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Losing your parents, finding yourself


KatieB

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It's a new book I've just begun reading- "Losing your parents, finding yourself" . I have no idea if it will be worth the read since I just started it, but I'll def. let you know.

A friend of mine named Jill commented once that unless you've lost your parents you can't fully understand what it is we go thru emotionally. Based on the original study by Secunda, it is only when our parents die that we truly come into our own as "real" adults.

It's been 6 years to the day that I lost my dad. He wasn't even close to being perfect, he had many flaws but he was mine and I was his...always his little girl. He made me feel safe and loved and important- if only to him. The last year of his life we grew even closer and I learned more about him during those 11 months and 21 days than I had in 29 years.

It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my mom. She was a mother to many children but when I was with her I felt like an only child. I was the youngest- I think, perhaps by the time she got down to parenting me she had learned many things, become a better parent and a better person. She respected me as an adult, she protected me and guided me and we had a very special relationship. We lived a mile apart. She was my best friend. I saw her everyday. She was involved in every part of my life.

So you can just imagine my shock and loss at a life without them ever in it again.

My heart actually hurts for people who don't have that relationship with their parents or who argue, fight and disrespect them. They don't know what they've missed out on or what they're wasting away...

For me, it's not about absolute grief anymore...time does heal and life gets good again and life keeps us busy...you go from grieving daily that first year or two to grieving just at anniversaries and special occasions. It comes and goes...

What I think all "this" is about is the astounding and unexpected changes that occur in people when their parents die. You discover your own strengths and become much more self-reliant, your relationship with others change as you are finding your way in this "new" world. You learn to be brave and take chances and what it really means to be at the Top of your generational ladder...

The death of your parents is a defining point in your life, much like childbirth, whereafter nothing is ever the same again. I will never be the same.

My father died 6 yrs. ago today. I feel loss and sadness when I think about it- all aspects of it.

Yet, today was also a good day.

I miss my mom a hundred times a day- In the past, something as simple as shopping I never did alone. It was something she and I always did together. I've been learning to do it alone. And after two years, most times it's enjoyable again...and I do things I used to do with only her, with my spouse, my kids and new friends.

Most days are really good days.

I am hoping that out of my loss can come some unforseen gains-- that on the other side of sorrow, I can discover new hope, wisdom and strength.

I am different. I am stronger.

But that doesn't mean that there won't be times that I grieve or feel weak.

Such as the first day of school, or during today's baptism -that neither of my parents could be a part of...when I'm hurt or lonely, injured or sick...when there is wonderous news to share, when life or a situation sucks eggs and I need the unconditional love of a parent...those are the times that I will grieve and fully feel my loss.

Thank you for letting me grieve the past couple of days.

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I can't argue with that Katie!!! Hope it was a good day. I know it was a hard one. I have my days with my parents but when the days over we still "Kiss and Make up."

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Katie, my mother died when I was a baby and my father was an irresponsible parent who abdacated responsibility for his daughters to others. When I was in high school I had a friend whose family I so admired: mother, father and two sisters. They were kind and loving to each other and to me the example of family as it could and should be. Today that example is you and your Mother and Father. I know no situation or family is perfect but the love in your family comes through in your posts. To have loved and been loved like that is a treasure.

Judy in Key West

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Katie,

Have you read "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan? I'm reading it now and it says most everything I would want to say about the cancer experience and beyond that, as a daughter to a cancer survivor and parent to children (which I am not). Some of her passages are painfully honest, some funny, some so sane. Her experience is so not mine, but speaks so universally.

My change, when my Mom died, was applying to grad school and moving. This allowed me to pursue a career and a life with new friends rather than staying in the rut I had created. Now that I am a survivor, I feel some pressure to find renewed passion in life but I am still trying to understand how to go about it.

Yesterday passed without words or tears for the 26 years missing her. But I felt it in my heart, and saw it looking in the mirror.

Thank you for creating this site and keeping it strong. It has made a positive difference in my outlook.

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Katie, loss of your parents is like nothing else. I have lost my parents, I continue to miss them. Many Many times I have said I was so blessed to have had them as parents. I pray they are still watching down over me from a much better place.

Donna G

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Katie, I was also so lucky to have loving parents and I missed them so much. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of them.

Let us know how that book is.

I can't believe that it has been 6 years. Where does all this time go?

As we know because of his passing you invented this whole LC Help site for all of us and I know how proud he is of his Katie.... you are our angel here on earth.

Maryanne

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Katie,

You have become the woman that your parents always knew you would be. Caring, smart, full of love, driven, compassionate. You have been a daughter to be proud of, a wife to be loved, a mother who is adored. All these things because your parents believed in you. You have made them proud!!

May you feel their love still and may your memories be cherished always. You truely are special.

Much love and many warm hugs.

Shirley

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(((((((Katie)))))))

My dad died about 35 years ago and not a day goes by when I don't think about him. He was an alcoholic who sometimes physically abused us but he was my dad and I loved him anyway.

Your parents will always be by your side, and I am sure that they are proud of you.

Hugs - Patti B.

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