Helping my grieving Mom- Advice

[kristinj]

Hi Friends,

It has been a month and a half since we lost our Dad on November 2. His battle was short- 2 months- but, arduous. Now, we are in full on support mode for one another, but mainly, my Mom. She is just so sad, but is also angry with the doctors, hospital, nurses, the whole thing. I just do not know what to say to her that can provide comfort. I really do not think that there is anything, but, it is so hard to hear her sadness and not be able to help. I am also not in that place with her, so I am not sharing the same emotion. I feel a certain peace and acceptance of my Dad's passing and while I am miss him terribly and get hit by waves sometimes, I also know how much joy and love he brought to all of us. He lived a wonderful life and the way that I can testify to that, is by celebrating and living the best way that I can.

Mom will not be there for a while. It is so painful to watch her sadness and grief. Thanks for listening. Happy Holidays.

Kristin

[Joppette]

Hi Kristin,

Ah, I can relate to this post so well. My Dad died from cancer young, and my Mom was only 52 when he died. Her grief obviously was very different from mine. I can only imagine what it would be like to have a spouse pass. He was her soul mate, her best friend, her partner, and now????? That's what she's feeling....the and now what???????

She must be feeling right now like her whole life has ended, and she does not know how to go on. All we can do is listen, love, dole out lots of hugs, and be there for her.

You may want to see if there is a Gilda's Club near you. I didn't notice where you live, but Gilda's Club has a grief program that might suit her. Or check with your local Hospice organizations. They have good grief support systems too. But do understand if she's not ready to share her grief. Everyone's grief is different.

I hope this helps a little.

Take care,

Judy in MI

[jean44]

Hi Kristin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I lost my Dad to lung cancer 7 years ago. I remember the pain and heartache of losing him.

That being said, I lost my husband 16 months ago to lung cancer and his loss totally devastated me. I am still trying to cope with his loss.

I am not, by any means trying to lessen the loss of your Dad, but when you lose your soul mate, it is so different. I believe in the loss, you have lost a part of yourself and I am having a hard time finding myself again. I am sure your Mom is questioning what her life will be like now without him. Today, I can only see it as a bleak future.

I am trying to move forward because I wasn't given a choice but, it is not easy.

I did find some comfort in one on one grief counseling and group counseling that I was offered through Hospice. While they were a great help in providing coping skills and thoughts on how to help work through the grief, there is no magic pill. In the end, I believe it is something deep within us that helps us to survive the things we cannot survive that get us through.

Good luck to your Mom. I know her pain and would encourage her to do whatever she can to make herself feel better. There is no easy answer. I wish there was.

Will keep your Mom and your family in my prayers.

Jean

[RandyW]

4 years 10 m0nths and 29 days here chiming in! the way I dealt with it was a little different. Being a guy dont really do the group hug thing but thats just me. I tried a little different therapy and am doing pretty good these days! recommended home therapies are these 2 things;

1) throw eggs. Sounds crazy but cheap and efficient. coupled with some yelling and occasional cursing it really worked well got everything out of my system. kinda noisy sometimes but transference of grief is good for getting it out of the body and mind!!

2) is a little bit quieter though. tell her to talk to her husband. Just go out side or find a quiet place and have a long chat. tell everything that happened during the day. cry, scream at them for leaving so suddenly just get it out there somehow

3) Keep a journal for yourself write down thoughts fears everything you want to get off your mind during the day or end of the day. then put the journal away until next time!!

good Luck and hope something helps. SHe can get through this with help love and support ! Grief is bad but can be beaten though..

Hugs and prayers for all of you at Christmas!!

[lilyjohn]

I have to chime in on this one.Sometimes the only thing that really helps is the sadness, if that makes any sense. Losing anyone is painful and hard to get past but when that someone is your soulmate it is so much harder.

I agree with Randy about letting the anger out and the journal. At anytime her loss would be devistating but so close to the holidays is much harder. You look around and people are celebrating and you want to scream at them to stop, Don't they know the world has ended?

Your mom is going to be sad and angry. Not sure why the anger at the doctors but I had a lot of issues with the doctors who were supposed to take care of my Johnny. You have to realize one thing. Your mom loves you and the rest of your family but she feels alone. Someone on this board once made a remark that I have never forgotten because it is so true. When you lose your soulmate you are no longer the most important person in someones life. You may have children and grandchildren but they have others, maybe a spouse of their own or children. Everything she once did or thought about was shared with her soulmate or spouse now they are alone.

When you are alone for the first time or for the first time in many years you have a lot of adjusting to do. Looking forwrd that seems impossible. It feels much safer to live in the past where our loved one shared life with us and where the future wasn't so frightening. Time helps but it will not end her grieving. It will only make it more a part of everyday life and she will notice it less.

Give her time and let her grieve. Sadness and grief now may keep her from having a lot of serious problems later. As Randy said throwing things and shouting are good and keeping a journal is really one of the biggest helps. You can say things there that no one ever has to see. You can write a letter to your lost soulmate and somehow feel less alone.

There is no majic pill to get her through this. In the end it is the one thing that she had that will see her through, their love for one another. I hope that we have helped but if not her maybe you will understand a little better. Love her, be there and let her grieve in her own way. I promise some day it will get better.