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suffocating in grief


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Yesterday marked 3 years that my mama and best friend left this place. I hurt, I ache. When I lost mama, I lost my best friend-the person who held me up, who shopped with me, who cooked with me, who gave me good advice about my sons. Losing my mama has forced me into a cold and angry spot today. Talk about being forever changed...I have, Katie.

I don't know why I'm surprised that my stepdad, scratch that, her husband nor my brother contacted me. We were at odds throughout her illness, but I thought we'd make good on our promise to have lunch at mom's favorite place every year on the 18th. My brother didn't even call me. I just can't believe it...

Mama was the link that held it all together. I tried to fill her shoes, but I am turning it over. I can't any longer inititate relationships with people who are so selfish and insensitive.

I am still plugging away at my commitment to her; I will graduate in the spring. The image of her yelling from the stands "You go, girl" still inspire me to muddle through the toughest of days. But as for today, I surrender it all to God. I have tons of stuff to do, yet cannot. I can't decide if I should go into my car and scream or just go to bed while the tears flow down my cheeks. I lost an entire "family" when I lost her.

My kiddos lost the best nana ever. We had a good family cry last night, but I realized that Liam (now 7) has no memories of my mom other than lying in the bed at my house. My pain has obviously passed through to him bc he was beside himself last night. Graden (now 9) remembers a few things, and he obviously holds onto those things deep in his heart. He was moved to tears last night as well. While I do not want my boys to be sad, at least in mama's memory and to honor her, I am teaching my sons to share emotions and their few memories, while my brother has hundreds of memories, yet not an ounce of emotion.

OK, so I'm a mess at this 3 year mark. It's official.

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Dear Lori,

I hope you know how much your Mom appreciated what you did for her. It had to have been tough. Your boys have seen a shining example of what the bonds of love can do. I wish I could say I did the same for my Mom during her illness. I didn't/couldn't and still am okay with what I could do. You offered something rare and special in this culture. Give yourself a break - do something special for you and your kids and let the rest of the family do what they need (or don't need) to do.

We want to hear how this last year of school goes, and we will be there to cheer you on at graduation, if only virtually.

With love and kindness,


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Dear , sweet (((((Lori))))), I feel your pain and sadness. I remember so much of your mom's journey, like it was yesterday. You were a wonderful daughter . She would be so proud of you now . I'm just so very sorry that your family hasn't been there for you . Some men seem to forget dates of all kinds and have to be reminded... I'm not making excuses , just speaking from experience. I know your heart hurts with grief and it's hard to understand how they could forget. I hope the time you shared with your kids, as they remembered their grandmother, was a help to you. Three years later, the pain can still be very intense. She was a wonderful mother , Lori, and so is her daughter. :)



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Lori I am sad for Ya tonite...... I hope you get some sunshine tommorrow!! We get it we really do. Do what ever your heart feels like doing right now, but get it out of your body. Bottled Grief can be Toxic You know!!!!! (((((Lori)))))))

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I know...

There are so many days when all I want is my mom.

You aren't "officially a mess"> We only get one mom and she is our universe and the one who gives us life as children and continue for many to be central to our lives as long as we have them. Who can blame us for continuing to grieve.

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Dearest Lori

You were always a WONDERFUL daughter. You were the one who was right there for her during all she went through. She is looking down upon you with so much love and so proud of the woman you have become.

My heart to yoiur Lori.....

Maryanne :cry:

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