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Does anyone else feel this?


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I know this may be a crazy question but I keep wondering if I am the only one who feels like this.

Most days I am really content with my life, maybe even a little happy but it seems like when things are going their best is when I get hit with an emotional hammer.

I am afraid, afraid that if I feel too good I will forget. There are so many things that are starting to dim in my memories and I don't want to lose them. The good memories of me and Johnny seem to hurt as much or even more than the bad ones, but I need those memories, they are all I have left of him. Just now I went back and read some of my journals so I could remember. God it is so painful but when I read them I can see his face and remember the love, even feel his love.

There will never be anyone to love me the way he did, to make me feel as loved and wanted and needed. I will never want or need anyone the way I did him and still do.

There are times when I want more from life than what I have. For the most part I am very contented but I know there is much missing. I look around me and for I am 20 to 30 years younger than most of my neighbors at least spiritually if not in actual years with all of them. I know there is a reason for me to be here but once in a while I feel like I don't belong, like I am all alone in a world that really has no meaningful place for me.

It has been nearly seven years now sense I lost my first and last love, my first and last lover, my soul mate and my best friend. I don't want to discourage those of you who are just starting out on the journy but have to know, things will get better for the most part, but the pain and feelings of loss never really go away.

The worse part is that sometimes I am so afraid that they will and then I will have nothing left of the love that made me feel like a whole person for such a short time in my life.

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I am not yet where you are in the journey, but you have given me pause to reflect.

I/we are in what will probably be the last steps in this walk, but your perceptions are a gift to us in my/our sojourn.

Thank you for posting this. I will hold it in my heart, and know that wisdom is a gift you offer while Bill and I continue, albeit, haltingly - our trek.

As the kids today say, "I hear you."


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For what it is worth we are on the same time line. It has been 7 years for me also. Some days are great and soe not so much. they are better than they used to be. I am used to being content in my solo life for now. Our ages may be different but I think our hearts are about the same in a lot of ways. No matter what You never get over a true love lost. Time takes things away, such as memories but mementos keep them real. I have a box of things of Debs!!!

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I think everything you are feeling is truly normal when you've lost someone who you truly love. I could have written every single word there myself.

One of my biggest fears is that I am forgetting. My memory always was great, but in the past few years I find that I struggle to remember even the simplest of things. It takes so much more effort to recall all the details I want to remember, and I truly wish to remember every detail down to every hair, every smile, every moment. But I'm finding that is impossible now. And somehow I do seem to equate that forgetting and that struggle with my healing and happiness. I sometimes feel that with greater periods of time where I'm feeling happy and content, I'm forgetting more. So in exchange I hold onto a bit of my sorrow and grief, refusing to let it go because to let it go, feels like I am letting him go. He is gone, but I hold on to whatever I can as if it will help me feel connected. I have a facebook account and I had posted just a week ago that "I hold onto my pain as a treasured and cherished gift, I refuse to let my heart heal and have encased the pain in stone so it never leaves. Its all I have left."

I know it is probably not what most people would say is the healthiest outlook, or what psychologists would be satisfied with, but it is my true and real emotions. And I think it's normal. I think that many people out there who have lost the loves of their lives hold onto everything and anything to keep them in our lives, even if that thing is the pain of their loss.

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Thank you all of you.

Carleen I too could have used the words that you used. I do hold on to my pain, afraid to let it go. I think as I watched you and Kieth going through your struggle and saw you blind heartwrenching pain I knew that the love you and Kieth shared was so much like mine and Johnny's. It means a lot to me to know that there are people who understand.

I am going through a dark period right now. There are many reasons for that but sometimes I think I just need the pain, I need to hold on to it to keep from spinning out of control. There are days I feel like running and running and running but I know that even if I were physically able I would still never run fast enogh to get away from myself and what eats at me. So on those days I just let the pain take over. I let it have it's way with me for a while hoping that then it will leave me in peace again for awhile :cry:

Again think you.

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Pain is toxic get it out and let it go!!! Surround yourself with love joy and happy Memories!!!! Its healthier! So Ya have to remind yourself of things. I know I do!! I have a few pictures. Not a shrine or anything, Many belongings of ours and a few of Debs artwork that I like. But they always remind me ogf the happy times. Not the days in ICU and Side effects and bad things though. Those are locked away in a box in the closet!!!! My Puppy even reminds me of Daisy who was Our Puppy Dawg!!!! I am looking at a hand made painting that Deb did 1 year for our anniversary. It used to make me cry and now it makes me smile.

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