My mom has passed

[tjrasMOM]

I used to read posts of other daughters, sons, sisters, brother, husbands and wives whose loved one has passed away. They would explain the last moments and I would sit here weeping for them. I could not imagine what they had just been through....I believed my mom would defy the odds. She would live 5-8 years after they thought she had reached their prognosis. But as everyone has said before me, it just happened so fast. In hindsight it just seems like she declined so rapidly. My beautiful, courageous, funny, smiling mom passed away this past Saturday, November 28, 2009.

I will copy and paste (an edited version) of what I recently wrote in her Carepage...

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Hospice explained Friday morning that because Mom was no longer swallowing, that we might only have a week left. I let the family know immediately. Even though people had just made long drives home after Thanksgiving, they all said they'd be heading back first thing Sat. morning. Friday evening I decided to bring my daughters over to visit with their “Nona” and say their proper goodbyes. I saw that Mom’s breathing was changing and that she was starting to cough more. I felt that it was best they’d say goodbye now and have their last memories of her while she still looked at peace.

The three of us went in and stood by Mom’s bed holding her hand and rubbing her arm. My daughters asked me to speak for them. I told her that we were all here and how much we love her. How special she is to all of us…. and how much we will miss her down to our souls…We know that she has to leave, that she has fought for so long, but that she has to go soon…. Sydni and Tylar could not have had a better Grandma. We thanked her for everything she has ever done for us…. for being in our lives, for going to Jamaica with us and showing her grandchildren the special place her grandfather was born, for teaching art in their school, for always making them smile and laugh and playing with them anytime she was with them….

I told her that I couldn’t have asked for a better Grandma for my children. When she came over it was like Disneyland was coming to our house. And that these girls think the world of her. We will honor her forever in our daily lives…. we will think of all the things she did for us and with us. We will love her with all of our hearts forever. And we will miss her…..we will miss her every minute of every day. That it is breaking our hearts that she can’t be here forever…. but that I will be strong for her…I will be strong for these 2 little girls. I will care for them the way she and I did together most of the time. We told her how much we loved her and we knew that this was not the way she wanted to continue living. Both girls were weeping silently beside me. We all told her we loved her, kissed her and said goodnight.

I had been basically living at Mom's and my grandpa's house for the past 10 days. For some reason I could NOT go home even though I lived 5 blocks away. This was the only night I hadn't slept in the bed beside her. Instead my mom's sister said she's sleep with her so I could sleep with my girls in the living room. At 5:25am my aunt came in and asked if I could help her. She said that Mom had been restless and her fever had gone up. My aunt had been up since 1:30am trying to make Mom comfortable. She had given her morphine twice, had given her a sponge bath and given her some baby Tylenol to bring down the fever and still Mom was moaning a bit. When I walked in the first thing I noticed was her breathing. It was faster and labored. My aunt said this had just started. I remembered with my Grandma when the feet start to darken, it's a sign that the body’s circulation is stopping. When I pulled back Mom’s covers, I saw that the circulation had stopped in both her legs. My heart started to pound in my chest…. she was dying… and I realized we only had hours….

My aunt woke Grandpa and my cousin (who had also spent the night) and the four of us brought in chairs and settled in next to Mom’s bed, rubbing her arms and legs, telling her how much we loved her while weeping quietly. We called my husband, my mom's other sister and her 2 other nieces. All but one arrived within 20 minutes.

Seven of us sat there with Mom…our hearts twisting with pain and sorrow, each of us with tight chests and tears flowing freely. Each of us had our hands over Mom, gently rubbing her skin and loving her with our touch. Grandpa was bent over her, his face on the bed, sobbing into Mom’s blankets.

As I looked at each of them, I realized that each loved one in this room was feeling Mom being ripped from their hearts in a different way…Grandpa was losing a daughter and watching a 3rd child make this transition, my aunts were watching another sibling and best friend leave this world. …My cousins were losing their aunt whom they loved like another mom. My husband was losing a woman who had been his mom for so many years. We started to whisper stories of Mom…moments we treasured with her, unique traits about her that we would miss. My aunts started to talk about songs they had sung as children. And just as automatic as our tears, they started to sing. Harmonizing songs they sang as children. I have no words that can describe the sound of their voices…. their voices were cracking through the tears but strong with their once familiar harmonies. It was as if angels were in the room with us, helping Mom make her transition…providing her with familiar sounds as she parted.

It is not easy to watch someone leave this earth. It is not easy to watch the discomfort of that last hour of labored breathing. You so desperately want her to be at peace…. but are so scared to let her go. There is a sense of panic as you watch each breath escape the spirit’s temple. Her breathing began to quiet and then became shallow. I had one arm over her heart and the other holding her hand. As she took her last breath, my body burned and ached and my helpless and tortured soul suffered. My heart wrenching sobs became muffled screams into the blankets as I buried my face into the once occupied body that was my mother. She was gone. My best friend, my confidant, my warrior queen, my mom….was gone.

As the sun came up and the morning continued, we called family and friends. People came and details were handled. My cousin took over and handled the arrangements for me. I am forever grateful for the way in which she took over that aspect of the day. Family cooked breakfast for the kids; people told stories of Mom…laughter, tears, stories, sorrow, and grief…filtered through the walls of the house....

