Larry's Wife Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Oh, Michelle. I am so sorry to read your news. Your husband was one special man. And I'm sure he counted himself blessed to be married to you--one special lady. Please do not let lung cancer take even more from you by feeling guilty for not being able to save your husband. If love alone could cure cancer, millions upon billions of people would still be alive today. Look at what you have done to fight this beast. You were a most awesome advocate for your husband. Shoot, around here, you're practically a legend--you're a "sticky" for a good reason!! Nobody could aspire to be a better caregiver than you have been. Every single action you took during this journey was for the benefit of your husband--even to the detriment of your own health. You did everything humanly possible to provide the best of care for your husband, even though his physicians were dropping the ball right and left. I honestly believe that without your interventions, it's likely your husband would have passed away months ago. You bought that gift of time with your own blood, sweat and tears. Don't diminish your role in his survival just because he didn't receive the cure he deserved. Michelle, widowhood is a bumpy road. I know because I'm walking it. Please don't make it bumpier by carrying unfounded guilt on your shoulders. Dear Heart, you are in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I spoke to Michelle earlier and she was starting to relax enough to sleep. This first night is so hard I just couldn't let her go thorugh it without trying to help. Please say extra prayers for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chloesmom Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Michelle, I am so very sorry to hear this news. I hope you can find some comfort knowing he's not in any pain anymore. Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 ((((Michelle)))), I am so so sorry you have lost your husband. My heart is just breaking for you. I am glad that you came back here to let us know and I hope you know that we will be here for you in the very difficult days ahead. Too many of us can relate to what you are going through now. I also want to thank you for helping us to know the wonderful man that he was. He was truly blessed to have had you and please, please don't blame yourself for anything. You did the best you could. God be with you Michelle. Hugs, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I wasn't in my right mind yesterday and probably not today either. I spent most of yesterday getting rid of anything in the house that reminded me of cancer and making necessary phone calls....some anyway. Posting here helped me. Especially when I got so many rapid responses from all of you. Even a personal telephone call from Lillian....how special that was! I understand that beating myself up emotionally isn't the right thing to do and that I fought this monster with every fiber of my being. But, it's just so hard when I think about "what if I had done this....what if I had done that".I was thinking this morning about all the medications hospice was giving him and thought, what if I had not allowed that, but with his anxiety level I know that I had no choice. BUT what if we could have talked more? I'm trying to focus on our lives before cancer not the past several months. I want to close my eyes and remember walking in the rain with him. I've always loved walking in the rain and he hated it! I used to just laugh at him and ask if he was afraid he was going to melt or something. Perhaps a silly memory to some, but it's a special one to me. I've never been the kind of woman who is hard to please he said.....it's the simple things in life that make me happy. I don't have boxes of diamonds.....I have boxes of cards and love notes. Those are what makes me happy and I've saved everyone he has ever given me for the past 20 years. I've always placed them in odd places so that when I go into a drawer for something I will find one and be reminded of how much he loved me. My husband was an aerospace engineer for NASA for 42 years before retirement and just loved it. All that technical stuff on building spacecrafts was totally beyond my simple mind. LOL But he never made me feel less intelligent then he was. He made me feel like his princess....which I adored. Anyway, sorry if I'm rambling here.....I think I still have some xanex residue in me this morning. My mind is foggy. I need a lot of coffee to wake me up because I have to go into the mortuary this afternoon to sign more papers. I don't understand why.....I thought all was set months ago. I hate that place....believe me.....the decor is awful there if you know what I mean. I haven't eaten for about 3 days now and my son is really upset with me, so I agreed to at least have a piece of toast this morning. Thank you all again.........and bless all of you. You're a gift from God! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I am glad to see you post this morning Michelle. You have been on my mind sense our talk last night. I hope you finally had a good nights sleep. Just remember for a while all food will taste like cardboard but you have to at least try. I lived on coffee with very little else for over a month. It didn't help but it was the one thing that didn't seem to stick in my throat. Just remember what I told you last night. Any time night or day I can't take your pain away or even lessen it but I can hold your hand long distance. (((hugs))) Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janette Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 God bless Michelle. I'm so sorry your going thru this, I'm so sorry we're all going thru this. I still 'what if', but I know now nothing would have mattered, Cancer got him and I hate it. Hate the word. Your man is definitely with you, I feel my Mark by me all the time, helping me thru and loving me. Take care Michelle, cherish your memories. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 When You get a chance watch this !! Kind a helps a little in easing the guilt!!! The things that cancer can never take away from us!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianew Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Michelle - I have been gone and was just heartbroken to hear this news. My sincerest sympathies to you and your son, and I will remember all of you in my prayers. