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One year


palves

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Tomorrow is one year since my dad passed away. We had his unveiling in early June. Today we celebrated my daughter's 10th brithday. Some tears from my mom but we are doing ok. I just lit the candle. Tomorrow I thought my mom would want to spend it with me and my family, but she is going to the cemetary and then to a friends for dinner. Guess I should have suggested some plans rather than played it by ear. Oh well. Hoping she isn't too upset with me for not going to the cemetary with her - didn't know she was planning to go. Can't go because I have someone scheduled to come to our house at the same time. In general though I have no pulling desire to go there anyway - figure I can miss him and think about him from anywhere. Am I wrong?

Paula

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I don't think you are wrong at all. Everyone needs to do what works best for them - that's my opinion.

My brothers call me "cemetery people", as I like to go to my parent's grave and just sit and talk to them. My brothers say they don't like to go and they feel my folks around them anywhere. We're just different, no one is wrong or right.

That first anniversary is tough. Do what works best for each of you and just hang on and muddle through it. That's all we can ask of ourselves, I think.

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Hello Paula,

Even though I have been to the cemetery twice - once with our daughter Memorial Day weekend, and once with our son, who was visiting from Florida, I am generally not a "cemetery" person.

Bill, I feel, is around me and everywhere I go. So, no, you are not wrong. Each person is different, and deals with grief in varied ways.

As we move forward, some days are better than others, and grief is a very personal thing.

There are no rules, expiration dates, nor limits to tears, thoughts and whatever else gives comfort.

It's better if guilt is not put into play in our decisions to be or not at grave sites. The main thing, I think, is keeping our loved one's memory with love.

Barbara

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everyone is different! I used to be a cemetery person, Until I finally buried my grief and Debs cremated puppy dawg a couple of years ago and now its sometimes and needs to be today or very soon! 4 and a half years is a long time!

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I was taken to the cemetary with relative frequency when I was a child. One was to visit my mother who I never knew. Was never really comfortable there. What I remember most was being instructed where not to walk. It would be disrespectful to the deceased to walk on the ground under which the coffin was laid. As soon as I was an adult and could choose for myself, I never visited a cemetary--to visit her or either of my two other mothers. Sometimes I wish I was a cemetary person. They seem to get some comfort from visiting and pulling stray weeds and placing flowers near the tombstone. I don't feel guilty but sometimes think I should explain myself to other family members.

Judy in KW

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You get thru it however way you can.

You weren't wrong...I've lost both my parents and extended family- my husband has too...I used to go to the cemetary weekly- my husband lost a 20 yr old sister he was VERY close to and he never goes to the cemetary.

We all cope differently. As long as your mom knows you love her and are there for her- that's all that matters.

Hoping this date passes gently for you and your family.

(((hugs)))

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