Our Reverend came and brought the family in the room to say a prayer over Mom. He said that, “although her spirit will be with us forever, we will miss her in her skin.” How badly I want her back in her skin, with me, with us. I want her back, I want her here. I want one more minute with her, one more hug, one more “I love you babe”. I want to see her smile and hear her laugh. I even want to see her throw her hands up in annoyance at me or someone else. I want to watch her tear her purse apart looking for her keys for the um-teenth time. I want to see what jewelry she’s going wear with this or that hat, I want her to call me, I want to hear her laugh at all my jokes…even the ones that aren’t funny, but that make her giggle with me. But most of all, I want to ask her what I’m supposed to do now. How am I supposed to handle this? We never talked about this part. She never told me what she hoped I would do or how she hoped I would handle my grief. She hated seeing me in pain…she was always running to be my side to comfort me. But why didn’t she prepare me for this pain? I don’t know why we never talked about this. I need her motherly love right now the most. I need her to hug me…. I need her comfort now more than ever....

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[RandyW]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers and condolences to you and the entire family. I am glad that things were at least peaceful and that Mom was surrounded by the ones she loved. Thank you for sharing this immensely personal story.

[Barb73]

Thank you for sharing your grief with us. I know it has touched me deeply. Please accept my condolences.

There were spontaneous tears while reading of your memories. Your Mom's very beautiful end-of-life story is a testament to love.

Having so many loved ones around you and your Mom had to have given all of you a great comfort.

Barbara

[jaminkw]

Your post released tears I've been holding these past few months as we've lost dear LCSC friends. Your mother, through your posts, was one of them. It was your words that finally let me get in touch with the pain of all this loss. Thank for for sharing. A more beautiful passing I can't possibly image. Condolences to you and your family. Take care of yourself and those precious girls.

Judy in Key West

[ChristinaMarie]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[fillise]

I am so sorry you have lost your brave, beautiful mother. I am so thankful that you were with her and she was surrounded by love as she made her transition from this life to the next.

My heart is breaking for you today.

Susan

[Treebywater]

I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry. I hurt for you.

[Bud Baker]

So sorry to read this. Condolences to you and your family.

[recce101]

Tova, I don't think I've ever read anything so moving, so beautiful. One thing I know for sure — your girls will be FINE. My deepest condolences and Aloha,

Ned

[Kasey]

Oh Tova..........my heart just breaks for you. Your post just shows the depth of love and devotion you feel toward your dear mother. It truly shows you a young woman of great integrity and compassion as well. You have so many wonderful memories of your mother - some of which you have shared with us here. I hope they can bring you some comfort as you travel this new leg of the journey we all know here as LC. All of us here are with you in spirit and wish we could be there in person to offer you the support you need. I am so sorry.

Kasey

[dianew]

I am sorrier than words can say that you lost your mother -- but how lucky she was!

Diane

[Larry's Wife]

(((Tova))) I, too, was moved to tears. What a beautiful testimony. May God wrap His loving arms around you and your entire family.

Lynn

[barbvh]

My prayers are with you and your family.

[lilyjohn]

Tova your words are an testamony to the strength of love. Your mom was very coragous but so are you and your family. I hope that the good memories will help erase the painful ones. I know how much you miss her but she will always be a part of you. It seems we lose so many in those early hours of morning.I pray that you find some peace soon.

[Calintay]

I am sorry to read about your loss. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Heidi

[Janet B]

Your words are beautiful and show the great love you had for your mom. I lost my mom to cancer and your words brought tears to my eyes because they could have been written by me 15 years ago. I understand the pain - I promise that some day you will be able to think of your mom with smiles instead of tears. You will see her in the eyes of family, you will notice her in the beauty of the world, you will feel her hugs in the quiet times. And, you will become like her in so many ways it will make you laugh. You have helped me so much - like your mom I haven't talked to my children about what happens after I am gone - moms don't want to do anything or say anything to bring sadness or pain to their children, so I have put it off, I put off any cancer talk - waiting until it is absolutely necessary, but now I will talk to them - get it out now while there is still time. I wish you peace and comfort. I wish you strength - God bless you

Janet

[Ann]

Tova, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you so very much for sharing this wonderful story with all of us. While reading your words, I kept having flashbacks of losing my mother in 1984. Like you, I was an only child and the minute I lost my mother, I knew I had lost my very best friend. There is nothing like the unconditional love that a mother has for her child and that love is something that can never be replaced. When the time comes for me to leave this earth, I can only hope and pray for such a peaceful passing with my family gathered at my side.

[Patti B]

(((((Tova)))))

I am so terribly sorry to hear about your mom. I too cried my eyes out when I read your post - such a wonderful loving relationship you had with her. I am sure she is smiling down on you.

Hugs - Patti B.

[fighting4mom]

Dear Tova, I am so very, very sorry to read this news. I send you gentle hugs and prayers for strength. Please take good care of yourself as you move forward. May the pain lessen. May your heart heal. May sweet memories surround and comfort you.

Blessings to you, Kimbelry

[Nick C]

I have felt your words in the past...I'm feeling them with you today. I am so sorry.

Your mom did an amazing job equipping you to handle this in such a brave and together way.

We will be here. We know.

[Marci]

Your post touched my heart so deep...I too know unfortunately the pain and sorrow you are going through. I too held my mom's hand at the end I was just so grateful for that. You are lucky you got to be with your Mom to get her where needed to go for peace. I cried throughout your post. You really articulated how we all feel about our WONDERFUL MOMS!

Thank You for That-

Marci

[lc46]

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