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Sorry, I've missed you


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Hi guys, I'm sorry I disappeared. My life has fallen into shambles and I don't know how to deal with it. My husband is very angry about my health issues, and it seems like he thinks everything I do is stupid and I feel like he hates me. It's complicated.

I am going to the U of M hospital tomorrow to find out the results of blood tests. The dilantin is totally helping me, but it's not a medication that I can stay on for very long, which terrifies me. I finally feel good after 3 years of suffering, and they tell me I can't stay on it. He is not going with me, because I feel that I'm such a burden to him that I don't want to inconvience him anymore than I have.

We were supposed to go to Hawaii in 9 days, and I told him tonight that I didn't want to go. I don't want to go on a trip that has us fighting and arguing.

I'm feeling defeated and broken right now. I've been with this man for 22 years. He is now sick and tired of me being sick. What do I do with that?

So.....sorry....I don't have much to contribute here in a positive way....I feel desperate and sad....Hugely sad.....

MI Judy

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Oh Judy,

My heart is breaking for you.

I haven't been in your shoes, but I have been my husbands caretaker for many years. I have found myself getting tired of so many things dependent upon his health. When it has gotten too much for me, I have taken a few days and gone away. This has always helped me get a fresh outlook on things.

I hope you can find some support. Counseling would be good for both of you. Are there services in Gilda's Club that could help you?

We have missed you. You don't always have to be positive.

Please keep us updated on your health and situation.

Many hugs coming your way.


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Judy--I'm so sorry things are looking so bleak right now. I'm delighted that you've had some physical relief lately, but I so understand how frightened you must be that what has provided that can only be a 'short term' fix. And your situation with your husband just sounds heartbreaking.

I'm praying for some brightness to come peaking through for you and for some healing to come both in your body, and in your marriage. I hate what this disease and illness can do to so much more than just a single body and I hate that you are dealing with those farther reaching 'side effects' right now.

I know you don't know me super well, but I have admired you since your first post here and just hate to hear that things are so hard right now. Like I say, I'm praying for light to pierce through it all for you right now.

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Morning Judy,

Just taking a bit of time out to respond to you before I set off for work.Really been missing you,I am really sorry to read of your difficulties,it isnt really surprising that relationships get stretched to breaking point with the stress of dealing with prolonged illness.

The trip to Hawaii?before you mentioned it,the first thing I thought of was a vacation for both of you,to find each other again in a completely new environment away from the normal daily routines,with a possibility of meeting new friends also.I know you do not feel up to it,and it may not be the panacea for all your problems,but just maybe it will give you both a wee chance to iron out your differences.Talk,Talk, is better than walk walk.Your marriage is worth the effort.

I hope you can find some long term relief from your spasm problem.Sorry Ive got to get a move on,picking Jennifer up en route to work,I will post you this evening.Bye just now,keep your chin up.Lots of love-Eric.

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Judy, sorry to read you are going through a bit of a rough spot. Like Eric, I think the trip would do both of you some good. I understand your concerns over the short term health relief but hopefully they will find a long term relief that is even better.

Judy you do not always have to post positive post. We really missed you here. You are always so great in supporting other's on this site and your online family is here to support you as well when things are not going perfectly. Take care.

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I am sorry for what you are (both) going through. Not too many individuals post about what this monster does to relationships and marriages but believe me what you are going through happens a lot. Many people I've been close with on this board have shared the heartache they have gone through with their spouse and felt they were no longer loved.

But that said, it can get better. It can make you closer if you work at it. You can make it better than it was before - honest. Let him vent his frustration and talk it out. You've both lost a lot -- don't make it worse by canceling your dream trip. Go to Hawaii.

Next time you come this way let me know. I am not that far from Ann Arbor.

