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Michelle's going crazy here ;(


michellep

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It's been 29 days since Don went to be with the Lord and I just don't know whats up or down right now. I have moments when I analyze my situation and think that all is going to be okay and then suddenly everything just falls apart and the terror takes hold of me. I'm on medication and it doesn't seem to do anything. My doctor wants me to see a shrink but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone because I "know it's just going to be yet another PILL". Why is it that doctors always think a "pill" is going to take care of everything?

I'm just so depressed that all I want to do is sit in front of the computer and play games, but just how long can I do that? As soon as I walk away from the computer and look at something it all starts again. I need to find a job soon because of finances (his ex got most of it....including some of mine, but that's another story) but if I can't even go to the market without having a break down or seeing something silly like apples (my husband loved them) then what now?

People will call and I can't bring myself to answer the phone. I have a neighbor who invited me over for dinner and I can't go....I just can't.

I'm exposing myself and what I'm going through here in hopes that someone can offer advice. I know there are many here who have dealt with this as well...or at least I hope so because I feel like I'm going crazy.

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(((Michelle))) let me reassure you. You are not going crazy -- you're grieving. It feels crazy, I know. But it's normal.

That said, I encourage you to make that call. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much it helps. And if the doc just wants to write you a prescription, tell him you're not interested in medication. If you're not comfortable with that one, seek a different counselor.

I am seeing a Christian counselor. I didn't start until 9 months after Larry passed away. If I had known how beneficial it would be, I would have started a lot sooner.

You also might want to talk to our Judy. She used to be a counselor, so I'm sure she can give you some excellent guidance on the different types of counseling available.

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I wouldn't be so quick to judge "shrinks".... I see a counselor and she doesn't even have authority to prescribe anything but she has been the best thing for me. It sounds hokey but sometimes it really is better just to have someone to talk to, to let you know what you are going through is normal. My counselor has been an angel to me. Find one that is right for you.

And, be easy on yourself. Like you said, its only been 29 days....

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Michelle, I wish I had words that would ease your pain. When I was 15 my youngest sister who was 6 was run over and killed in the street in front of our house. She was the youngest of eight of us kids and she was the center of attention around the house.When that happened so unexspectantly i went into a state of shock. I wasnt emotionally ready to deal with something like her loss. I really dont know how my folks dealt with it. But I remember even back then the only thing that seemed to help me was the beleive that we would meet again. I have lost my parents and many friends since that day but something about her death can still bring the tears. And now as then, I truly believe that death is not the final curtain. I truly believe we will be together again. And again it brings me comfort. God Bless You!

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Michelle,

Grief isn't something you can get around, you have to get through it. I suggest you find either a counselor or a shrink. The initial call is hard, but it is surmountable. If the first person you see isn't a fit, yet you feel you need someone to talk to for coping skills, find someone else. I saw three counselors before I found one I liked a few years back. I started looking for someone to talk to about dealing with my "death sentence" and wrapping my brain around mortality...

Anyhow, every day is a choice. You decide if you are even going to get out of bed and pull the curtains open... You may not be able to be happy right now, but you need to make yourself get up and work through all those firsts, like getting through the produce section without crying at the sight of an apple.

Baby steps, first the grocery store, then the holidays...

Breathe, Michelle, don't forget to breathe. If it's rough focusing on the future, focus on the very near future, your next breath, your next meal - whatever it takes to make it through the day.

Be kind to yourself,

Becky

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All of those simple things are the hardest to deal with at first. The everyday little things. In time those will get easier but you have to find some way to handle those things and with the holidays looming so soon it won't be easy. A therapist or someone may be the right call.

It is a time for bad days right now for a lot of us. Sometimes it is easeir when you know others are having the same problem. Just keep talking and don't let it get bottled up. In the mean time you know how to reach me if you want to talk with me. Take care.

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Michelle,

More than six months ago, I was reconnected with a childhood friend who, in the interim, lost her husband through cancer - not lung cancer.

She has been grieving severely for all these months.

She has told me that she has cried in private, out in public, and has had so much pain. She has been visiting his grave weekly.

She and I have been writing every day during all this time, and just recently, I see that she is improving in her advancement in her grief. Finally, I see signs that she is taking care of her own health.

It is a hard road, Michele, and my tears over Bill (who is not gone) are as though he has left me. My heart feels the pain. He is alive and my hope is that he will remain so. The reality is that we will be saying goodbye one of these days.

My friend loved her husband so very much. We know that as we both feel the same. You know this, as well.

She has had a grief counselor who visits often and helps her. Still, she is devastated.

Since I knew her when she was a teen back in the late forties and early fifties, and now we have reconnected both in our 70's, it is not without much agony that we try to help each other. We grasp at any anchor we can. Our collective memories about our having found our soul mates helps, but still....

