Mom is depressed

[TamD]

Hi everyone. I just needed to come here and release my feelings. My Mom has lc with mets to the brain, she has been through radiation and is now going through chemo. My complaint today is unfortunatly my Dad. I love him with all my heart, but I am so mad at him. To make a long story short, he is not the most affectionate person. My Mom has always been the one to show that. My Dad has had an easy life with my Mom, she has always done everything and my Dad just does what ever he wants while Mom takes care of everything. Now that she is unable to do anything he has to do it all. He has did a pretty good job, but he does it with a hard heart, I believe. I talked to my Mom today and she said he has been grumpy today and it just makes her feel even more helpless. She is having a reaction to the chemo and has to make frequent trips to the bathroom. So that is causing added stress. I would love to tell my Dad to just stop acting like a child and help your wife. She has your life, now do it for her. But I won't because it will just cause added tension in the house. I wish he could sit back and tell himself to just enjoy the time he has with her. Stop acting like everything is such a chore. The last thing my Mom needs is to get more depressed because of how my Dad acts. I just needed to get this out. I don't know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent. Happy New Year to all!!

Tammy

[niececola]

Hi Tammy,

My Dad had some trouble adjusting after my mom was diagnosed. Unfortunately, each family has their own dynamics and they will always be there, wouldn't it make things so much easier if we all became perfect and did everything right after living through a cancer diagnosis? But, it is hard to let go of old habits, try not to be too upset with your Dad. My Dad has changed a lot since this all started and it really has bought us much closer together. Never thought I would attribute anything good to a lung cancer diagnosis!

I never had a very deep conversation with my Dad, but I did point out to him how things are different now and how important it is to work together. Maybe you can find a moment or two when your mom is not around to talk? I have not always handled things in the most mature fashion though, on a couple of occasions the frustration came out and I have said things I later regretted, so I think it is important to find a way to share your feelings with your Dad. Hope this helps.

I see you live in New York. Are you near NYC?

Denise

[Donna G]

Your Dad is probably having a rough time coping with your Moms illness. If she does everything he really is wondering in new territory also. When I got sick I could not believe my husband who is an inteligent man was having a rough time trying to figure out how the washer and dryer worked! More stress for him. The stress of not knowing if you will have your partner for very long. The stress of not knowing if all the plans and dreams you had together can ever be had back. If he is like most men, he can't express all those fears, and losses and grief that he is going through. Donna G

[Don Wood]

Tam, this is not to excuse your dad's bad behavior but just to put it in perspective. Your dad, as you said, was used to doing pretty much what he wanted to do and left everything else to your mom. Now, as well as facing the death of his life companion, he has to run a three-ring circus -- do his things, to her things and take care of her -- all at once. It becomes overwhelming. I have had screaming fits just to release the tension. In addition, I think males are poor in coping with illness and giving compassion and love. It is a lot for your dad to learn all at once. Try to be supportive of both of them, and refrain from anything that would make the situation worjse. This is a hard road for all of us to travel. Find someone you can vent with on a regular basis, and, of course, please do come here and vent, share, ask questions. That is why we are here -- to support each other with caring and understanding. Best to you. Don

[DeanCarl]

Tammy,

I would bet a TON of money that what your Dad is dealing with is fear. And I don't mean a little anxiety here and there. I mean the kind of fear that can grab a persons heart and make it feel like it's being ripped right out of your body. As Don said, his life's partner is sick. Very sick. That has to be terriffieng (sp?) for anybody.

And if it is fear he's dealing with there's a problem. Men, unfortunately, have been taught for so long that fear equals weakness and we should NEVER show we are afraid. Stuff it in, hold it down ... whatever. But NEVER show it.

But there's something about emotions, espcially strong ones. The HAVE to be expressed somehow. If I refuse to acknowlage one type of emotion it WILL come out disguised as another. Every time I get angry the first question I need to ask my self is, "am I afraid of anything right now?". Often the answer is "yes".

I don't know your Dad so I don't have any real advice on how to handle the situation, but here's one suggestion. YOU can acknowledge his fears for him. With love and compassion you might say something like, "Dad, I know this is hard for all of us, and I know you're afraid of what is happening and what might happen and so am I. You don't have to tell me, I know it's there. And it's OK to be scared right now. We'll be scared together and we'll get through this somehow".

I know when things are brought to me in this manner it's worked in the past.

Like I said, I don't know your family dynamics and I'm not a psychologist. This is just something that's worked for me.

I hope that the situation works itself out and that your Mom's treatment is a HUGE success.

Dean

[dadstimeon]

Hi Tammy,

Sorry to hear about your mom. It is very understandable how you feel. It is hard on all (patient and caregivers) of you. Perhaps when you mother feels well you might want to ask her what she would like and what really needs to be done to help her with her health and well being and how she feels. Then sit down and talk to your father during a quite moment. Ask your father how he really feels (tell your father how you really feel) under these extreme circumstances and that it is important to get things out in the open. What can the both of you do together to help your mom. How can we make it less stressful for everyone involved? By your post your mother sounds like a wonderful human being who gave her all to your father. Yes, it is now time for father to give back. It’s not going to happen over night. He’s not going to be able to do everything your mother did. It’s not going to be easy for him or you. His resentments can be any number of things? Is there anyone else in the family/or can you hire someone to help out? They do have support groups for both lung cancer patients and caregivers. It always helps to talk face to face with people who are/or have gone thru this. Unfortunately there is no lung cancer 101 for any of us. It’s one step at a time, one situation at a time and one day at a time. Stay positive and focused. Stay with the board. Everyone has great information and support to offer. My prayers are with all of you. Peace, take care and God Bless.

Rich

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[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

Tammy,

I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened in my family when my step-dad was physically unable to continue doing 100% of the housework, my mother made him feel like a burden - complaining that she couldn't do any of the chores either. My sister & I did lots of the little things like washing dishes, vaccuming, etc. My sister & I were quite upset by the whole thing, but, like you, we didn't want to confront our mother in any way that would make Steve feel worse or stressed. Steve's brother was looking to spend more time with him, so he ended up coming over & help out around the house while he & Steve chatted the whole time the chore was being done.

I'm not sure if that is something that would work for your family, but I hope it helps just to know your family isn't the only one reacting this way.

Take care

[TamD]

Thank you so much for your input. There are days that you just need to release your feelings and get it out. Today is a better day and some times you need to put yesterday behind you. I think my Dad had time to think about how he was acting because today my Mom said he was better. I do not know what he is going through, I know how I feel and I am sure it is so much worse, but I just can't help to think that our feelings need to be surpressed around my Mom. She needs possitive energy not negative. I guess we will all have our bad days, I just hope they only last a short time. Thanks again for being here. Sometimes you guys are the only ones that I can talk too.

Tammy