Here I am again ;(

[michellep]

I don't know half the time whether I'm coming or going these past weeks. I can wake up in the morning feeling okay and then suddenly out of nowhere comes the pain and endless tears. I can't control it....they just keep flowing. I'm currently on about 4-5 meds daily for depression and panic attacks but I don't know if they really do anything. Perhaps I would be much worse without them, which is hard to imagine.

My religious belief is that if a person commits suicide it's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of the lord and that you will never be able to be joined with your loved ones....ever. And it's this belief that keeps me going each and every day. But, I feel like I have no purpose in life now, so why doesn't he just come and take me? I pray to him for that each and every day. I suppose only he knows the answer as to why I must stay and endure this endless pain. Maybe I did something in my life at some point where the lord believes I need to suffer.....endlessly.

I don't know...........I just don't know

[carolhg]

Michelle I am so very sorry that you have to go through such painful grief. I think during this holiday time the grief is even more profound. Please know that you are in my prayers and that as you go throgh this grief that soon your sadness will begin to experience the many heartfelt and precious memories that you shared. I think it hurts so bad because you loved so much. I think that same love goes through the grief that it must endure will soon become very loving beautiful precious memories.

Carol

[michellep]

So many times I've heard of people just dying from a broken heart...I feel like mine is shattered right now. I'm so ashamed and sorry for sharing such sadness at a time when others are celebrating......happy....enjoying their families and here I sit alone with such grief. I apologize....I shouldn't have posted in the first place. I need to find a way to keep my pain to myself.

But thank you for such a kind reply.

[lilyjohn]

Dear Michelle I'm sorry that I have not been here for you the past few days. I know only too well how hard it is especially during the holidays. I can remember feeling and thinking the same things as you are. I even asked what is the purpose of anything if there would not be a future life to share with my Johnny.

The truth is there are no simple answers. We have shared a lot and you know that I had to deal with the panic and anxiety attacks that Johnny had, I know too that you dealt with them too so maybe your attacks are a way of experiencing some of what Don did. I know I have felt many times like some of the things that have happened to me was to show me how bad it was for him. I felt like I was going through all that he did. It is very scary.

I really do question them giving you so many medications at one time. Are you sure that you are not supposed to stop one before you start the other? It is possible that the medication is causing more problems , not easing them. You really need to start questioning your doctors. Write down questions and the answers. I fear for you my friend. Grief is a terrible thing to go through but you will get through it maybe battered and bruised but still alive and waiting to meet Don again someday. Please my friend be careful.

The holidays are terrible I know. Ann and I both suffered our loss just before Christmas. The was no joy for us either and a lot of pain. We still made it through and you will too. You are so lucky to have your son with you. I was all alone and felt so much of what you are feeling but I made it. It wasn't easy and at times it still isn't. There is no alternative that is acceptable if you want to see Don again in the next life. So my friend cry kick and scream. Write him letters and write God letters. Tell them both how unfair it is that you are alone blame them and curse them because they know that you need that. You can not stop the grief and the more you try the longer it will be out of control and the harder it will be for you.

Let the anger out Michelle and let the frustration out. A lot of what you are feeling is frustration because he is gone and there was NOTHING you could do to save him.

I was told to buy an old doll at a used merchandise store and beat the crap out of it. That advice came before Johnny died but it worked after. I didn't exactly get the doll but I found other ways to take out my anger and frustration. Then afterwards I started feeling the love. If you think it happens over night you need to read some of the old posts of mine and many others. You will see that you are not alone.

Please be careful with all of those meds. I will be praying for you my dear friend. I did get my cell phone updated too so I can get and send calls. It was not working hardly at all when I got here. Call me if it gets too bad just remember it is 2 hours later here and they all go to bed around 10pm.

Take care and keep in touch.

[michellep]

"lilyjohn"]

Let the anger out Michelle and let the frustration out. A lot of what you are feeling is frustration because he is gone and there was NOTHING you could do to save him..

THIS my friend is the biggest problem I have...........GUILT! I feel like there must have been something....anything I could have done to not just keep him with us longer but to especially lessen his pain. I feel like he suffered so much because he "trusted me to make the right decisions on treatment". I feel like it was my fault he suffered so much. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. Maybe this is God's way of punishing me.

[Nick C]

Wow Michelle, a lot going on here.

Michelle, you bring up your belief in God. Why does God permit suffering? I don't know for sure, but I read The Purpose Driven Life, and the author says the purpose suffering serves is that the suffering let's us know Jesus (as He suffered, we can associate with Him in our suffering)and suffering leads us closer to God.

When I have been in my darkest hours, I have turned to God...interesting that even suffering serves its purpose. It isn't a punishment. It is part of our experience as humans on this earth...but none of that makes it suck any less.

Regarding guilt. Michelle, cancer is a no win situation. Even if someone is cured, it takes its toll. You don't "win" you survive. You could have done 1,000,000 DIFFERENT things, but they may not have been better, they may not have been worse. But did you do everything you did out of LOVE? Then you did 100% the right things.

