alone and thinking

[lilyjohn]

Wow I am having deep thoughts today. Not quite sure where they came from or where they will lead.

I keep busy, most of the time too busy but today I just can't seem to be busy enough. Sure there are things I could do but I don't want to. I think the real problem is that I have just begun to realize something. I am alone.

Most of the time being alone doesn't bother me. In fact I often guard my alone time jealously. I know I have been lonely many times, often in a room full of people. This is just the first time that I can remember when I have really felt both alone and lonely.

I spend 99% of my time alone. I eat alone. I watch tv alone and when I have my car I shop alone and often just go for a ride alone. I eat alone and I sleep alone. I enjoy not having to be responsible to anyone. It is nice to be able to go and not tell anyone where I am going or when I will be back. It's nice sitting up on the computer half the night and not having to explain why or skipping a meal because I want to or just eating cake or nothing for dinner. There are many reasons to enjoy the freedom that comes from being independant but someitmes it just hurts to be so alone.

I have my friends here and many friends and family members to talk to on the phone. On Sundays I spend the majority of my day on the phone. Usually that satisfies any need that I may have but not today.

I come to the computer and read or write but there is silence here. A telephone nor a computer can wrap their arms around you and make you feel safe and secure for a while. It can't give you the warmth of a human smile or the feeling of having a place that belongs to you deep in someone else heart.

I miss Johnny today. I miss his smile and his silly little joikes that were sometimes so out ragous that I wanted to hide in embarasement. I miss the way he looked at me and the silly and loving nicknames he had for me. I miss the sparkle in his eyes and most of all I miss the times when we would snuggle together. When anything could go on in the world but we could snuggle together and face it. I have been hiding this from myself for awhile. I was so sure that my life was better now. For the most part it is but deep down inside there is that profound sadness and the need to once again feel like I am the most important person in someones lfe.

I think part of that comes from the aniversary dates that are looming in the near future. Part of it comes from my relationship with Terry. He is a good man and a good friend. There is a part of me that would still want more from our realtionship but I know that most of that is born of lonliness and my need to belong to someone. As I said I think we care too much to allow a relationship to spoil what we have. I could never give a full measure of myself to anyone. So much of me still belongs to Johhny. He has his past to deal with as well. In a relationship we would each be settleing for something less that what we really want. Still when I remember the feel of his arms around me I am tempted and I think he is too. Maybe someday things will be different between us or maybe someone else will come along. I really can't see that happening but again so much of my life I never saw coming.

I don't want to bring any one down. God knows there is enough suffering here right now. I hope that somehow in some small way I can help others but right at this minute I am feeling so selfish and so full of need. So alone.

[RandyW]

if it helps I have had a LOT of those days !!! I work with my friends and come home to My puppy dawg.. same days My roomie is here but not a lot of them.

Ya don't have to apologize for it! we get Ya!! Hugs and prayers for a sunnier tomorrow.. I am gonna find ya on FB and try to cheer ya up!!!

[jaminkw]

Lily, I feel so bad you are going through this right now. I do remember days, I think it was last year, when I felt similarly so desparately lonely and isolated in that loneliness. I was angry too. At the time I had a few so-called friends that always expressed such concern for me when the group got together. But the women never reached out or even responded on a day-to-day basis. I don't know what happened to change that. Well, I do know, I've shifted my focus to making new friends and it seems to be working. Maybe you'll decide to do the hospice training. It could offer an avenue of new friends. I joined a face-to-face cancer group and couldn't be happier with some of the friends I've made there.

May the day pass gently for you and we'll never get tired of you here.

Judy in Key West