LisaEz Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I only had the chance to post here a few times before my dad died this summer. He had been diagnosed with NSCLC (Stage 4) and died 20 days later. I haven't been able to do much about him since his death. I created a blog and wrote out the story of the day of his death so I wouldn't lose the little details. I got through the memorial service. I've made it through 3 "month anniversaries" of his death since July 27th. I've supported my stepmom as much as I can as she goes through this loss and grief. I still haven't cried since the day he died. Not once. I've teared up a couple of times, especially when I call their house and hear his voice on the answering machine. Some part of it still feels unreal. As though he's at home, with his wife, and I just haven't heard from him for a while. Then a picture of him will pop into my mind, the way he looked at the funeral home when my smom and I viewed his body and said goodbye again before he was cremated. I had always been a bit scared to touch a dead body, I don't know why. But that day, I couldn't stop touching him. We cut off a couple of locks of his hair. I put the hair away and haven't looked at it since. His birthday would have been one week from today. I am not sure how to get through November 8th. And then Thanksgiving. And then Christmas. Last year he went with us to pick apples with my kids. This year we went without him. I'm so numb and yet in pain. It makes no sense. I can feel myself putting my feelings into a box in my heart and closing the lid so that I can focus on my three young children and day to day life. We've all had H1N1 the past few weeks (of course, we all got it one at a time, not together) and life is just always so busy that it's almost easy to say, like Scarlett O'Hara, that I'll think about it tomorrow. I still always think "I want my Daddy" whenever I think of him. I want him back, I want him with me. I want to tell him more things and hug him and kiss him and hug him again. I want to see his smile. I want for people to ask me how I am and really mean that they want to know. I want to not have to be strong every minute of every day in front of my kids. I want to grieve him and begin to heal instead of feeling as though I am putting something off. But I can't seem to. I feel defective. He would have been 69 in one week. I still can't believe he won't be here for me to call and talk to on that day. Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to get it out. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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