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My eternal darkness has arrived


michellep

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I tried a 2nd time at the hospice grief support meeting yesterday. It too seemed more like a social gathering than grief. I suppose it's because these are all long term members. I believe the most recent passing had been 3-4 years....and here "I" sit with 14 days. So....I went to my pcp and had a total meltdown....he is arranging one on one meetings with a counselor for me and is giving me some heavy duty meds....I don't know if I'm coming or going right now cuz these are a lot of meds and I'm not used to this.

I still haven't been wanting to eat. It's been a few days and my son is really angry with me because he found out I had been putting the food he prepared for me buried in the trash can. It's hard to explain....I just don't want food. I'm a fairly intelligent person and realize that the body needs food to sustain itself, yet the thought makes me feel ill.

BUT....I'll try.........maybe tomorrow.

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The problem is that all food tastes like carbord because it can't get past the lump in your thoat that feels like someone shoved a burning tree trunk down your thoat and into your heart. It does get better. I think I lived on coffee and very little else for a month or more after Johnny died. I remember one day going to get some groceries. I went through the store like someone in a trance. When I was ready to check out I had two items in my basket and I think that was coffee and creamer.

It will get easier to swallow one day before you even realize it you will be actually eating again. Just take it slow. It is worse to eat and throw up than to eat just little bites. When I have trouble eating or am sick I always have a cup of hot tea and some plain old soda crackers. They line your stomache so you can take on something else.

I hope you sleep tonight. Please be careful with the drugs. I know that you need them but when your mind is so full of your pain it is easy to forget and take them again.

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Michelle, see if Hospice offers a 7 week program for the newly bereaved. That is what I attended. I also found a widow group on Meetup.com.....I don't know your age, but our AARP has a widow group as well that meets every two weeks. Many churches offer 8 week programs. I don't know where you live but would be happy to search for you.....

As Lily said, be careful with the meds. Do try to eat. Even if just for your son. He is worried about you as we all are. And if you can't get some Ensures or something.....you need nourishment. Grieving takes a lot of energy. I lost quite a bit of weight initially during my husband's illness and death.....but it found me again:) Keep posting we care and want to help you..... No one needs to walk this path alone....

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Michelle, I'm glad you went to your pcp and got a referral to a counselor. Linda has a lot of good ideas too. When I was a practicing counselor, I preferred a grieving group for people generally speaking because they are bound to connect with someone in the group. If they could find a group that was a good fit, by all means a counselor. But even there, making the connection is paramount.

Do watch the meds. Check with your counselor when you start. I followed a middle-of-the-road approach. If you need just enough to allow you to participate, that's o.k. But if you're taking so much it masks the pain, then your efforts will likely be in vain.

Good luck and keep trying to get the assistance through this that you obviously could use.

Judy in Key West

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I think I'm slowly going insane here. I walk from room to room with no purpose really. I see things that can/should be done and I just walk past them and wander back into another room. I tell myself each morning...."This is what you're going to do today" and NONE of it happens.

I tired to go into my husband closet today and I could actually "smell him", so I had to leave immediately and just cry my heart out. Everywhere I look reminds me of him....every picture in the house, he hung. Ceiling fans....furniture he put together and his tools....oh my....that man has enough tools to open a business. I don't even know what most of them are supposed to do!

The pension money and social security is all messed up. I had transferred most and left some to cover outstanding checks. The social security took it back and now everything is bouncing all over the place. Social Security says they'll put the money back in 8 weeks "after" I go in on Monday and prove the date of his passing. IDIOTS! They didn't want "proof" when they pulled it out did they? Then, there's the pension...it went into la la land somewhere and they are trying to locate the funds.

ughhhhhhhhhh I need a drink :cry:

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Michelle, I think you're pushing things. The closet, the tools, that kind of stuff can and usually does wait--sometimes for many months. I can't believe you are having these financial hassels. Those things can't be put off. Whatever energy you have, you need to put it there.

I'm sorry but it sounds like his kid(s) is/are messing with you.

Hope you get some peace soon.

Judy in Key West

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Michelle,

Although my husband did not pass from cancer (massive heart attack at age 54, with no prior symptoms and the only symptom that morning a slight burning or tingling sensation in his arm (like he slept on it wrong)), it was totally unexpected. For 2 months after he died, I thought I was going crazy, with crazy thoughts, coming home from work and sitting on the couch just staring out the windows, losing hours of time (have no clue where they went or what I did). I started having severe panic attacks and have 15 emergency room visits just for those. I ate, but don't remember eating or just had one or two bites. I used to have people telling me to eat (if we were out) my dinner or vegetables like a little kid. I got so tired of being told "what you are going through is normal" especially when it was not normal to the person I thought myself to be.

I finally checked myself into the hospital. There I learned all about grief and the difference between grief and depression. That is what helped me the most. I learned how to recognized the difference between normal grieving and when the depression got a hold of me. And yes, I also took anti-anxiety and anti-depressant pills.

I also learned deep breathing exercises to help when the panic-y feeling started as well as some visualization techniques that helped and I still use many of those same things when that panic-y feeling surfaces with my cancer treatments(especially scans as I am severely claustrophobic, something I did not know until my cancer showed up).

I also learned that we all grieve in our own way. I emptied all of Mikey's clothes from the drawers and closets with in 3 or 4 days of his burial and sent them to a Clothes closet in the little town we lived outside of as I could not stand seeing all his clothes still there. I kept a couple of items, like a cordaroy Blazer (that I let my youngest daughter's boyfriend wear to a school dance this last year and actually gave it to her (daddy's little girl)) and some other things like his string (Bolo) ties and wallet (which I just gave to my youngest son recently).

One of the reasons your meds are knocking you out is that you need to eat something when you take them. You need to have something in your stomach. Doesn't have to be much, maybe a couple of crackers or a piece of toast. Also, sometimes you have to have your doctor raise or lower the does to get rid of the "zombie" feeling. But sometimes that feeling is just you grieving and not the meds. As someone else said just don't fall in the bottle (of meds or alcohol and please be careful with alcohol and the meds!). They can help tremendously but they can not cure the grief.

There is much of the first 6 to eight months after his passing that is still surrounded in a gray, hazy fog, that only my oldest daughter can tell me what really happened. But we all got through it by just sticking by each other and leaning on family and friends. I still grieve for him and miss and think about him daily. But I haven't had a major panic attack in quite a while, even with my cancer diagnosis. Still have anxiety and have had a script for anti- anxiety pills for the last 7 years since he died which I still use and have updated by my Onc. They help me tremendously with just general anxiety, scanxiety, and sleeping. I love my ativan cause it works when I need it too and I can take it as I need it.

Be gentle with yourself and your son as he is grieving too, in his own way.

Put one foot in front of the other and take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time as you need to. It won't go away, but it will get better. I promise.

Dawn

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