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I'm very sorry for your loss. You need to let your brain committe take a rest my dear. And you need to eat and drink. Easier said then done, I know, but don't get yourself run down. Your son needs you too, you need eachother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fighting4mom Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Dear Michelle, In concert with all of these wonderful folks here, I send to you my deepest sympathy and condolences on your loss. I am sending special prayers and hugs your way right now. I hope they are reaching you. You are an inspiration and a role model. Reading your posts over these months has been such a joy and source of inspiration for me. Your resilience, tenacity and strength always shined through, but it was never so overwhelming that I couldn’t see what a beautiful, kind and loving person you truly are. You and your husband were in the fight of his life and I truly believe that you gave it everything you had – and then some. I agree with the others that you should not feel guilty – or not feel any sense that you didn’t do absolutely everything in your power. We know you did. We also know, though that there are stages of grief in this process and – though not an official stage – some sense of guilt and wonder gets weaved it. I hope you don’t wonder, however, if you did enough, if you cared enough or if you tried enough … you did. You really, really did. You have an amazing love story with amazing warm and happy memories. Thank you for sharing some. Thank you for coming here during this darkest time. I wish I had some words of wisdom or magic spell to make all your pain (and caner while I am at it) go away. I can offer you my prayers and my virtual hugs and the knowledge that you have touched my heart and I grieve with you. Blessings to you and your family, Kimbelry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muriel Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Michelle, I am so sorry to hear this. You certainly did everything that could be done to help him. (((((Michelle))))) Muriel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Michele, I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your sweet husband. I say sweet because that is way you describe him. What a wonderful soul he has. Pleae take some comfont in knowing you were with him in the end and you had made his passing so much easier having you there and talking about all those sweet memories. To make a person smile in a state like he was in was an indication that he did hear you and how much he loved you. His sick physical body may be gone but his soul will live on and he will be waiting for you when it is your turn to join the eternal. And it will be a glorious reunion. You were blessed to have someone who loved you unconditionally and I can't imagine the grief you are feeling. I only know that even though your heart is broken it will someday be whole again and he will live on through you and all the wonderful memories you shared together. My heart to yours, Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 I want to thank each and everyone of you for your kind words. It means a great deal to me. When I come here and read your posts somehow it makes me feel less alone. Yesterday was really hard. I know there are many phone calls that are supposed to be made following this event. (still not sure exactly who) I did call his family and friends, but I hadn't made the necessary financial calls (not that his ex doesn't get 90% of it). I thought that it could wait a few days. Then my phone started ringing. First from the mortuary...they said they had numerous calls wanting copies of the death certificate. Apparently his son said he needed it to collect social security benefits for "me" in addition to asking how they can remove my husband and send him elsewhere.....didn't work. Then his past employer called saying someone was trying to cancel my medical insurance. His prior employer gives me lifetime medical as part of his retirement. Then....it continued with the bank trying to access our savings account. I'm trying to grieve and it's so hard to control these tears. Yet, these people forced me to sit on the phone trying to protect what little we have left. I don't get much from his pension, but then, I always have felt that God will provide and help me thru this somehow. How evil people can be that jump on the telephone and go running around looking for that almighty dollar instead of grieving for their father? My son told me that I should never have notified them until I myself had everything in place. I couldn't do that.....I tried to do the right thing. I felt that their deserved to know and that there had just got to be love somewhere in their hearts. I was so very wrong. I feel like this experience has destroyed my belief in human nature in a way. You never really know what people are capable of do you? So, this morning I shall go to the bank and transfer funds to a new account hoping what little we have will be safe and secure me until I can get my butt out into the world and go back to work. Love and God Bless all of you (((((My friends at LCSC))))) PS: Sorry Lily I didn't answer the phone last night. I medicated myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 That is alright Hon. I just wanted to make sure that you were holding together after you pm. In the scheme of things these people with their cold hearts and petty little ways to try and cause you harm don't really matter. You were the one who was there and you were legally married. You had rights remember the things I told you about those rights. I had none. Just remember too that as he was leaving this world it was you he asked to marry him, not his ex. He spent his last days with you and that is what really matters. You love each other and that love will never die. It will always be a part of you. So you just think about the love and the good times and know that his kids are like they are because SHE was more than likely a real witch I really hope that today is not as full of anxiety as yesterday.If you need a shoulder remember, I am just a phone call away. ((Hugs Michelle))) Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Michele, So sorry to read about the loss of your husband. Also, having to deal with financial and family issues should NOT be happening now. While Thom and I were well prepared for the financial part, I had no idea how bad the family issues would become. From experience I can tell you that today it is about YOU. Do what you need to get through this and to hell with everyone else. