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My first time was today


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Well- it happened. I reached for the phone to call her today without thinking first. Actually started to dial the number for the last place she was before my beautiful mother passed. When I realized that she wouldn't be on the other end, I was stunned. Didn't know if I should laugh at myself or cry b/c of my sudden feeling of loss.

I've cried every night-realizing full well that the worst hasn't hit me yet. I have so many things to do right now, I guess I just can't let it. Too many things that I would just take for granted that she would help me with.

What to do now? Who to turn to? I haven't figured that out yet.

Her home is still as it was when she left it for the last time on Oct. 8th. Haven't really touched anything. Her car still sits in the garage, waiting for her to drive it, and everytime I am there, I seem to expect her to walk out of the bathroom, or the kitchen. And even tho' her memorial service was Friday, I still expect to come there and see her. My kids and I talk about a different favorite memory of their "Omi" everyday, how they remember her making lunch for them, or when she woke them up for school, and so on. She still took care of them almost everyday up until October 4th. She was so incredible. So selfless. I still go there, collect her mail, water her plants and everything I would do as if she was on vacation. Guess I just can't accept that she won't be coming back.

I walked into her place the other day, and I was absolutely assailed by her scent. It was the first time since she entered the hospital 2 months ago, that I almost "sensed" her presence there. It was so strong, I had to sit down and just take it in. I miss her so much.

How do you grieve for someone who is so important to you, was such an integral part of your everyday life-and your children's-without falling apart? I am really trying to hold it together....take care of things....be strong....but when I went to make that phone call this morning-I realized I won't be able to hold it together all the time....

My heart is breaking :(

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