Michelle, I know you have done a grief counselling meeting. Any chance you can also do a 1 on 1 counselling too?

BTW, to this day I wish I had been more of a force in the ER my mom's final 24 hours. They were a bit of a mess and didn't do everything they could have...I could have been forceful, but wasn't. But I have to let it go. I acted in the situation as best I could at the time knowing what I knew. Guilt will do nothing for me now. It will do nothing for you either.

[RandyW]

Michelle the worst thing you can do is keep the guilt bottled up inside! Get it out any means necessary!!!! Only God can decide who stays and who goes and when he needs us he gets us!!

[Reynsie48]

Hi Michelle,

I don't know if there is anything I can say to help you during this horrible time but I thought I would pass on the way my husband looks at things and truly believes. He handles the fact that cancer invaded our lives much better than I do or ever will.

Ron is not a partiularly religeous man but he is a Good man and a good person. He believes that there is a master book somewhere (so to speak) and that everyone's name is on a page of that book pretty much the day you are born.

If the page comes open that holds your name, then there is absolutely nothing on this earth that either you or anyone else can do to stop that from happening, it is going to happen.

If however the page with your name on it has yet to be opened, then it is not your time and you could literally walk in front of a bus and you will survive it.

My sister Winn, seemed like a zombie the first 2 to 3 years after Frank's passing from Bowel and bone cancer, and she tortured herself with doubts and what ifs. His was neither a gentle nor a welcomed death, he did not want to die and she wanted him comfortable. There was much more than that, but I think that is what she found the hardest to deal with.

Anyway, as I said in an earlier post, Win remarried in 2007, (Frank passed in 2000) and she married a very devoted family man who had lost his wife to cancer as well.

All though we all love Win who was as much a mother to us as an older sister, we were all very surprised at this turn of events but so very happy for her and her new husband both. In the back of my mind, I think my goodness another tradgedy waiting to happen, I am not sure I could do this but I guess what I am getting at is........these two people shared horrible grief and were able to after time rise above it and find happiness again and grab for that happiness even if it means that they may go through this hurt all over again.

It is still so very very early and I can't even imagine how you feel right now, but I know I have watched people I love very much go through similar circumstances and it is possible, you just can't see it yet.

I wish for you to have peace in the New Year.

Sandy

[Ann]

Michelle.....I know this post is a few days late but I have been fighting with my ISP at home and have been unable to get online to post.

You CANNOT do this to yourself. Beating yourself up over Don's death will not accomplish anything! It won't change the circumstances or the outcome. You know, deep inside your heart, that you did everything in your power to both save your husband and to make him comfortable. I know that Don would not want you to blame yourself for his illness or his death.

YES...I think there comes a time for all of us when we just feel like we can't go on. We feel like we can't travel through life without the one we have loved and lost by our side. We all feel that pain and emptiness after a loss. You have to realize that you have had a very brief time to deal with your loss. It takes time to adjust and to heal. Right after we lose someone, we are in shock and that shock is a great defense that hangs around while we are able to make plans and get things done. After the shock wears off, reality sets in and that's when it's really hard! That's where you are right now! I can assure you that, although the pain will never completely go away. it will lessen.

You have a son that needs you and is counting on you to help him through life. You have friends that care about you and want only the best for you. You have a wonderful support group here at this message board. We're here for you but, I feel you need more. You need to have someone locally that can help you deal with all of these feelings and figure out how to sort them out. I found that just having someone that will listen was the biggest help of all!

Please, take care of yourself!!!! I think you need to find a new doctor that will review all of the meds you are taking and make sure that you need to be taking all of them at the same time. Talk to your pharmacist and ask them about possible side affects if all of the meds are taken together.

We love you and really do care!!!

[Patti B]

((((((Michelle))))))

I have not been on much lately so I am sorry I missed this earlier.

I feel so bad for you but I also feel that you did everything possible for Don. Remember you calling 911 to get him up the stairs at chemo. You were such a devoted loving caregiver (PM me if you want to know what some of us go through). It was always about him and NEVER about you.

Your son needs you. If you allow something to happen to you - what happens to him?????

I agree that you should see another doctor about the meds you are on. There are TV ads about some of these anti-depressants that say they can actually make your depression worse and cause suicidal thoughts. Michelle- if that happens - PLEASE - for all of us who love you and for your son, call 911 or go straight to the ER. Your husband wants you to join him when God feels it is time. I don't think he would want you to leave your son.

I care Michelle, and so do so many others here. PM me if you ever want to talk and please take care of yourself. I know it must be so hard around the holidays - its hard for me, too thinking of how many I have left. But we care, Michelle - and we love you.

Hugs - Patti B.

[michellep]

Thank you for your sweet reply. Actually I did well today....didn't take any meds at all and manged to run some errands to walgreens and picked up some donuts. Now I have another tragic worry....there is a member on another board I have been talking to and she posted this morning talking about suicide...I;m just beside myself with worry. I contacted the moderator and asked her to give this member my phone number. Maybe by helping someone else I can help myself? I'm just worried out of my mind right now over her. I'll let you know what happens.

