My eternal darkness has arrived

[michellep]

I'm posting to let you all know that I lost the Love of My Life this morning. The crisis care nurse from hospice spent the night while I took a xanax for sleep last night. I hadn't slept for days. I awoke at 5am this morning and she told me that my husband was in a coma now and it was only a matter of a couple hours.

I sat by his bedside as I have been doing for many days now telling him how very proud I am of his courage and that we will always be together in our hearts. I told him that I would be okay and that he can follow the light now. I know he heard me.....I'm sure of it. So, I sat there and put moisture cream on his lips and a bit of water thru a syringe to keep his mouth moist. I held him close and said that I wanted him to save me a special place in heaven that I would join him soon. I will never say good-bye...only "I'll see ya".

I talked to him about memories. For instance when I had a hysterectomy and he decided to put in a new toilet. I don't know how many of you are aware that after this surgery, when you gotta go....believe me.....rush rush rush. Well, it took him all day to install this toilet in our single bathroom (in our other home...I have four now LOL). I was just livid when it took him so long to install this toilet that I was forced to actually "waddle" to the neighbors house and beg to use their bathroom. They must have thought I was nuts. Anyway, we laughed about that day and when I was telling him this story he smiled. Not opening his eyes, but there was indeed a smile.

Yesterday was the best because he opened his eyes....looked at me...and asked me to Marry him! WOW.....I guess those words told me everything didn't they?

I never told you much about my husband in prior posts other than his illness. Let me tell you now that this man was the kind that had never ever hurt anyone. He was kind to each and every person he ever knew. Even with his family (this is his 2nd marriage) he took the blame for his divorce with his children. ALL of it. He would never ever say one single bad word about their mother. He let them believe that HE was the one who destroyed his marriage to their mother. He was always loving and kind to me. He was so easy to please too. Especially when I cooked for him.....that was such a treat to him. He never had that before he met me. Such an easy man to please. But then again, you know the old saying, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

It feels good to share a small bit about my husband with all of you. He was the most wonderful man in the world and my world will forever be in darkness without him.

Bless all of you.

Michelle

[RandyW]

Tell me more!! Michelle Its hard to see when Your eyes are teary!! I am so sorry to see this today. But Understand he is in a pain free place. Remember every time you feel the wind on your cheeks its your hubby using his healed lungs to blow Ya kisses!!!

It is good to share things. Share and write ! Start a journal of thoughts at the very least!!

My heart goes out to you and obviously a WONDERFUL Hospice team that helped so much for both of you!!

My condolences thoughts and payers today and always for you and the family and friends that stood by you through this !!

[Patti B]

(((((((Michelle)))))

I am in shock right now. I am so very, very sorry.

I am so glad you were with him and had some good memories right up to the end. Him asking you to marry him made me break down. What a wonderful husband you had!!!

You know if you ever need to talk - you PM me. And if theres anything I can do, please let me know.

I want you to know how proud of you I am throughtout this journey. You came here originally scared to death and not knowing what to do and you blossomed into a wonderful and courageous caregiver. I know your husband is proud of you, too.

Please remember he will always be right there, beside you.

Hugs - Patti B.

[fillise]

((((Michelle))))

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got to share some warm memories with him over these last few days. I'm sure he knew you were by his side and he was grateful for it.

Now it is our turn to be by your side. We are here for you.

Susan

[Calintay]

Michelle I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like an incredible man and he had an incredible wife. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Please let us know if we can help in any way and please please please take care of your self

Heidi

[Flyman35]

(((((Michelle)))))

My heart is broken. I am so sorry to hear this. Your story just melts my heart. Please accept my deepest condolences. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Denise

[Treebywater]

I'm so sorry, Michelle. You loved him so very deeply and so very well. Thank you for sharing a little bit of him with us.

[Pattym]

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. The journal is a great idea. I am so glad I did, it really helps to write it down and get it out. Thank you so much for a glimpse of your husband. He was one in a million.

Patty

[lilyjohn]

Oh my God Michelle. I am so sorry and heartbroken to read this post. I know how lost you are right now. Please know that you are in my heart and prayers.

Seeing how you discribed your husband could have been me descirbing my Johnny. The good heart, taking the blame for a marriage that went wrong and getting excited about your cooking because no one ever had.

Those are the memories that we have to hold onto. Asking you to marry him. Oh how special.

I had my special moment the night before Johnny died when he took my hand and slowly moved it to his lips to kiss. It was so hard because by then the Myoclonus was so bad that I had to help him control the shaking.

