Talking thru funk and new saddness

[jaminkw]

I've been in a funk lately and on the way to town for labs today, I gave myself a good talking to. It started with something like, "woman, get a grip...." I have been complaining so much about being so tired I'm tired of hearing myself say it. I finally decided I should go to labs, then get a latte and go visit my friend Loreen and forget about going to group tonight. When I got home I would do all the things hanging over my head: bring in the trash cans and the recycling bin from yesterday morning, get the mail from yesterday, make a trip into the RV for some long sleeve shirts and coat, and no matter how many trips, empty the refrig into the one on the porch (up and down several stairs) before Sears repairmen come. It's all done now. The emptying of the refrig was for naught. The refrig is working since my husband defrosted the auto-defrost with a fan so they could do nothing.

I haven't been to my cancer group in three weeks. It was the holidays, I had my grandson here, and then there was/is the fatigue I'm no longer talking about, and today Sears was scheduled to come between 3 & 5--group is at 5. Also, my friend Loreen has not been able to go. I didn't post it last week but she had a heart attack a week ago and was airlifted to Miami. They put stents in and I saw her at her home today. She looks great. Thank goodness. But today was the day she was supposed to go to Miami for the needle biopsy to see if her cancer is back. Don't know when that will happen now.

While at her house earlier I said I would call someone at group so they wouldn't worry. We decided on Frank since he's the most critical cancer case among us and I always worry about him when I miss meetings. I called and his brother answered. Frank passed away yesterday morning. I am so sad. He was so lovable. We had planned to have lunch soon.

I can't mourn Frank too much. He was an amazing man with an amazing cancer event. He had some kind of rare esphogal (sp?) cancer. He lived in SC where they sent him home to die. He came to KW and lived in a mother-in-law apartment attached to his brother and partner's house. He lived to see two more birthdays. The last one recently was his 50th and all the cancer group attended. Frank rarely missed a meeting.

So thank you for giving me a place here to put all of this. I needed to.

Judy in Key West

[Larry's Wife]

(((((((((Judy))))))))))))

[RandyW]

Judy I am so very sorry for your friend Frank!! NEver met him but he sounds amazing just from your description!

My condolences to family and friends...

[fillise]

((((Judy)))))

I'm so sorry about your friend Frank. It is good to know that Loreen is on the mend from her heart attack. Hopefully when she does get the needle biopsy you will have some good news to celebrate.

You know we are here for you whenever you need us.

Susan

[Calintay]

JUDY YOU ARE CERTAINLY HAVING A ROUGH SPOT IN THE ROAD RIGHT NOW. I AM SO SORRY. I AM SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF FRANK. I AM SORRY YOU HAVE BEEN SO FATIGUED AND IT IS OKAY TO "COMPLAIN", AT LEAST TO US, THAT IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR, YOU AND ANYONE ELSE NEEDING HELP, SUPPORT OR JUST PPL TO VENT TO. MY THOUGHT AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU JUDY THAT GOD WILL PUT HIS HANDS AROUND YOU AND CARRY YOU THROUGH YOUR ROUGH PATCH TIL YOU ARE FEELING BETTER.

MANY HUGS,

HEIDI

[dianew]

Judy - am so very sorry about all this stuff going on and especially your friend Frank. I think the holidays are always accompanied or followed by what I call a "winter funk", and with the weather you've been having in sunny Fla., I hope that is all it is and it will be on it's way out when the warm temperatures return. Will keep your friend Loreen in my prayers for a great recovery.

Diane

[Bud Baker]

So sorry about Frank, Judy.

As for complaining about feeling bad, I think you do a great job of functioning when you feel bad, if your posts are any indication. When I was getting chemo, I started a thread on a cycling forum about riding with chemo. If you want to read something from someone who really doesn't handle feeling bad very well, go read that thread. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there, (((((((Judy)))))).