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Judy, glad our group "missing you" got you to check in. I am so sorry for your relationship troubles. My husband has been disappointed twice with remissions that didn't last. I know the caregivers just want to see an end. I've stopped relying on him for things I can do (except taking over cooking lol) and try to keep life as normal as possible for him. But as surivors, we're not perfect either. With the stress of another progression and going on Tarceva, I saw myself slipping back into wanting him to drive me to dr's appointments instead of taking myself. Self-awareness is the first step to change and I'm determined to stamp out unnecessary dependency. Of course there's a fine line between that and being able to allow someone to help us.

Hang in. I agree you should go to Hawaii. You would be punishing yourself as well as him if you don't go. You can use it as a time to work thru things or treat it like a vaca with a friend and concentrate on the healing possibilities for you personally.

Good luck with the tests. Hope this time they find the majic bullet

Judy in KW

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First of all - no matter how you are feeling like everyone - I'm glad you posted. Even though I'm not going through the same thing you are with the horrible pain - I can tell you I have been a terrible pain to my better half. We have had our ups and downs and like the others I agree you should go to Hawaii - especially if the medication will last you through the trip. Take the time to tell him how you honestly feel too - turn all those things you helped people here with on yourself and meet in the middle. I know - very easy for all of us to say - and not so easy to do. But you have given so many here a helpful word or two maybe it is time for us to offer our shoulders - everyone needs a little shoulder sometime - even our caregivers no matter how strong they want to appear to be. An I appreciate you hug goes a long way, saying thank you for all you do goes farther - holding hands in Hawaii priceless!!!


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I am so sorry that on top of all of your medical problems that you are experiencing relationship problems - just not fair.

I was the caregiver and I am a woman. Do I think being a woman caregiver is different than being a man. Kind of. I think women have more patience, more nurturing.

I agree, Hawaii is a yes. Once there, with that beautiful weather and scenery, have the 'we have got to get this straighened out' talk.

Also, why can't you stay on the dilantin? If you were epileptic you could be on it for life or does lc have something to do with it.

Keep us posted, we get nervous when you disappear.

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Oh Judy I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties with your hubby. You have so much to deal with and it's just not fair that this has been added to the mix.

I hope, like the others said, that you will reconsider going on your trip. Perhaps away from the stress of every day life you two can talk it out. It is, undoubtedly, one of the harder vows when we marry ... "in sickness" (and "in health" is the easy one). I agree with Sue that perhaps counselling in the future can help get to the root of the issues and help with communication between the two of you.

I am sad that you are sad, but I am glad that you shared with us.

It isn't always sweetness and light in our lives - whether it be cancer, other illnesses, or relationships suffering - it is something we all experience and you should never feel that you can't lean on us in times of trouble. You are always there for everyone else ... let us lend a shoulder to you now Judy.



P.S. Keeping everything crossed that your appointment went well today.

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Sorry you're going through this, Judy. When we say for better or worse, sometimes we don't know just how worse the worse will get.

If you don't want to air out every detail here, I understand, but we all sure do want to hear from you, whether it's good or bad news. Here's hoping the appointment went well today.

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Thank you everyone! Reading these really lifted my spirits! And I got good news today at the University. It's no news, but that is sometimes the good news. They said they found nothing in my blood to indicate cancer. Yeah! But they also found nothing else wrong. Not so yeah. But he was greatly encouraged by how well I'm responding to the Dilantin! He said to stay on the 4 pills a day for six months, see how I do, come back and see him them. He may wean me off them at some point to see if it was just something that came and went. He has seen that with other patients.

What's good is that I trust him, and that is huge.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I am going to Hawaii, and will take your wonderful advice.

Judy in MI

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... and a new day begins! Yee haw Judy - I am so delighted to read that there is NO cancer and that you can stay on the meds that are helping for at least the next six months. What a relief that must be!

... and the good news continues ... Hawaii here you come! I'm not certain if you have been before but I visited twice when I was younger and still yearn to return as it is the most glorious paradise. Enjoy the trip Judy - I hope it's like a second honeymoon!

Hugs and more hugs,


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