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waiting is so hard...


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The waiting on news and updates and the sporadic times I get to talk to her on the phone and hear her voice...

She sounds so tired and all she says is "I miss you", I just want to tell you that I love you, love you, love you....

What goes thru her mind when she says that? Is she imagining dying? Does she think about that alot, is that what is causing the anxiety and panic attacks...they've gotten so bad that now she needs to be medicated and what little energy she has is now all gone...no more eating...no more conversation since about 5 days ago (with me). I think a lot about what is going thru her mind...my parents went into a coma shortly after entering the hospital so I beleive they were peacefully dreaming....until now, she has been lucid.

I miss her friendship and crazy laughter. I miss her fire....

I kick myself for getting this close to another person like this...I know sounds stupid, but in 8 years I've lost so many friends...thru it all I kept some perspective....SHE seeped into my life and became my family....and now, like my mom and dad, I'm losing her too....

I'm in the roller coaster and waiting to see what happens is draining me emotionally so very much....

I feel helpless. I feel hopeless....I feel sad.....

Please pray for my strength to be what she and family needs, to be what my work and my own family needs thru all of this.

Thank you all for letting me vent.....

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Katie, something Deb told me before she died was this, "If I see the light I am going to that light, But I will not turn around and look for that light!!" I do not know if this helps in any way but hope it does! I know how you feel with all the losses here!

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Oh Katie. For the first time I can come on this board and say I understand, I really understand.

I wondered the same thing the last few days with mom. She kept telling me she was ready and when I told her it was ok to let go when she was ready she said "How do you let go? I don't know how." She would get so agitated struggling for breath and then at times she would get very calm. It is so very hard to watch and to wait. I wanted to keep her with me as long as possible and yet I also wanted her to be at peace. She kept saying that if she wasn't ever going to feel any better then she was ready. It is hard to feel anything be helpless. You love them so much you hurt either way.

I will keep you in my prayers for strength and for courage. You get close because you have a deep capacity for love. You started this board out of love and you keep doing what you are doing out of love.

We love you too. So now it is time for us to hold you close.



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I too understand this - even if my experience is decades old. I remember asking my Dad how he was able to do it. He said he had already been through so much loss (all the grandparents, and I guess WWII), that it was easier. And then he lost another wife, and all his siblings, and his daughter.

As the one with lc, I am trying hard to find the detachment necessary to be at peace with this and what will come. But know that I am well aware of what it feels to experience the loss and I hate that I may leave my father and my sweetie to experience this once again.

Thanks for bringing this up - it has been on my mind a lot lately and I needed a small cry and disclosure.

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I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry or anyone upset.

I was being selfish and venting. I try to keep things to myself, especially here on LCSC because all of you are experiencing so much and have been thru so much and are still going thru so much.

I was having a bad day...and to be honest, Connie is the only friend I have I can talk these things thru with.

When someone has bad scans or is doing poorly, or we loose someone from here or my in-person support group and it shatters my heart to pieces- SHE would talk to me, let me vent, encourage me to move forward and we would help each other with laughter and friendship.

My so called friends from "real" life and church don't want to talk about cancer, death or the sadness that follows what I've been doing for 8 years. My own husband avoids talking about it almost completely aside from advocacy efforts and logistics....

I have no one to talk to and it's hard pretending to be strong all the time.

And this has been so difficult for me to wrap my head around...the one person I can talk to about this--this is happening to HER. And it's NOT SUPPOSED to be happening to HER.... (((sigh)))

I felt the same way when my mom was in her comma for 8 days and died. Those 8 days I kept thinking...I've got to call mom and tell her what's happening....odd huh? because it was happening to mom and I wasn't able to talk to mom about it...

I'm talking in circles....I"m sorry.

I was having a lonely and sad day. I didn't mean to upset anyone with my post.

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Oh sweetie, you didn't upset us. We know your angst. What you do is so amazing, but you set yourself up for agony with each of us that you befriend. WE come here, we fall in love with you, and then some of us don't make it. We get your pain.

