Really? 3 Years Already?

[New MissyK]

For some reason this year the anniversary of Mom's death just knocked me down. I spent a good portion of the day in bed just bawling...with Xavier trying his almost 3 year old best to try to "fix" whatever was wrong with me, bless his heart.

Every so often I sit down with my brother and have a good long teary-eyed talk about our frustration and sadness, hopes and fears. Mainly we try to avoid it, though.

Ralph (our step-dad) and I talk more about Mom than anything else sometimes, it seems, and I think it's one of the reasons that I have a hard time contacting him more often than I do...and I feel awful about that. He lost his wife and needs comfort, too! He needs someone to share memories, frustrations, fears, and the small steps forward with...

I just don't know that I can be that person...at least not right now.

Mostly I'm really good at avoiding the hurt. Sometimes it creeps up on me...like it did this year.

Is it odd that I just don't *want* to grieve??

[eric byrne]

Hi New MissyK,

Welcome,great to have on board,always a pleasure to have a new person to share life with,the bigger the circle of friends each of us has the better,I always think.I can recognise from your posting a young person full of life,who is coping with the loss of her mum with aplomb,nice you have a brother to share with ,I know you have many happy memories of your mum to take some comfort in.I wish you every happiness with your future and I am looking forward to your future postings.

[fillise]

Hello Missy!

It is so good to hear from you. I have often wondered how you have been doing.

I'm glad you thought to come back to us to talk about your mom. I was new here three years ago so impressed by you and by your mom and so sad with you when she passed. I can tell you that your mom wouldn't want you to be sad, but you feel what you feel. There is nothing wrong with continuing to miss your mom and grieving her loss.

You know we will always he here for you,

Susan

[Joppette]

Hello again!

Once again, I can relate. My brothers did not want to discuss any of the situation. My step-dad didn't want to talk about anything other than my Mom. Both were difficult for me.

My step-dad talked about her like she was still here. That was tough to handle. He could not grieve her, and tried to pull me into that. I had to resist, as it was imperative that I get on with the process and learn how to live without her.

It just plain is so difficult.

Glad you are here and writing. Somehow it is helping me.

Judy in MI

[shineladysue]

(((Missy K))), old or new, you are still thought about. It's good to see you here, but sorry that it is in the grieving section. This grieving business is a bit unpredictable, Missy. Sometimes, it seems we can just be blindsided when we least expect it , oftentimes on anniversary dates or holidays . Your post brought back a flood of memories from your earlier posts, we just don't forget friends and family members of friends we have met along our own journeys. Grieving is painful and I can understand you wanting to avoid it, but sometimes I think it just helps to let it happen and let out some of that pain. You take care, Missy . You know you are still and will always be a part of the family here.

Hugs,

Sue

[New MissyK]

*Smiles* Sue, ya know, the reason I found my way back was because I know you all know what it's like...most who are still here that I know have grieved the losses endured by befriending those who's lives weren't as long as some other...or we were family/friends/loved ones. There's not a single person here who doesn't know how it works!!!

I'm so incredibly terrified of "letting it happen"...I've been for three years now. I'm not sure that if I let that dam break, there will be a stop to it. I'm so scared of NOT being able to stop it that I've never let it start! I have grieved, in a way....in short bursts that scare my family and friends to no end. And me frightening them by the intensity of it doesn't help my fears any...so I stuff it back down and just go on.

I'm pretty good at going on even without fully grieving...I've managed another baby (who was in the NICU for a month)...then having to revive said baby when he was home (before an ambulance trip BACK to the NICU) all within two months of Mom dying. I've managed "life" since then....but I still feel lost sometimes.

That's why I came back to you all who know what lost feels like....

And thank you, Sue....Sometimes just seeing her "name" makes me feel better....

Dammit how I miss her!

[Joppette]

Missy, I looked on line to see if there was a Gilda's Club near you and unfortunately, there just are not many in the Mid Central part of the USA. It breaks my heart, because they are such an amazing cancer and grief support system. It sounds like you so need to let it out, gushing like a river, or dripping like a stream.

I'm wondering what scares you about "fully grieving"? It makes me feel like you think this would be a horrible event, one that deserves to be feared.

As my Mom's health degraded, I did grieve a lot, crying long heaving sessions, angry that I was grieving a woman I loved who had not died yet. And then I switched to manic overdrive to help her with a particular challenge, back to grief, back to a myriad of other emotions. It was a gigantic roller coaster ride of emotions.

When she first passed, I felt some joy because her suffering was finally over. But then I felt lost. The person that I cared for so intensely for several years was gone and I felt lost. I found I had to feel the loss, the hurt, the anger, the loss, emptiness and lonliness in order to get back to feeling some good feelings again. This process can take a long time, but it's a process we all must go through.

I pray for peace for you. I pray that maybe you have sufficiently grieved, and I pray that whatever fear you are feeling about "fully grieving" goes away for there is nothing to fear.

Hugs!

Judy in MI

[jaminkw]

Missy, I'm a survivor not someone who has lost a loved one to cancer. But I am a mother and the intensity of your emotions in grieving your mother are a reflection of the enormity of your love for her. My wish for you is that you find someone who can just be there for you in the middle of that release, however large the storm of emotion. Take care.

Judy in KW

[shineladysue]

Aww, Missy, as soon as I saw your picture and even before I read your post, I could see Sue's picture in my mind. I'm sorry you had such scary experiences with your baby.. hope all is ok with he/she now.

[Nick C]

MISSY!!!!

I have often thought of you as well! I see things can still be hard...yes they can!

And no, it isn't odd that you don't want to grieve...grieving takes energy...grieving is hard. But it does well up. Hang in there...we'll be here.

[Maryanne]

Seems like we never stop grieving, huh Missy... Just when you think you are doing okay... bang something happens to set you off.

My heart to yours sweetie.. ((((((((KIM))))))))

Maryanne