[Eileen]

Hugs to you--we all care.

Know that you are never alone, you have many arms here to hold you!

[michellep]

I managed to get a hold of the other member who was talking about suicide and she seems to be holding on okay right now. I'll be calling her daily just to make sure.

Yesterday I went to see my new therapist. I like her a lot and since she herself lost a husband to lung cancer it makes communication so much easier. She told me though that going back to work right now is out of the question since my dx is severe panic attacks. She says they have a scale from 0-22 rating and that I am what she considers a 19. Knowing this makes things so much worse because I'm really in a financial bind and I've just got to do something soon. I can't just sit on my butt waiting for the next panic attack to hit me which seems to be increasing to multiple times daily now. There MUST be something that can be done.

Knowing that tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary is making things especially hard for me right now. I can barely see the screen through my tears.

I'll be back and I'll be fine.............keep repeating this Michelle

[beatlemike]

Michelle,For what it is worth,I suffered from panic attacks for many years. As I reflect upon it I now realize they started soon after the death of my little sister who died when I was around 15. Back then you never heard the word panic attack or disorder( Back before Oprah). I just thought I was crazy and always lived in fear when the next would occur. Finally I came across a book called Hope and Help for your Nerves by Dr. Clare Weeks. That book changed my life. For one thing I realized I was not crazy and that many people suffered from the same thing. You can still find the book in bookstores and maybe could be of help to you. I still get panic attacks from time to time but they dont immobilize me the way they used to. I think they come from a fear of losing control but hell I think alot of things. I hope you the best.

[jstdzy]

Oh Michelle,

I am so sorry you are having such a horrible time. I didn't loose a spouse, but I did loose my Mom in Feb., she was my "roomy" and my best friend. You are very right you have to hang on if you want to see Don again. The first's are very hard to get through. But you have showed all of us your strength and you can and will get through this. Don is giving you his strengh from heaven and God is looking over you too. You will make it.

(((Hugs)))

Dana

[michellep]

Hearing such words of comfort ane encouragement have not gone un noticed believe me. I have a feeling inside of me that's telling me these medications and therapy sessions are a waste of time and money.

I'm still in a very dark place and I don't think I will ever recover. YES, I understand that suicide is an unforgiveable sin, but just shutting ones self and soul down and waiting for the lord to come for me sounds acceptable.

[Melanie86]

Dear Michelle,

I'm only new here, so what I say may be overlooked, but I figure it's worth it just to say it anyways.

Yes, you are suffering. I cannot begin to imagine how much you are suffering right now. I'm only 23 and the only experience of a beautiful marriage full of life, love, and hope, was the marriage i've seen with my parents.

I'll make my story short and sweet because this isn't about me, it's meant to make my point clear, so maybe I can help you find some peace.

I have one older sister and brother. Before the 3 of us were born, my mother was diagnosed with M.S. She decided to have the 3 of us, even though it would aggrivate her M.S. By the time i was born (last of the 3 kids) she was permanently in a wheel chair and by the time i was 5 she was bed ridden and unable to talk, or eat, or move any part of her body on her own. She died only 1.5 years ago. I'm 23 years old.

My dad stood by her side, while she suffered silently in a bed for almost 20 years. He loved her and supported her and raised us on his own. He showed us that loving and supporting eachother truely in "good times and bad" was how we are all called to live.

Mom chose life. For us, for herself. She is gone now, and my dad has gone on to become a Roman Catholic Priest (gets ordained in May). He knows that although Mom is passed on, God blessed him with a longer life and that's not a curse or a punnishment, it's a gift to reach out farther than his household and family.

Michelle, you are here, giving advice and hope to soooo many people. And I'd bet any money that you've sincerely touched these lives in so many ways that you don't know about, and lives outside of Lungevity.

Many people with Cancer have their lives cut short. Not enough time to do what they really wanted to do. You have these next years, not as a punnishment, but as a chance to reach out to others, reach out to yourself, reach out to the Lord, and praise Him for your husband's life you got to share in with, and for your life, in being able to meet and love your husband, and all of those wonderful memories He let you share in.

May you find peace, and recognise that God's purpose for you didn't end with being a wife, but extended from.

Sincerely, Melanie

[michellep]

Today is our wedding anniversary. I refuse to say it "would have been" I can't wrap my mind around that concept. So, therefore it will be such and I will spend the day talking to my husband and remembering our wedding day and all the wonderful years that followed.

Happy Anniversary my dear love............may we celebrate many more.

Your loving wife forever,

Michelle

PS I love you all the way to god and back (we always wrote that in our cards)

[fillise]

Michelle--today will always be your anniversary. No need to the past tense. I hope you can smile today warmed by the memories of your years together.

Susan

[Melanie86]

Happy Anniversary!