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Hi it is that time of year again


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On December second it will be eight years sense I lost my Johnny. I have grieved for him so many months and years more than we had together. How can it have been only 5 months when I have loved him for a life time?

As with Ann ( we always seem to be in the same place) October and November were hard months 8 years ago. Days were filled with anxiety and panic attacks and I had little rest and quite frankly there were times I got short tempered. That has tormented me many times but in my heart I know that I did the very best that anyone could have under the circumstances. It is not easy being the sole caregiver for anyone but when it is the person who knows you inside out and who you know the same way it is so much harder as most of you know.

Now I see a friend from years ago going though those last days and I know the pain and helpless feelings that she is having without being told. When I get to Louisiana I have little doubt that he will be gone. I only hope that because I have been there that somehow I can be of help to her and her daughters. At least as much help as anyone can be. Knowing what is happening to him and seeing it described so plainly takes me back to a place in time that will always be the end of one life and the beginning of another. It is very painful coming as it is at this time of year that already is a weight on my heart.

I ask you all to say a little prayer again as I did on Facebook for Earl, and his family. While you are at it I think I could use one too. I can't help but wonder when if ever I will not relive those last days and the pain that they brought. Still at the same time I know that I have been blessed to have known such a wonderful love that it could have lasted through a lifetime apart and sustained me even now after all of this time alone.

Despite my sorrow for my friend and my own sad memories I do have some good news to report. I sent an email to Marisa today and got a reply. She is doing very well considering. She is so thankful that the brain tumor was removed last Spring and also that she decided not to have treatment for the lung cancer. She is convinced that she would not still be alive had she chose treatment. She says she is weak and thinner but happy and enjoying all of the time she has left. I am so grateful for that and that I have gotten to know her. She is truly and inspiration.

So my friends as always I seek you out when those bad days come and now I find myself reaching out to my LC family more and more in my heart when I feel the good things. God Bless you all for always being there. I will try to do better at giving support but as most of you know I do manage to keep pretty busy.

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Yes, Lil...we always go through these days at the same time...and I'm so glad we have each other. I know it sounds absolutely insane but my grieving seems to begin when the weather begins to change. There's a feeling when these sunny fall days begin and it's a feeling that makes my heart ache. I remember so many things about the days that led up to December 15th. I remember how Dennis loved his hunting and the fall was the time he loved the most. I remember the look in his eyes when his doctor told him he would not be able to make his annual hunting trip to Colorado, as he did the end of October every year. Almost as if a child would do, he begged the doctor and even tried bargaining with him. The doctor first told him that the "kick" from the gun could do severe damage to his spine, where the cancer was raging. Dennis replied that he wouldn't take the gun. He would just go with the guys, ride the horses up into the mountains and camp. The doctor next mentioned infections and the possibility of getting ticks from the horses. Then Dennis backed down about the horses, saying he could just make the trip...even if we just drove out in the car. The doctor and I had spoken about this in advance and he knew that Dennis could not have survived this trip. Dennis was like a broken man after this. Now, 8 years later, I have few regrets but one huge regret is that I didn't load him up in the car and make that trip to Colorado. Yes, he may have died on the trip but how he would have enjoyed the journey. As it ended, I had him with me for 6 weeks longer but those 6 weeks were not "life" as he had always known it. Oh...if I could make that decision over again!!! So...I still have his ashes with me and one of these days, on a fall day, I will make that trip to Colorado with Dennis by my side. I will open the box and release my love in the place where he loved.

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