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Wow.....coming up 5 years!


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Hi all

As usual, it's been nearly another year since I've posted. This seems to be the place I come back to every year, as we approach the anniversary of Mum's death. I re-read some of the posts I wrote when she was still here (some form of punishment, perhaps??!), and sit at the computer and cry. It will be five years since I've seen Mum on August 4th. It's still so hard, and so sad. I am now pregnant with baby #3, so will be the 3rd child I have that she never met. I know I am doing better with dealing with the grief, actually I think I always did manage to cope, just was really sad. But these days leading up to the anniversary of her death are always so morbid, filled with reliving those awful last days and memories you'd sooner not have. I still try to remember the exact last time I had a real "Mum moment", the last time she actually hugged me as opposed to just receiving my cuddles. I can't remember them. I never have been able to, as you just don't know when it's the last time, do you? I just miss her so much. I wish I could just have one more big cuddle with her, even if I knew it was to be my last. Just to feel the safety you feel, being held in the arms of your Mum. Sigh. Of course Mum always helped us get through most everything, but she couldn't help us with getting used to living without her.

Thank you for reading, even though I am so terribly absent.

Love to all



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Hi Jana,

I'm new here since you last posted, but came upon your post today. I understand your sorrow, as my Mom died of this wretched disease too. It's tough to pick up and move on, especially around the anniversaries.

Congrats on the baby on the way! That is something wonderful to look forward to.

Judy in MI

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My parallel universe friend guess what? I'm pregnant with #3 too! :) Congratulations.

As for what you've written. Me too... me too... How has it been five years? I have been wanting my Mama's arms and her reassurance and her matter-of-fact point of view so much lately too.

Five years blew me off course in a way I didn't expect. I hope that your day and the days leading up to it will be gentle for you and that you will feel in some small way her comfort with you.

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‎I'm new since your Mum passed but here long enough to know people are welcome back whenever they need us. I'm a survivor not a caretaker but also hope the day passes gently for you. It's a phrase I learned here that expresses the wish so well. I'm glad there are people like Treebywater who have walked in your shoes to empathize in a manner I can't. Take care.

Judy in KW

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Boy have I thought about you!! It's good to see you post and get a small update on you.

Congratulations on baby number 3.

When my daughter was born 2 months after I lost my dad- someone here wrote a reply that has comforted me all these years.

I was upset that dad would never meet my daughter...and someone wrote- "But he DID...he met her first...before she was even born."

I believe that.

(((hugs))) to you and yours and hope Aug 4 passes peacefully for you.

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Katie...that quote...so many cliche's about loss suck and are so empty...but that one is so real and so full of truth...I love it...and it too was shared with me here when Sophie was on her way to us.

Jana, I really hope you find comfort in that.

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Thanks everyone. You guys are soooooooooooo awesome, even to someone who is only an occasional visitor these days. Thank you so much. I also draw comfort from something that was once told to me. When my Mum was pregnant with me, all the little eggs that could possibly be her grandchildren one day, were all inside of me, growing inside of her.

August 4th has been and gone, and so now we begin our 6th year of life without Mum. As usual, I reflect on how much of a better, kinder, more compassionate person I am since Mum's illness. Even in her death, she managed to give something to me. Naturally, like all of you, I'd trade it all back quite happily to be my more selfish former self, with a Mum living. I always find the 4 - 6 weeks leading up to the anniversary of Mum's death to be the hardest, and then when the day actually arrives, I am surprisingly OK in comparison to the weeks before it. I wonder if any one else experiences that?

Loving thoughts to all of you, and thank you, once again.



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