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Confused / Missing Her


Marci

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Hi All,

Haven't been on in quite awhile. Have been through alot in such a short time. I have finally settled into my new place (I moved out of my Mom's in where I had rented from her and my stepdad but b/c my stepdad immediately stopped grieving and began running around town with a girl I went to high school with I had to relocate b/c he felt the space would do us good. Yeah him good so he can ease the guilt that exuberates from him everytime I see him. He says he is not seeing this girl anymore but my brother informs me of his occasional sleeping out nights. How it makes me sick. He lies to my Mom's sisters and says this is untrue etc. I feel so confused on what I should do with this relationship b/c it really has interrupted my grieving process. The grieving has come now to find me in my new place I miss her so much I just start crying at any given time now. I have been like psychotic going from one emotion to another from sadness to anger. I wish she could talk to me for one second to tell me if my stepfather is worthy of any relationship with me. I feel she would not want me to tolerate this much longer and put a stop this man putting people through more than they need to we are mourning for goodness sakes this has been so disrespectful. I don't know what to do if I should let go of this relationship with my stepfather ......How I wish my Mom and I could talk for one more second...

Marci

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I think the answer to your question is how much do you want a relatioship with your step father? How important is he in your life?

I will tell you something. I am not sure it will apply in your case but something similar happened with my dad after my mom died. The difference is that the relationship my dad had was all in his mind. He focused on one young woman that the county had sent to take care of him after Mama died. She was married and had two children but in his mind he was in love and so was she. He was in his late 70s and she her late 20s or early 30s.

I hated it when he would talk about her all of the time. I hated that my mom was gone and he lived in his fantasy world but deep inside of me I knew that was the only way he could handle the loss of my mom. He could not face her death so he made up a world where he didn't have to.

It hurt me so much but at the same time a part of me understood. Often I would cut our phone calls short because I just didn't want to hear any more. There was never any more to our conversations. When he died a few years later I felt so guilty because I had so often done or said anything to get off of the phone. I realized only too late that what had happened with my dad was just the dreams of an old man who had lost everything and had no idea how to continue in life alone.

So please think it over carefully and if you feel that he is just being cold and uncaring leave the relationship. You know him. I don't but take a close look first. Sometimes it is so hard to understand the pain of someone else and believe me when I say that we all grieve so differently.

I hope that you can find a way to have some peace. As for your mom, talk to her. She may not speak back to you but you will hear in your heart what she would want you to know. God Bless you and ease your pain. Lillian

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Marci I am so sorry for you in this situation. Maybe it calls for a temporary fix. You can tell your stepfather (or just yourself or other family members) that you need to cut off the relationship with him for now. You said it yourself, it is interrupting and complicating your grieving process. One thing I know is that it is never good to make important decisions while you are in an emotional state. The part of your brain that governs intellect can short circuit when your emotions are high. But give yourself a break from this man who appears to be acting like a creep right now. I like Randy's idea of going outside and looking at the stars and talking to your mom. I agree with Lillian that when you find a moments peace in your life, your Mom will let you know the answer to this dilemna.

Judy in Key West

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Lillian,

Thanks for responding. I know what you mean about thinking it over carefully etc. Should I terminate this relationship thats it between us. My stepfather who I always refer to as my Dad since he has been in my life since I was 12 years old ( I'm gonna be 37 this Friday ughh!!!) and I wish for my birthday I could talk and sit with my Mom more than anything. He has been a part of my life but he has never been the role model parent at all to me or any of his children for the most part. Some things that he has done make me enraged inside and sometimes I feel like I could just strangle him not literally of course but I just have this rage towards him and I am not sure what to do with all of it. I can't help but hold this grudge with him like when he took my mother's sister to pick out her stone and not me. What the hell was that about and when I asked him why he did that he said he didn't have to explain himself to anyone. I screamed back I am not just anyone I am her daughter and yours I thought. I just feel so frustrated really b/c with the grief all this is on top of it and I just feel so crazy from it.

Marci

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Thanks Judy -I hope u are feeling ok. It has been so bad with this maybe a break is what is needed. Sad thing is I already think I know in my heart that this man is not going to be a major person in my life anymore. I feel he let me down in the worst time of my life and for me that is when you find out who you can rely on and who you can't. He definitely didn't come through for me as far as he could given me some time to get myself together before having me move etc after all we went through or should I say I and my mother went through b/c most nights he wasn't home to see the struggle. Somethings I just can't let go of right now I just feel like there is a time and place for everything and this should not be now for him to gain his freedom and run around. I know someone told me that even in the bible it says that there is 1 year of mourning that is respectful.

Thanks for listening

Marci

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