Bombarded by memories tonight

[lilyjohn]

Isn't it amazing that when we get close to THAT time how we don't need a calender or even a clock. Memories seem to be able to find me even when I have avoided the date. So many things that are good memories and so many that are not so good. Still in each memory Johnny was alive. When these memories come no matter how painful they can be he lives again. How can I fight that

Eight years ago tomorrow I started out on a trip that would lead me to see Johnny for the first time in over 40 years. We had talked on the phone for a while but still I was both excited and afraid. I knew how much I had changed and even though he sounded the same I had no real idea what it would be like to see him again.

The trip took three days by train. How can I possibly explain what I was feeling those last few miles? My heart was racing and all I could think of were the years gone by and the man I had known and loved most of my life. Still how would he look and what would he think when he saw me again. Would he still want me when he realized that the young girl he had fallen in love with so long ago was now a grandmother?

I wrote about what it was like to get off the train and how we reacted when we first saw one another. Now I want to pick up there and tell you about that majic time. The time when the years turned back and all of the love from so long ago was just waiting for us to come together again.

We had planed ahead and his daughter in law had helped him find a motel for us to spend that first night in. It was in a busy area and there was a resturant across the street. I hadn't eaten on the train because I was too nervous and Johnny had waited to eat so we could go and eat together. I think that was a good thing because we were both kind of nervous

I was really tired so we sat for a few minutes and talked. I had some family pictures with me and we looked at them. Some were of my family that he knew, others were of my children and grandchildren. After about a half hour we left for the resturant.

Some how we turned the wrong way and found the resturant was surrounded by a brick wall. After a while we came to a place where the bricks had been broken down. Johnny crossed and took my hand to help me over. We crossed the busy hiway and laughed because we were being so careful. We had waited so many years for that night and there was no way we were going to get hit by a car crossing the street.

I ordered a burger and fries and Johnny ordered a big meal of both eggs and potatoes as well as biscuits and gravy and bacon. He ate the whole thing. I was so tired and nervous I am not sure if I ate it all or not. I only had eyes for my Johnny.

When we got back to the motel I went into the shower. I had taken a special gown with me and put that on when I got out of the shower. I went back into the room and never looked at him. I took out my hair dryer and started to dry my hair. I could see him in the mirror but only slightly. The room was dark other than by the dresser. As I dried my hair he made a remark that he would repeat many times in the next year. He asked me how come my hair was red. Now my hair has always been blond and he remembered that. With age it had darkened but it was not red. I think he may have been a little color blind.

I took my time drying my hair and when I finished I turned to Johnny and that is when he kissed me. With that kiss 41 years dropped away.

The next morning when I started to get dressed and go for coffee he made me stay in bed. He told me that I had been waiting on people all of my life and it was time that someone waited on me, He left for coffee and came back with coffee and donuts. As we ate we held hands and talked.

After we ate he called his son. He made a remark to him that makes me blush even now after being used to the things he said. He loved to see me blush and that morning I almost choked on my coffee when he called my niece Jacci and repeated the same thing to her that he had told his son

Our time togerther that first time after so many years was very special, not only because we had been apart for so long but because he was still fairly well. He would get winded once in a while and I think somewhere deep in both of our minds and hearts the fear had already started.

We made plans but had no idea if they would ever come to be reality. We knew that we still loved eachother more than anyone else ever but had no idea if our dreams of a life together would ever stand a chance.

It was just a year later when we were dealing with the anxiety attacks every day. Trying to find help that always seemed so elusive. His illness put a strain on both of us and at times I know our relationship suffered for it, but no matter how bad things got we never forgot the love we had or how much we had missed. All that mattered was that we were together. As long as we had each other we could fight anything, even cancer. We just didn't know that we had more than the disease to fight and that was a fight that we couldn't win. The fight against that attitude that writes a person off so easily.

Not long after his death I tried to go to town for a while. I stopped at that same resturant that we had gone to that first night. I sat there and saw the table where we had sat holding hands and talking. I looked across the steet and saw the motel where we had loved for the first time in so very long. I couldn't chew the food. I thought I was going to die right there and I wanted to. I wanted to go back to that first night. I wanted to hear him say my hair was red. I wanted to see that look in his eyes as I turned to hm. I just wanted to hold him again. Oh God how it hurt and how quickly I ran home to be in the home we had shared. Alone with my memories and my tears.

So tonight as I sit here I see both of those Novemebers. The first so full of love and laughter and hope. The second so full of fear and anxiety and frustration and later that January day sitting alone in a resturant wanting nothing more than to go with my Johnny and knowing that I couldn't.

Most days I do well. I try so hard to be up beat and to make things happen. I even tell myself that I may be able to love again, but in my heart I know that I will always long to go back to that night eight years ago when we knew all of the love that two hearts could hold

[Ann]

So beautiful, Lil. I truly know where you're coming from and I think I feel enough pain for the both of us right now!!!!

[lilyjohn]

There is an old country song that keeps going through my mind..

The Gods were angry with me for loving you

The Gods were angry with me because they knew

I stood at Heaven's portal and that was too high

For any mortal such as I

So they took down the sun the skies were grey

Then the howling winds took you away

And there was nothing I could do because I knew

The Gods were angry with me for loving you

This is so how I feel.

[michellep]

"Ann"]So beautiful, Lil. I truly know where you're coming from and I think I feel enough pain for the both of us right now!!!!

You can add me to that list as well.