[Patkid]

My dear friend and neighbor,

Your load is heavy. You are understandably tired. You care about everyone.

Life can be so very unfair. It is unfair for you to have so much going on. I admire so much your concern for all of us and for your cancer group friends. You even care about my cold.

Sometimes the mundane crapt (like garbage cans and refrigerators) is just overwhelming when your heart is consumed w/ truly huge feelings and thoughts.

Frank and his family are in my fervent prayer.

You are on my mind and in my heart.

Please know how much you are loved and respected.

Give yourself a big REST and a big deep sigh and a soft look into your head and heart. Be assured of your value and recognize your strength. Even if you don't feel it, we see it and feel it and love it.

Many hugs and much love.

Pat

[jaminkw]

I know it was not what any of you intended but your responses made me cry. And that's a good thing. You all get it. You really do. The journey is so hard and I've met such amazing people on this road. And I worry about them. And sometimes they die. And so we complain about the little things when we are really suffering from such a heavy heart. Thank you my friends, my LCSC family for understanding me. I find that's all most of us really want and need.

One last thing. I was in Papa Java's today getting my latte. A man at the next cash register standing arm to arm (he isn't very tall lol) looked familiar. He told the cashier his name and it was so familiar. I asked "Roland, how do I know you." He look right at me and said you used to come in the store (GNC) with your friend Jim. He said how sorry he was. I told him I went away and when I came back Jim was almost gone.

No way to really live and care without experiencing the pain.

Thanks again.

Judy in Key West

[Janet B]

Pat summed it up - beautifully and perfectly

You are our biggest cheerleader - when you are down - let us return the favor -

rest up, don't worry about the little stuff, take care of yourself

you are in my prayers - your friends are in my prayers - and I will pray for sun and warmth in Florida -

lots of love - janet

[shineladysue]

(((Judy))),

First of all, I am sorry about the loss of your friend, Frank and about your friend Loreen's heart attack. I am sure you were a wonderful friend to Frank and that you are to Loreen.

As for all this funk stuff, it sounds like you are just human. You try so hard to be positive and you do so much to keep others around you cheered up ( you do a good job of it too) , but even YOU have the right to have concern , worries, fatigue and all the things that go not only with a cancer fight , but with life in general. I'm so glad that you came here and shared it all with us. It helps to get it out , especially when you can share with people who not only understand , but people who really care for you.

Hope you get a good report from the labs and that you are feeling better soon. And.. give yourself a break. You really pushed yourself.. pamper yourself.

Lots of hugs,

Sue

[Reynsie48]

Judy,

Doesn't it feel good to have a good cry though once you get past the swollen eyes. I think it is what saves us from "boiling over", lets some of the built up pressure off and almost refreshes your soul.

Then the next day you can get back to keeping on keeping on.

I so admire your spirit and hope you find the strength to get through the rough patch and heartache.

Sandy

[beatlemike]

Judy I am so sorry about your friend Frank. I know in life we can't have our highs without the lows but sometimes those lows are a real bit-h.

[ts]

Judy,

Every time I wonder if I would be better off ignoring this beast and everything associated with it, I realize I can't. Is it too much to be able to care and still hang on? Sorry to hear about Frank.

I just read that the last woman to hire me (she retired a year ago) is at home on hospice in the process of dying from this crap. She was dx at Thanksgiving with mets to bone and brain. Not eating or drinking. A wonderful woman from all I've heard. I really did not get a chance to work with her, but I am really grateful for the support she provided to me in my first few months after dx.

I think we can all use some good news about now. I'll finish reading today's posts in hope of finding some and get some good sleep.

[Nick C]

You know that's a lot of stuff...a resulting funk is understandable.

I'm sorry about your friend Frank.

[Ann]

No way to really live and care without experiencing the pain.

Judy, I had to copy the above statement, as it was really one that grabbed me.

