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It's been a long time...


wondermom

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It has been so long since I have started a thread on these boards. I am not even sure if people will remember me or my mom's story. I lost my mom 3 years ago to lung cancer. My Dad started dating someone about 6 or 7 months later. Us kids thought it was fast but he seemed happy and this woman "seemed" to be wonderful. Very caring and compassionate etc. So we decided to just let it go and see what happens. In other words, we didn't give Dad a hard time about dating so soon. We all knew how terrible and unbearably lonely he had been. Mom was his entire social life and without her he really has no friends or social networks. Anyway, a couple years into this relationship this woman's true colors come out and we start finding out about her sorted past. I won't go into details but the relationship ended (mostly because of us kids) I think Dad would have overlooked just about anything to have her stay...or should I say to have anyone stay so he wouldn't have to live in the house alone. I think he is depressed and I feel terrible that we pretty much foced him into a decision he likely wouldn't have made on his own. As I said before, he is very unsocial. I have tried to get him to go to a support group but he went once and said everyone was older than him and said it seemed depressing. He is dating again but doesn't seem very optimisitic. He says he still thinks about this other woman and I think he would like to take the easy route and get back with her rather than start over with a new relationship. He has always said he never loved this woman but that he enjoyed her companionship. The woman wanted to get married (which would be her 3rd marriage). How can I help him? I have suggested moving into town so he could be around people but he doesn't think that will help either. I just feel so helpless. Sorry for rambling but needed to vent. Anyone else going through this with a widowed parent? It breaks my heart to have him tell me over and over again how he is so lonely that he can hardly take it.

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Hi Jill!!

I DO remember you and your story and your beautiful mom. I have no advice - just wanted you to know there is someone here who 'knows' you and can lend an ear. I'm certain you all did the right thing concerning this other woman. If only dad could hold onto the hope that there IS someone out there for him. He just needs to get out there and give it a try. It would be much too easy to fall into the trap of comfort with this lady he has known for so long. I know you'll be offering him much support and comfort and compassion. Wish you knew of a lovely lady you could introduce him to. Try networking your friends and family. There are lots of nice gals hoping for a chance with a great guy like your dad.

It's wonderful to 'see' you again. Let me know how things progress. Too bad we are so far apart ~ I've a couple great friends who would LOVE your dad!!!

Kasey

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Thanks Kasey! I remember you too.

I also wish we were closer so we could set him up! I have a friend (my best friend) who has an aunt who is widowed and we talked about setting them up but they live a couple hours apart and I don't think either would move if it got serious enough. But who knows, maybe they should at least meet. Thanks for reaching out and for the support!

Jill

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ultimately it will have to be his choice depending on how badly he wants companionship. Keep doing what you're doing...invite him out, set him up, etc...are there any clubs or active retirement activities (I say "active" or else they WILL be much older than him!) LOL.

You can also try meetup.com and choose your city/state and your hobbies/interest and there are so many social groups on there that he could try or that you all could try together that would open up some opportunties to him.

YOu could even create your own group.

I'm sorry things didn't work out with the other lady but so glad you guys were there to support him thru all of that.

AND I'm SO glad you posted here again...many of us remember you and we are always here to support you. Of course u and I keep connected thru FB, but here at LCSC, lots of people have been "there" and "get it" and have great advice to share.

Hugs,

Keep us posted on you and your dad ok?

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Thanks Katie,

Yes, it will be up to him to get out there and meet people. It is just so hard to watch him go downhill. He met the first lady through an online dating service and has continued meeting people there. I let him know today about some widowers socials going on in the area. I thought they might be more comfortable for him than an actual support group. They are at local bar and grills so hopefully they will attract a somewhat younger group. Not sure if he will even go but I tried, right?

Dad is on facebook so I will only update here :wink:

Thanks again. You guys are great.

Jill

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I hear you.

When my Mom died, my Dad got involved quickly, and married a woman none of his kids felt good about. They stayed married for 17 years, until she died as well. I don't know how much love was there, but he sure did a nice thing for her and her daughters - and he had company. I think it is very hard for older men who have been married a long time, and left their social life to their spouse, to get out there. From your photo, he looks like a catch. No advice really, just wishing you both the best.

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Jill....it is so good to hear from you! Other than worrying about your Dad, how have YOU been?

I do know that being lonely is a terrible thing and unfortunately, your Dad didn't have time to get adjusted to being alone after losing your Mom before he met someone else. Now, he has to adjust and it isn't easy. It sounds like he's got a great support person in you and I'm sure he's very grateful to have you on his side.

Please keep in touch and let us know how both YOU and your Dad are doing.

Ann

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Jill, I remember you and also that picture of your beautiful Mom and daughter. I'm sorry about your Dad's experiences. I've had similar experiences with grown children and it's hard. You want so much for them to be happy. It's difficult when you doubt their choices and just have to let them make their own mistakes. I'm glad he's online. It may help to pass the time at least as a distraction and hopefully he'll be luckier with the next connection he makes.

Judy in KW

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Thanks everyone,

Still the same wonderful supportive friends I remember! Ann, to answer your question, I am doing well. My baby girl (in the photo) just started Kindergarten this year. She is loving it. My son is now in second grade. My brother and his wife (wedding picture below) welcomed thier first baby into the world last April and my sister got married and she and her husband are expecting in a few weeks. So a lot of changes in the last three years. I sure wish Mom could have been here with us for all of these happy events but I know she was watching.

Hopefully, Dad will get through this bump in the road. It is hard on everyone when someone you love is hurting. Sometimes I wish we could fast forward through the difficult times but I know there are lessons to be learned from hardships.

Jill

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