That one gesture and your husband asking you to marry him are what make us know when the self doubts come how much we truly were loved and that if by some chance we did make a mistake it didn't matter as much as the love.

God bless you and help you through the days to come. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. (((hugs))) Lillian

[michellep]

Yes, I have kept a journal of this entire process. Not only with medical info but my personal feelings as well.

This morning I think I began to lose my mind. I got a big trash can and started throwing away all the things he was using such as oxygen tubing, tape, masks, etc. I told my son that I was getting rid of the "cancer".

[RandyW]

Michelle IF You have medical things about You may want to see if your Oncologist can use anything for other patients also. Debs Tarceva and Etoposide If i remember right ,and pain meds went back to help someone who couldn't afford some of them!!

have a along talk with Him under the stars tonite You might be surprised how much it helps ease pain...

[ChristinaMarie]

Gosh, Michelle, I am so very sorry to hear this news. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[recce101]

Michelle, my heartfelt condolences. Thank you for allowing us to share your grief, as we have shared some happier times along the way. With much Aloha,

Ned

[Fred]

I am so very sorry, Michelle.

Fred

[Kasey]

Not seeing you for a bit, Michelle, I was hanging on to the hope that you were regrouping and getting ready to return here and to the LC fight ready to kick some butt. So.....................reading this just takes my breath away.

I recall your earliest posts and remember thinking what a strong, capable, compassionate woman you were. You are still that woman and those traits will be what help you through this most difficult journey of all.

Please remember that all of us here are ready to prop you up, cry with you, pray with you, whatever you need, Michelle. And we would love to hear more about the remarkable man who whon the heart of such an outstanding woman. My heart is heavy with yours tonight,

XOXO,

Kasey

_________________

[michellep]

Can't call myself remarkable. If I were.....I feel like I could have saved him. I feel like I let him down. I feel like there must have been something....anything. I carry so much guilt wondering what didn't I do?

[jaminkw]

Michelle, I just got home and was alerted to your tragic news. Words can't express how sorry I am for your loss. I remember when you first came onsite and I commented on your avatar. It's just too fitting now. I suspected things weren't going as we all hoped when we didn't hear from you for awhile. You were, as expected, tending to the most important business at hand, seeing your wonderful husband off to a place where there is no pain. How lucky you are to have spent the time you have had with him, and he with you. Thank you for sharing.

Judy in Key West

[Bud Baker]

So sorry, Michelle. Condolences to you.

Please don't beat yourself up. You were a stong and determined caregiver and you did all you could. Sometimes, there just isn't a way to beat this horrible disease.

[RandyW]

Only god can decide things for us!! WE do everything we can for now and we soldier on !!! let the guilt out! any ways necessary. IF you don't it will consume you and make life unbearable!! Yell at god and tell him how you feel. But importantly get the guilt out of you. You did such an amazing job caring for your hubby. I know the pain also as do so many of us..

[LovesLife]

(((Michelle))) - my heart is so sad to read this news. The tears are flowing freely as I read the words of love between you and the love of your life - what you gave to each other is absolutely amazing.

I am so very sorry that your time together was cut short - it is so horribly unfair. I hope the memories and love will help you through the difficult days and years ahead.

My deepest condolences.

Linda

[carolhg]

Michelle,

I am so sorry to read your post. It is obvious that your heart is broken. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and for you.

Carol

[Nick C]

Michelle, first, I am sorry.

Second, please tell us more about your wonderful husband. No one here knew my mom...but I feel like a lot of folks here now know her and it makes me feel good that they do.

Third...cancer is a &*^%. And if you want to throw out the stuff that makes you think of it do so. And don't ever look at yourself to blame for what cancer took from you...

We'll be here...your husband did good...so did you.

[Patti B]

((((((Michelle))))))

Please, please do not feel guilty at all. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. You were such a self-less caregiver who gave up her sleep every night for the man she loves.

You DID do everything you could. I remember you calling 911 when the elevator broke at the chemo center. I KNOW I would have never thought of that.

Please be gently on yourself.

Once again, my deepest sympathies to you.

Many hugs - Patti B

[ts]

Michelle,

Hugs of tender kindness coming your way.

[Suzie Q]

Please accept my deepest condolences.

You two shared something special, and even death cannot take that away.

Can't call myself remarkable. If I were.....I feel like I could have saved him. I feel like I let him down. I feel like there must have been something....anything. I carry so much guilt wondering what didn't I do?

Sorry, Michelle, but you are not divine! None of us can save anyone from the snares of death, but if love alone could have saved him, it surely would have. You did exactly what you were to do.

Be good to yourself.

Karen