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Consumed by sadness


lenr8

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I lost my husband, Lenny, on December 4th of this year. A little over four weeks ago. We both knew that death from this horrible disease could be a possibility some day. But we always had so much hope and fought so hard to beat it. Up until the very end. His dealth was sudden. He went into the hospital for pneumonia and before I knew it, he was gone - in only a little over two weeks. He had even worked up to the day he went into the hospital. I seem to be getting worse as time goes on, not better. I am crying now more than I ever have. I feel consumed by sadness. Everything that I do reminds me of him. Even a trip to the grocery store. I still can't believe that he is gone. When I think about the reality of him never coming back to us I feel terrified. There is a part of me, of my heart, that is gone forever. I feel so very lost and alone. I have so many wonderful and supportive friends and family members surrounding me but I still feel so alone. As hard as they try, they can never understand the pain I am going through. I am angry that he was taken from us. He wanted to live so badly. He had so much to live for. He was only 32 years old. I find myself getting angry and jealous when I see families now - with a mom and a dad. My heart breaks every time I have to tell my 2 year old son that "Daddy is in heaven now" when he wants to know why daddy isn't home. My heart breaks when my 7 year old son says things like, "Why couldn't we have had just one more family bike ride?" as tears fall from his eyes. They are the reason I have to be strong and go on. But, it is so hard. It is hard for me to explain to them why he is gone when I don't understand it myself. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have not been there for over 6 weeks now. I don't want to go back but I have to. I think that we need to get back to some sort of routine but I also don't want to do it without him. Like I'm waiting for him to come back even though I know this is not possible. I feel as if time has stopped since his death and I don't want it to start again until he is back with us. I honestly don't know how I will get through this. Birthdays, holidays, etc.. are all so painful. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me and my children get through this? Thank you.

Lori

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Lori - I read your post and I have no real answers.

I don't think there are any answers to the whys and hows. Why did your husband have to die at 32? There seems to be no sense to it.

How do you and your sons get through the "special" days....I think you will find that you will get through them one day at a time. That is all any of us can do.

The only advice I can offer you, dear girl, is this...focus on what you DO have...not on what you have lost. It's the only way I can get through some days without despair.

I find if I look at all I DO HAVE with a heart of gratitude it makes it a little less easy to fall into the despair and the grief. I keep thinking what if I didn't have my children and grandchildren? I can look at my children and grandchildren and see Mike in them. In their looks, in their personalities...and I know Mike lives on through them. What if I didn't have my church family, my friends, etc. I could be so much worse.

I just keep plugging along with the attitude of gratitude that I got to be Mike's wife. I could have missed the blessings of him and his love.

There is an old saying that is bitter sweet but true...It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Much love and hugs to you and your sons. Hold tight to one another....Lenny is with you in spirit...Make him proud.

Shannon

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Shannon....

I was so glad to see you post...you have no idea how many times I have thought of you since I lost Tim in October..you were my role model. I know from your posts and your determination how much you loved Mike and now I know first hand what that pain is like. No one can begin to imagine it unless they have been there. I am trying to focus on my grandchildren- Tyler who is 21 months and Madison who is 13 months and the twins that will be born in February...we found out that it's a boy and a girl and they are naming the girl Hayley and the boy Brandon Timothy- Timothy after his granddad. Our niece (Tim's sister's daughter) had a baby in November..and after being told through all the ultrasounds, Timothy Antonio Perez was born... So I like you try to see all the wonderful things in my life that I would never have had if I had not been Tim's wife...17 years was not enough, but I am so glad we had what we did together. I am doing a lot of fundraising to improve the patient and family areas on the oncology floor at UMass and my next project is the treatment area at the cancer center. I feel the best way I can honor Tim is to do as much as he and I could do together...that way I don't just even the score, but cancer is the loser.

Lori....

Hang in there...I know exactly how you feel...so does Shannon...no one, not your family or friends know what this is like..they try and they mean well, but the have no idea the depth of it. Try to remember only the good memories. I found myself replaying the last week of Tim's life over and over and it was making me worse...so now when I start to think about it, I mentally stop myself and make myself remember something from before he got sick. I take it a day at a time..try to stay as busy as possible...and yes, cry alot. But I have to go on..I promised Tim and I know that's what he wanted...I am sure your husband wanted the same for you. If you ever need to talk, I am here ....