It's a rough road, Michele. We will get through this. Love cannot leave us without a comfort. It's just that we haven't grabbed onto it as yet - just too many tears blurring our vision.

Love never ends. It is painful to lose our loved ones. Of that, there is not a doubt.

I know that we will all reconnect in another place. That is my belief, but to each his own. I have had miracles occur during Bill's and my journey, and I am still receiving insights that keep me surrounded in comfort.

I thank God for that. I send my prayers, such as they are, to you, dear Michele. Please know that asking for help is no weakness. It simply means that we all need someone to lend a helping hand.

Barbara

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Coming out of my hall pass for a moment. Michelle, it is the process of grieving... it will get better as time go by.. there are stages of grief. I wish I could just physically hug you and offer you comfort but accept this huge cyber hug from me. I agree with the others about seeking out counselling to help you cope...Take care my friend

Love Marisa

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If the first person you see isn't a fit, yet you feel you need someone to talk to for coping skills, find someone else. I saw three counselors before I found one I liked a few years back.

Michelle, ts's has said it in a nutshell. The most important thing is the fit. I was always amazed that people would sometimes come to see me with embarassment or shame. They felt that it was weak or silly to be seeking "help" with whatever their issue(s) was. I did therapy myself for eighteen months before I decided to complete my degrees in that field. I kniw when I started doing it that it was my job to make them feel comfortable even sharing difficult things with me. It's not weak or silly to seek out help. Then there are grief groups where there is no formal leader. They have the advantage of letting you interact with people who have experienced what you are going through. But with groups, it's the same thing: You need to hang in a few meetings but if the fit isn't right, move on.

You can't escape the reality of your loss. You can learn coping skills to deal with your grief and help in moving through, not avoiding, the process.

Take care dear lady.

Judy in Key West

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Michelle,

I'm usually not an advice person. But you asked. And I am incredibly understanding about grief and the need for time etc...but I am going to tell you what I think you are looking to hear.

You CAN pick the phone up and you CAN go to dinner. It may be unpleasant...it may actually be pleasant. But you can.

You can see a cousellor...maybe it is anotheer pill...but maybe it will turn out to be something more than that...you don't know.

You have been through the worst...and so I think you are currently expecting the worst. I get it...but what is the worst thing that happens?

There were things I couldn't imagine DOING when I lost mom...but I did them. Folks here may remember, how could I do Thanksgiving without my mom? Well I did it...tears a plenty...but I did.

Christmas...ugh, that was bruttal...but I pushed through it to proved I could.

And how many times did I type here that I didn't know how I would be a parent without my mom around...but I did that too. Not because I am strong ... but because what else was I going to do?

Michelle, what else are you gonna do? Take the call...make an appt...go to the store...the apples won't judge you...you CAN do it.

And the beautiful thing Michelle, maybe the experiencce of doing won't be pleasant...but you'll know we'll listen...and we'll understand.

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The hardest part for me was being at home. I would be fine when I went out of the house and I accepted almost every invitation I was offered. It was hard to be where John wasn't and that was at home. I think I played a game in my mind when I was out of the house that he was at home. It was always hard to go home and not have him there. So accept the invitations and get out.

Don't make the mistake I did. I also avoided counseling because I thought I could deal with things and it was a sign of weakness. It was a mistake and if I had it to do all over again I would have started earlier. It wasn't until I had a real wake up call with my older daughter that I knew we needed some help. Don't think of it as seeing a shrink-- ask for a grief counselor-- someone with experience getting people through loss.

Whatever you do - get out of the house.

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Don't make the mistake I did. I also avoided counseling because I thought I could deal with things and it was a sign of weakness. It was a mistake and if I had it to do all over again I would have started earlier. It wasn't until I had a real wake up call with my older daughter that I knew we needed some help. Don't think of it as seeing a shrink-- ask for a grief counselor-- someone with experience getting people through loss.

I can really relate to this theory of feeling able to "handle" my grief and not need anyone- because that was just a sign of weakness or loss of control....

It took 3 years after I lost my dad before I got to a psychologist who specialized in grief counselling. Phychologist don't prescribe medication. We worked thru everything step by step. I learned coping skills and when I thought I couldn't or didn't have anyone to talk to or who would understand- he did.

I went for 7 months and I wish I would have done it sooner.

Some people have friends or family they can lean on who understand and can help them thru.

I have no close family. My work is online, by friends are out of state so they are "virtual" as well...my husband is absent with work and really hasn't been thru anything to be able to really relate...so I felt completely abandoned and alone after losing both my parents.

Find a grief group with lots of spouses who can truely understand your loss, or find a counsellor that you can talk to--it really can help.

The worst thing that can happen is nothing. the best thing...progress.

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