I'm so sorry that you've had so much sorrow on your plate lately and I'm so glad you felt you could share it with us! I'm a firm believer in talking things out. There's just nothing like having a good friend to listen....with their heart. You have so many friends here to listen and although that doesn't make all the pain go away, please feel better because so many care!

[Barb73]

Judy,

I have not been on the board lately. The days are taken up with the facility Bill is in, and the nights are so full of "tired."

Your post grabbed me because it tells of what is true about all of this. Yes, without caring there would be less pain, but as you have so beautifully put it, there would be no caring, no concern, no empathy. You have experienced two events, the loss of Frank, and the concern over Loreen.

You know, Judy, all of what you have expressed tells me that you understand the nature of this thing.

Sometimes, I think I cannot hold one more sad thought, and then someone like you will make it so human, that I pick up and bear some more.

I thank you for that, and hope you will always feel that you can talk about the down times. It joins the rest of us who have those moments, too.

Barbara

[Patkid]

Beautiful post, Barbara. Thank you.

[carolhg]

I am sorry to hear all that you have experienced. Please know that you care certainly cared about. Keeping you in my prayers. Carol

[Treebywater]

Judy--Everything you do, you do with grace. The goods the bads and the in between. I have admired you since you first started posting here.

I'm sorry things have been so funkful. I hope for brighter days for you. I'm sorry about your friend, Frank. But I am so glad for people who care and who are willing to go through the pain. People like you are the light in the darkness.

[Don]

Judy,

Everyone on here knows just how you feel. You can be moving right along then out of nowhere it hits you. My friend has passed away, my meds are a mess, apointments, just more crap than we can handle sometimes. When I feel this way I try real hard to take a break from all of it. I might sit down under a tree or on a bale of hay and sometimes just go for a ride on one of the horses. I look at all the trees, birds, flowers, and talk to God. I don't try and say anything that is real profound, no fancy words, just carry on a conversation that he always listens to. He is such a great listner. I thank him for all the things around me, and look at the sky. Just kick back and remember childhood times or high school fun times. Anything but the current events in your life. I will ask the Lord to give me the power to accept all the things and find answers in what I can't understand. Then I try and put things in order. What do I really have to do today is it that important. OK so I put off some things big deal. I look at some things as if I get it done ok, if not, ok. Don't try and fix all things, let the Lord help you with his everyday creations. Animals. I love to watch squirrels play. They act just like kids chasing each other. Even the cows chase each other. Just take that time to look around and realize how much is right.

You have every reason in the world to cry but you can also cry because you are alive and know that you earned every moment. I hope this makes sense because sometimes I just start typing and have no idea where am going. God loves you for what you have done to help everyone and has forgiven all of us for those things we wish we could have changed. You have to find your place where all things can be at peace in your mind.

God Bless

Don

[dianew]

Don - thank you for posting this today - I needed it today especially. Am probably not the only one.

Thank you!

Diane

[Barb73]

You are so right, Diane. Don's post helped me tonight.

The especially important part for me was when Don mentioned about getting things done, or not.

Yes, that's it. I have to unchain myself from the "have to do's."

Anyway, long story short, I loved Don's post. Thank you Don.

Barbara

[jaminkw]

Don thanks. I wish I had read this yesterday. I might have seen if the farm at the jail here was open. I've been wanting to go visit but it has limited times it is open.

I had recovered nicely from this "funk" with all the love and support here when "WHAMMO." I got a computer virus on Friday and still am not able to use my laptop. I bounced back from that and the realization that I lost my AT&T mobile internet device and went to town and got the wrong device to back up my files while I wait for Dell to send a new driver CD. I only had to take a couple of Ativan's lol but gave myself a good talking to. Everything will come together again. It helps that busy and overwhelmed as Stan is right now, he's able to recognize my distress and I do his. I told him I didn't know why he wasn't completely overwhelmed by the construction mess he's encounter but I think when he comes in I'll tell him again.

Thanks all.

Judy in Key West