Kathy

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Lori,

I know how you feel as far as everything reminding you of Lenny. I lost my dad, and it doesnt matter where I am at or what I am doing, the reminders are everywhere. The one thing everyone keeps saying is time. Dont they say" time heals all wounds." In time we will be able to smile instead of cry when we think of our loved ones.

I think now that the holidays are done thats one less thing you have to worry about. I am sure losing Lenny right before the holidays was twice as devasting. Going back to work will probably be really hard. I hated my first day back. All I wanted to do all day was cry, its strange how everything stayed the same there and our lives are so different now. I remember it felt really strange.

You have been through an awful lot Lori. My heart breaks for you. Watching someone fight for their life is very traumatic. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. These boards really have helped me get through some rough days. It helps knowing we are not alone. Stay with us, we can heal and find peace together......

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Lori,

I am so sorry you are in the position you are in. I was there not so long ago. It has taken me a few months to get back on my feet again and to feel like I am having more good days than bad.

Give yourself time to heal. It doesn't come over night. Accept that you will have days when all you do is cry. But also realize, that as time passes you become stronger in how you handle this so very devastating event.

I talk to Randy every day. I still tell him I love him before I go to sleep at night and ask him to watch over our children and me.

I have a 3 year old grandson, who "sees" his grandpa at night. More than once he has gotten his mother up durning the night to "see" PaPa. He has told me about PaPa coming to visit him. The stangest thing, is he is not scared of this vision at all. He knows now that Papa is not here, and he tells us how he misses his Papa so. We just tell him we miss him too and that Papa will always be with us. Through the eyes of a baby I have come to accept that Randy's spirit is always with us and will never leave us. He is watching over us.

To lose anyone to cancer is not fair. None of them deserved it. None of us deserved to lose those we love so much.

I have a deep faith though that God has His reasons for doing what He does. I do not ask why any longer. There is no answer to that question. I have accepted that I have a mission here now to let others know and to try to help others in this awful journey that you and I have taken. It is a long road. When we ask God to help us, He does. We just have to watch for the signs.

I pray for you and your boys to be able to find peace in the future. Make today the best you can. Tomorrow will take care of itself. As "WE" all make this journey, let us know what we can do to help.

Take care dear lady. May God's love shine on you and give you strength in your saddness.

Much love,

Shirley

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Lori

My heart goes out to you. I too know what you are going through. You have to have been there to really understand. Feeling lost and the feeling of waiting were two of the strongest feelings that I have had to live with. Even now over a year sense my Johnny died those feelings come at me out of nowhere. I lost my Johnny on December 2,2002 so I know how much the timing can make it seem even worse. Everyone is celebrating and you wonder "how can they when the world has ended?"

I won't tell you that the pain goes away. I think you would know that is not true. It just eventually gets bearable. First just for a few minutes and then later for a few hours. I had to get past the aniversary dates of his last days and death before I could acknowledge that I am not having a nightmare that this is reality. My reality. It was very hard to accept and at times still is. One thing I do know and you must remember. That is to grieve don't try to stop it. If you feel like crying cry. If you feel like being alone with your pain find away for a few minutes to do that. It is by the process of grieving and the pain that you will finally start to be able to handle what has been taken from you.

Like Shirley has said our loved ones are not gone, just in a better place that is close enough to us to still be watching. They know we grieve and our grief is bitter at times. They also know that we honor them with our grief. Being with other people is when I still feel more alone than ever. I find my comfort in the things that God has made. Things that man can not have made in billions of years. By letting myself feel the pain and that I am a part of nature that God has made I know that God exists. I know too that my Johnny is watching over me. You are never alone. When you get down come here. There are many of us who are walking the same road you are. Maybe we are a little farther along that road but many of the pot holes are still there for us too. We can share and I have learned that in sharing with those who have been or are in the same spot lightens the load of our grief.

God bless you and look after you and you beautiful children. You will always have a part of you love in them. Lillian

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Lori, I was going to pm you today, to see how you and your boys are doing. I am so sorry that you have been having such a hard time. I can't imagine the pain. I hope that you find comfort in Shannon and Kathys and Shirleys posts.

