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Never said goodbye to Mum.


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Hi all

Have been thinking alot about Mum these last few weeks, and find myself spending alot of time in those last awful few weeks of her life. We never, ever talked with Mum about the possibility of her dying. For her entire fight with her cancer we all always committed ourselves 100% to fighting it, and trying to research every possible option to keep Mum alive long enough that we would find the thing that would save her. We couldn't do it. But we never allowed Mum to talk with us (maybe she did with Dad, I can't comment on that) about her dying and how much we were going to miss her and how scared we were to be living without her. She just slowly faded away from us and none of things were ever talked about. She knew how much we loved her, we told her, we saw her and held her every day. We all lived together at home in her last week. We massaged her hands and her feet and her head when she could no longer talk, but we never let her have a chance to say any last things she wanted to say to us. I feel so guilty about this. She wouldn't have tried to as she realised we just never were willing to give up. I wonder what she would have said if we had let her. It's a memory I actually wish I had. I just didn't know how to let it happen as all I wanted was for her to get better, so talking about her not getting better seemed so wrong. I guess it was kind of selfish. Can anyone relate to this?

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We had the conversation one night..... And Deb told me in these exact words, "I am tired Of Fighting, but I wont stop. If I see the light I am going to it, But I won't turn around and look for it!" the last Thing I said to her was, " I Love you and will see you tomorrow.."

Don't let the guilt eat at you. It will consume you and destroy you from the inside out. You have to let it go in any way possible. Talk to mum. Go out under the stars and talk to her. She can hear every word you say to her.

Throw Eggs! It gets the frustration out. It is a transference of emotion. Grab a dozen eggss from the store and come home and Aim for the nearest tree. Really let them fly. Yell scream Curse whatever you feel like doing though but get it out of your system.

Your mum won. She lived her life the way she wanted to. She did not let the cancer consume her and overwhelm her. She went out fighting screaming and Kicking all the way.

And remember the one thing that cancer can never take from you is the Love and the Memories you have for and Of your Mum!!!

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I understand. I needed more time and conversation with mom than I get. We did talk about her dying...and I did in her last minutes tell her she did a good job and she could go...I'd be OK.

But I still needed more.

WE ALL have something we could feel guilt or regret over. But remember, you didn't put your mom or you or your family in the situation...the cancer did...and it is a no win situation.

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In the end I always told mom I loved her, and tried not to leave anything unsaid, but never really said Goodbye or talked about what was going to happen. My way of dealing with her illness was through denial, and although I knew she was going to die, I always thought there was going to be more time. I thought that Mom would go downhill and we would know the end was near, but she was awake and asking for fudgesicles in the morning, went to sleep, and never woke up again. I wish I could have said more, but try to take comfort in the fact that it was quick for her, and she didn't have to suffer the horrible end we were all dreading. I think as long as they knew we loved them, that is all that really matters. I am working on telling the people who are still in my life more often that I love them.

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I think your mum knew you were saying good-bye every time you massaged her hands and feet and rubbed her head. I think she would have said - we've done the best we could for as long as we could. It's time now. Thank you for such love and care. I love you.

Don't beat yourself up. It's the way it was to be.


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