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My first time was today


kim81sky

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Hello-

Well- it happened. I reached for the phone to call her today without thinking first. Actually started to dial the number for the last place she was before my beautiful mother passed. When I realized that she wouldn't be on the other end, I was stunned. Didn't know if I should laugh at myself or cry b/c of my sudden feeling of loss.

I've cried every night-realizing full well that the worst hasn't hit me yet. I have so many things to do right now, I guess I just can't let it. Too many things that I would just take for granted that she would help me with.

What to do now? Who to turn to? I haven't figured that out yet.

Her home is still as it was when she left it for the last time on Oct. 8th. Haven't really touched anything. Her car still sits in the garage, waiting for her to drive it, and everytime I am there, I seem to expect her to walk out of the bathroom, or the kitchen. And even tho' her memorial service was Friday, I still expect to come there and see her. My kids and I talk about a different favorite memory of their "Omi" everyday, how they remember her making lunch for them, or when she woke them up for school, and so on. She still took care of them almost everyday up until October 4th. She was so incredible. So selfless. I still go there, collect her mail, water her plants and everything I would do as if she was on vacation. Guess I just can't accept that she won't be coming back.

I walked into her place the other day, and I was absolutely assailed by her scent. It was the first time since she entered the hospital 2 months ago, that I almost "sensed" her presence there. It was so strong, I had to sit down and just take it in. I miss her so much.

How do you grieve for someone who is so important to you, was such an integral part of your everyday life-and your children's-without falling apart? I am really trying to hold it together....take care of things....be strong....but when I went to make that phone call this morning-I realized I won't be able to hold it together all the time....

My heart is breaking :(

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How do you grieve for someone who is so important to you, was such an integral part of your everyday life-and your children's-without falling apart? I am really trying to hold it together....take care of things....be strong....but when I went to make that phone call this morning-I realized I won't be able to hold it together all the time....

I could have written these exact words. I have been there and am walking this path now and my heart breaks for you.

It will be harder before it gets any better. That's the ugly truth. BUt there are ways to ease the pain. Surrounding yourself by people who understand, love and support you. DIrecting your energies to other things so that you don't have a lot of time to lose yourself in your grief. Grief counseling may help too when you're ready for that- that helped me learn coping skills to live a life without my parents in it.

It's been 2 years now since I lost my mom and there are days that I feel good, days that I feel like I'm just going thru the motions and days that I feel downright lost and rotten.

The good days far outweigh the bad ones for me now. I throw myself into my work, my kids, activities...but times like this- the holidays, birthdays, special days...are when I miss her (and my dad) the most. They were intwined in my everyday life, a part of every aspect of it- lived only a mile from me...my best friends and biggest supporters.

You learn to be stronger, more independant and depend on yourself. You learn to reach out and lean on others, make new circles of friends and do new things- it's all scary at first.

It sucks. But you'll do it. And just imagine how proud she will be of the woman you will become.

Take it a tear, a moment, a day at a time.

Lean on those who understand.

This isn't something you can get over...you just get thru it.

(((Hugs))) I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

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