Have you considered a berievement group? I know that it might seem hokey, but it may just be helpful to you to talk to other people who may have experienced the loss of a spouse.

I don't know what else to say, I wish I could magically make it all better for you and your boys. I can't tell you how often I think of you and wonder how you are. Please feel free to e-mail or private message me when you need to. I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I would like to help if at all I can. Take care, Deb

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Lori:

Reading your post brought back so many memories of one of my dear friends. My friend also lost her husband at the age of 32 to leukemia. He battled for 4 short months and left behind two small children as well. I was with my friend every step of the way -- helping her tell her children, sending them Christmas from our company to the hospital with their dad, visiting both of them at the hospital. I know everything was difficult for her -- I helped her by finding out I was pregnant with my first child! She had a tough time, but decided to relocate and try to start again. She knew that's what her husband wanted her to do. This was 15 years ago and she has done a tremendous job with her children and her life. Her husband would have been very proud! I know she still misses him, but she knows she fulfilled their wishes with the children.

I have since moved on to another company and now when I feel like I am losing my dad, my best friend at work (younger than me) just found out she is pregnant even though the drs said she may never be able to have children. Helps me keep the faith that lives can go on. Prayers to you and your family.

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Lori,

I am so so so sorry that this has happened to you and your boys.

It broke my heart to read your post and I am still crying as I try to

find some words to help you.

It SUCKS and it's so unfair and I hate cancer and I'm angry and sad

and I feel so alone and I'm jealous of everyone who has their family around them....

Ok maybe I'm not the one to make you feel any better, but know that

I am praying for you and your boys, and that my heart aches for you.

You have two beautiful boys, let them fill your days and keep busy with them, that is my only advice. Please know that you are not alone, and let

the rest of us help you in your pain.

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Lori

You expressed yourself very well, your pain and love for your husband really touches all who read your post.

I too wish I had answers for you, but none of us can explain why such sad and unfair things happen. At times like this you may find comfort in your religion, or sometimes you are angry at God for what's happened - but this is normal. It's going to take time - measured in months-year or more to not feel so devastated as you do now.

Don't deny your emotions, but I do think you should try and find some help - a supportive group dealing with the loss of their spouses etc to get you through this very difficult time. Just like your husband and you sought medical experts and help for his disease, you need to take care of yourself. Your husband is counting on you to be there for your beautiful sons....and you will find the strength somewhere each day to just get through the day as you need it.

Let people help you - right now you need it and your sons need it too. You will amaze yourself someday that you survived the loss of your husband and it may help you to know and feel he's with you, in your heart and mind - so you might try to remember what he would say to you when you are very down in the dumps - It may carry you when you need it.

I will be praying for you and your sons,

please take care.

HopeJ

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Thank you so much for all of your comforting responses. I knew that you all would help me feel better. You really gave me some things to think about and I know it will help me deal with the pain when it overwhelms me. I just keep reading your responses and I am amazed at the incredible amount of strength, faith, and compassion that you all have. I really feel that you all took me in your arms and gave me the biggest hug ever. Thank you for that.

Lori

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Lori,

I cannot imagine the pain you are in right now. Take comfort in knowing that Lenny loved his family more than life itself, and his spirit will transend death. Cancer did not kill that man's spirit. I was so inspired by his strength. I mean that sincerely. He motivated me to live life to the fullest.

It will take time to heal from your loss. However, may I offer some suggestions to help. Do not isolate yourself from family and friends. Allow yourself to grieve and realize there is no set way to do it, everyone is different. Seek support from other's who have had similar experiences. Help your boys to grieve too, by doing various activities in rememberence of Lenny- go on that family bike ride and tape a picture of Dad to their bikes. Children need closure also, and are often shielded from the dying process. Help them put together an album to memoralize Lenny. Send a ballon up to heaven with a letter attached for Dad. Visit the grave sight and let the boys place something symbolic of their love for ther Dad on his grave. Go agead and cry, it shows them that it is O.K. to express your feelings of sadness. Do things that make you feel happy and try not to feel guilty about that. Take a break from your grief. Most importantly take care of yourself Lori, because you will be no good for your boys if you don't.

God Bless you and your children! Please stay with us Lori, we care about you and your boys and will support you in any way that we can.

Cheryl

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