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Michelle, As if it's not hard enough. Sigh. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this bulls*^t, especially now. Hang in there sweetie. I'll be praying for you. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Michelle, I've always said there's one in every family. In fact, we're lucky if there is only one. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this now. I was at a lunch with extended family this summer and a couple of them were educating the rest of us in how to protect yourself financially if one of you dies. I was a bit appalled but just a little intrigued that there are people who know what to do in their own best interest and have the presence of mind to do it in the most tragic times. You did the right thing in telling his family of his passing. You could not have anticipated treachery. Take care of yourself the best you can now and we're here to listen if you need an ear. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 I managed to at least transfer checking account funds yesterday into another account. Then I went to the jewelers to try and have my husbands wedding ring re sized for me. They said they couldn't do it on site and that I had to leave it for a few days. There is "no way" I will leave it there. A friend of mine knows a place and will take me this week end. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself today. I keep thinking that I should go into our room and clean it so I can move the furniture back where it was. I had to move all of it to make space for his hospital bed etc. I had arranged the two beds so they were flush and I could just reach for him at night. But now it looks so empty in there. I've been talking to a friend from LCSC here on the board for a few weeks now thru pm's. That friend has been so helpful and going out of their way to distract me from my pain. I began to feel guilty yesterday about taking so much time from this person. They have a life too don't they? Who am I to cry on someone's shoulder with my fears when they should be busy with their own life. I asked myself, how fair is this....you know that all you're doing is depressing this person and that just isn't right. I sent a final pm last night saying that we shouldn't talk anymore. Now in a way....I'm feeling yet another loss. Does that make sense? I don't know what makes sense anymore. I'm lost..........so very lost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Oh Michelle, I just saw this post. There is nothing I can say to make it better for you. I am so sorry you and your hubby had to go through this. Prayers to you and hubby. ((((hugs)))) Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 The business of our loved ones dying seems out of place considering how the emotion of loss seems primary, but you will deal with it..you have to...you won't like it....and you'll be pissed you aren't just being left to grieve. I had read a book called grieving the death of a mother...obviously pertinent to my situation and not so much to yours...but there was a story of a sister who while at the funeral got a call thhat the othehr sister was at the house cleaning out her mothers belongings. I think there have been other such stories here where family hasn't acted QUITE like anyone thought or hoped they would. You aren't alone, but I also know that doesn't make this any easier either. I'm really sorry family doesn't rally like you would hope at times like this...I'm also sorry that there isn't a grace period before the phone starts ringing for business reasons, but we'll be here to understand...because we have all in little ways taken at least a step or two in your shoes. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Michelle, Please accept my deepest sympathy. May God hold you in the palm of his hand and comfort you. Marci Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 I went out this morning. I needed to return TV boxes to Verizon. They tried to tell me I have a $179 required fee to make changes. I don't usually raise my voice....not to anyone, but I did today. The account is in my husbands name and a reasonable person would think Verizon would waive this fee under the circumstances. So.....I proceed to raise my voice (just a bit) and explained to her that if she wants to sue him for the changes....good luck because I'm not going to pay it. There is less than 60 days on the contract anyway.....good lord. Then I decided to go food shopping. I have a friend who is nagging me about eating something other than re-fried beans. So....what do I do? I walk past the peanuts in the shell....first thought was my husband. He loved those silly things. One time I walked into the room and the poor man was just scared silly trying to clean up the shells off the floor before I saw them. He actually thought I would get mad. Now, how mad can you get at a man who is desperately trying to clean up a mess before the wife sees it? I cried many tears remembering that day. People were staring at me like I was a nut case or something. Next I go to the beer (yes for me) and I see his all time favorite beer called "Blue Moon". Here come the tears again. I didn't like that beer...it's one of those unfiltered kind. I don't enjoy drinking something that has "things floating" in it. More tears.....and by this time I was getting low on tissues. THAT was my next item at the market. I had to open the box and get some so I could finish and get out of that place asap before they called 911 and had someone come in there to collect me with a big net and a cute white wrap around vest. And yes, I did get some food for me. Veggies, fruit and chocolate covered almonds. I wonder what the nut house would be like. Do you think I could still get internet access so I can come post here and email? Maybe I'll call and ask....just in case. PS Question.....if I grieve for 10 years this is going to be the longest post in history. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 all I can say is been there, done that. We can talk later. (((Michlle))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I have been sad for almost seven Michelle !!! Your gonna be ok, I know it!! just gonna take some time. PM Me IF I can help also!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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