. I think we all do. I know in my heart that there were things that I could have done differently, or even better. But I did the best I could and I know that you did too. We are all only human and there is no handbook on how to let someone you love die. Don't spend too much time dwelling on this because the fact is, if you had a "do-over" and did things differently, you would probably still be saying to yourself....what if! Listen to what everyone here is telling you; many of us were here with you when you were going thru it and I can tell you that I was always amazed, impressed and in awe of your love and compassion, not only for your mother, but for so many others of us that were here for support.

I still think of you often and wish you much happiness and love with your beautiful young family.

Love

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