What I'm going to say next may not be popular. But this is where I am at. My life has been hell. I've lost so many to cancer, breast, brain and lung. If they come back and tell me my cancer is back, I doubt I will fight again. I've lost so many, and while I don't want to "give up", I also don't want to put my family through the hell of last ditch efforts to save my life when I know my life is not mine. It is God's, and I look forward to seeing the light and His love and being there.

So just know how much we love you, and want to support you because you embrace us in spite of your losses, and that means so much to us.

You are a dear....and very loved.

MI Judy

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Katie I just want you to know that my heart aches for you. Just this evening I went back and read most of my private messages sense I joined this board. Let me tell you it really upset me. We have lost so many sense I joined here. As you know I too have lost many of the people I love in my life time.

You always think that you will become hardened and death won't affect you the way it did. I have found out through experience that is not the case. It gets harder not easier. I wish I could tell you it will be alright, but how would I know that? Just know that no matter what happens God is in charge. Be thankful that He gave you such a good friend to be there after your parents were gone.

There have been times when I felt so cheated because after all of the years apart Johnny and I only had a year on the phone and 5 months together. Then I stop and think how close I came to missing those 5 months and despite the pain I am so thankful. I can't imagine my life without that 5 months and the changes and strength loving Johnny brought into my life. Be thankful for the time you have and rejoice for the love of such a dear friend. You will be in my prayers tonight. You do so much for so many. don't give up on caring. The gift you receive will far outweigh the pain in the long run.

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Like you are holding on for every drop of information - so are many of the board members. Not only just to offer one more prayer for Connie - but to make sure our shoulders are there for Our Katie if needed. Because like Katie - she is a friend to many on this board. Just like you know when some here need your shoulder - isn't it fair that ours are available for you. I don't think that caring for the people here is a "choice" - you just do it - you smile and cry at the good news and you shake your head, sigh and shed tears at the bad news. You offer prayers of thanks for good news and prayers of please help for bad.

Encouragement - I hope it is what we give each other. Those that are charging through the days and those that are needing a shoulder to get through the day. It is not hard to cry for those that are getting bad news - and there are several that I could cry for right now. But I think for some, like you Katie, that once those tears are shed your strength has room to take over again. The tears are important - they build you up to face a new day, fight a new fight, be our shoulder again. And hopefully you realize that venting here gives us an opportunity to offer our shoulders to cry on and arms to virtually hug - you are after all human. So let emotions run their course - that is how we gain the strength to fight another day and climb the next obstacle they put in our way.



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Oh, Katie....we all love you so!!! You know better than to apologize to us for pouring your heart out! We always love you and understand. Most of us have experienced this same feeling of hopelessness that you have and we know it's not a good feeling. I know how lonely you feel and I also know the feeling of not having anyone that really understands how you feel. I don't think it's possible for anyone to know how if feels to deal with cancer unless they've actually been there. For years, I used to try and sympathize with people and tell them I understood how they were feeling. Guess what??? I don't do that anymore because I don't know how they're feeling unless I am talking to someone that has lost someone they love to cancer. I do know how that feels and it's terrible!!!

Since losing your dad, you have given so much of yourself to help others. You need to feel so good about that. Try and put yourself in "her" shoes. She's always been there for you AND you've been there for her. Try and focus on the amount of joy you've brought into "her" life and remember how much she loves you. You have made a difference for all of us!!! I know you've felt so very lost since you lost your dad and then your mom. But...just think about how many moms and dad you have now!!! We all are holding you in our hearts right now and saying prayers that God will guide you along on this difficult journey.

If you need to talk....cry....scream, I'm here. Just call!!!


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I have no one to talk to and it's hard pretending to be strong all the time.

No apologies Katie. You said it all for many of us with that one simple sentence. Dealing with cancer, either as a caregiver or survivor, you can't get it unless you've been there. This place serves the purpose of having some one to talk to aout it and not having to be strong all the time. It's here for us and most certainly here for you. We're here Katie, any time.

Judy in KW

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