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I must want to say this very badly


jaminkw

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This is at least try 4. After many mishaps this trip, I realize I'm cueing something on this new computer that's throwing me out of the post window. It's worse when we're moving. Sometimes I can get it back, most times not. This time, I'm removing my mouse, slowing down and trying again.

What a trip this has been. Or, I should say trips: The trip since I found out I had advanced lung cancer in Oct '07; the trip since the radiologists started raising red flags in May '10 and again in July '10, and the trip up North and back since then. First of all, my oncology team has refused to react to the radiologists vaguaries like "suspicious of" or "possibly slightly" and even "adrenal matastisis" based on changes they could not even quantify according to my onc. At first they threw me into a funk. Then I reacted more with disappointment. Since then there has been a dramatic change in my perspective.

I feel really well. My energy level is up. I handled this trip spectacularly. This trip last year after a true progression was awful. My enery level was zip, my allergies were bonkers and I had all manner of respiratory issues. Sometime during this trip, I crossed a threshold and focused on the fact that in spite of the radiologists dire readings in abdominal and adrenal areas (none of which lit up on the PET in May), not one thing has changed in the lung or chest since the Feb reading that said "no evidence of disease." In true cover their butt form, the radiologist may be reacting to the reality that advance cancer often pops up after remissions. I know that. It already happened to me after a year in remission. Even tho I was off treatment, I know my body can get used to this chemo and suddenly the cancer cells reappear. Just let me enjoy this time--as far as I'm concerned I am still in remission, I am still NED.

I've never been quite sure what "living life to the fullest" or "living one day at a time" really meant. I can't explain it but I am doing it right now. I just lost this post again right before I typed "I am still NED" but got it back with Ctrl Z. Maybe I'm afraid if I say all this outloud, I'll jinx it. Well there, I said it twice lol.

That's all folks.

Judy in KW

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Judy,

That is awesome to hear! It truly is the only way any of us should live. Life can't be taken for granted. It is precious, and how amazing that we get a to truly live in the moment, taking it one day at a time. I'm so glad you found this feeling over this summer trip.

Judy in MI

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I really think that's the right attitude, Judy. If a team of medical people can't definitively say the cancer is back, I say it isn't.

I take it one step further, and don't even have much anxiety before my scans. Of course, I originally continued to think it was nothing when they called me in for a CT scan after my suspicious chest x-rays. It was a blow when the CT scan identified it as cancer, but I still think it's better to roll with the punches after bad news than to get worked up with anxiety, trying to prepare yourself beforehand.

Glad you're feeling good! I think that's the best news of all.

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amazing to read these words and so incredibly happy for you that you've crossed this threashold. Live it to the fullest! Enjoy every moment! and I hope you continue to gain strength and feel GREAT every day.

(((hug)))

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Thanks guys. And Bud, I can relate. Right thru the pneumonia and white-out of my lung, and repeated CT scans while in the hospital, I never thought cancer. When I found out it was, I maintained right up to the end of the work-up a month later at MDA that it was probably only a Stage I or II. It was like a sledge hammer hit me when they said Stage IIIB. But I agree, I'd rather error on the side of optomism.

Judy in KW

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Judy,

As long as you are in this frame of mind, would you come over here and help me finish painting the deck railing?

Yes my friend, any day that you are feeling well and doing what you want, you may as well be NED. Or any hour, or minute.

Stephanie

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I love your attitude and am glad to know that you are definitely NED!

Stay that way. I hope to be able to join you there soon. Either way every day on this side of the grass is a blessing to be enjoyed and shared with others.

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I've been gone, so just saw this post. Judy, am so glad you're feeling good - mentally and physically. Bud is so right. I tend to be a "worrier" and if I had a nickle for every time my Dad said "don't cross your bridge before you come to it" -- I'd be rich! I also be rich if I had a nickle for every "possible problem" I've fretted endlessly about -- almost none of which ever came to pass. So much wasted energy.

Your attitude is a great inspiration for me -- thanks for sharing.

Diane

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Judy,

Wow what a great break through.

It is so wonderful that you are feeling good and upbeat. Living life to its fullest is the best - no matter what that entails. You go girl!

As far as the computer problems, if you haven't thrown the mouse at the wall, you are doing good. It is always so hard to find out about all the stupid little nuances in new computers and upgrades.

Makes me hesitate to get new things.

I am so glad that this latest trip was and "eye-opener" for you. Enjoy yourself!

Sue

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