RandyW Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 what has this experience been like for those that have moved on after a spouse?? how many are left here in this situation? did you have any dreams or signs?? any issues or regrets (?)? how did you get to that point after your other half passed away?? have tried the dating thing and not had much luck but then again no regrets about doing it and have had 2 separate dreams about pursuing a relationship with her permission as in the dream she has "moved on" in her life per se ! just trying to sort out some weird thoughts here right now as it is coming up 5 years!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I guess it depends on what you call moving on. For me moving on was realizing that I am alive. I lost a part of myself when Johnny died and then again when my ex husband died. They were both so much a part of my life that they were a part of me. I have found my place in this life. I can honestly say that I am happy most of the time. I get lonely but I am lonely even with people around me. I am lonely for what I have lost. Realizing that life goes on and one door closes and others open is not easy. I thought about having another man in my life but realized how unfair that would be to so many. Any man would be second best to Johnny and I lived a lot of my life that way. Any other man would be cheated because I could never give him the kind of love I have for Johnny. The memory of Johnny and even Denis would be cheated because I would know that I gave up the person I have become to belong to someone who could never be what they had. I am older than you are Randy so it is easier for me. That doesn't mean that there haven't been times when I was desperate for someone to just hold me again. To know what it is like to be the most important person in someones life. There are times I have ached to share my dreams and my heartaches with someone and let's be honest even times I would want to share my bed. I know that Johnny would want me to be happy but I also know that he would never want me to settle so I moved on doing things that are dear to my heart. For the first time in my life I am really free. I have no one to answer to if I want to go somewhere. I don't have to hurry home or wonder what to cook or eat because it is time to have a meal that someone else chooses. I like being independent but Always inside of me is that hole. That empty spot that reminds me of what I had and what I was never fortunate enough to have. It reminds me of how precious every moment of love is and it reminds me of how lucky I am to have known a love so special as I had with Johnny. I was also lucky that when we were separated all of those years ago to meet and marry a good man. My marriage wasn't the best. A lot of issues but still Denis was a good man. I could have done so much worse. I live every day with hope. Hope that someday I will meet everyone I have loved and lost. There have been so many from my parents and brothers to dear friends and Denis and last but not least my heart , my dream and my hope that was Johnny. I know someday I will be with them again and in the mean time I strive to do things that I hope would make them proud of me and I try to be true to myself. Moving on is a state of mind not always a state of circumstances. One time while I was traveling with my husband I started thinking of all the things that could go wrong while on the road. I was very frightened and almost wanted to go home. Then in a little gift shop in Pigeon Forge Tennessee I came across a plaque that read. " Hello, this is God. Today I am in charge and you need to worry about nothing. What you need I will provide and your life and health are in my hands. I love you so be at peace and leave today to me." What better advice could anyone ask for When it is right and if it is meant to be someone will come along or you will find something that fills that place in your heart to hold it for Deb when you are reunited. Best wishes and care to you Randy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thanks for the response Lillian. That is where I am now. Love the independence but miss the companionship. just feels empty in one spot inside. I miss hugs the most I think.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I understand Randy. With me it was and still is the snuggling. Johnny loved to snuggle. At times I find myself talking to him. Something happens that is funny or sad or interesting that I think he would feel like I do about and I talk to him about it. I ache to have him answer me out loud but most of the time he answers in my heart. We knew each other so well that I can hear his answers or comments. So I move on in my way but it takes very little to take me back to that feeling like something is eating away at my insides, that need that no one or nothing can fill except a man who has been gone for 8 years now. I don't remember the exact date but I know it was sometime the end of January or first of February 1959 when I walked into my brother's house to take part in night of country music. I was just a few days shy of 15 and I heard a voice that captured my attention and before the night was over, the man who owned it captured my heart and has never let it go these past 52 years. Yesterday I went to see Country Strong. The movie opened with the co star singing in a honky tonk and my heart got that old ache for what should have been, for what never had a chance. Johnny had a talent that could have compared or surpassed so many of the country singers and song writers who have come along over the years. He had followers but never any one to support him so he never realized his dream and because someone else thought they know what was best for me and him we never had a chance for more than those precious 5 months that would prove to be the last days of his life. As I said I have found my place in this life but it is a precarious place. Everyday I fight to hold on to it. Moving on is a state of mind but the heart always wants to go back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 thank you that helps a lot for me right now.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pipfitz Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Randy, I don't visit here often but you're such a stalwart I thought I'd reply. Don't know if I'm any help, though, it's all so different for everyone - and different at different times. Gerry died over three years ago. I've had five girls to bring up and they keep me going. But it is lonely (though I'm never alone) and rather than moving on I try to work on managing that sense of loss. ee cummings poem about carrying his heart in my heart is how I feel. Seeing someone else might be fun - so I keep up social engagements and remain open to possibilities. No one come along yet, and maybe that's just how it's meant to be at the moment. My mother-in-law and my grandmother both lost their husbands at about the age I am now - neither so much as dated again, they both held their husbands in such high affection maybe they couldn't. But they both lived long and happy lives after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 thank you for posting that and taking the time to respond!!it does help some just knowing others experiences!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sis Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 (((Randy))) Know I'm thinking of you as the 5 year date approaches. Don't forget to go outside and talk to those stars above Greensboro. Deb's watching over you each day. Take care. Ellie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 thank you and hope your doing well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 ((((Randy)))), How can it be nearly 5 years for us? For you , it will be in just a day or so and for me about another month and a half , but for both of us , at times, it seems like it was just yesterday. I'm still amazed at how painful the loss still is for me. People say to keep busy and yes, I do better when I am busy and not thinking about Mike, but as soon as I let myself think about him I fall apart again and again. I miss him so much and I'm really struggling without him. I want to get to the point where I can remember the good times and not cry. In the meantime, I let myself feel the grief and express it even if it results in a long hard cry because I think it's worse if you try to stifle your feelings. Dreams, yes I have many . In some he is well and in some he is sick, but in all he is always helping me with something. Oh , how I need his help now.. I had one very vivid and wonderful dream on the Christmas eve the year he died.. he came to me and made love to me and I woke up feeling so comforted and I felt it was his Christmas present to me. I am not sure how I feel about my dreams.. I don't know if they are my sub concious mind taking over or whether they are visits from Mike, but I do believe our loved ones are with us in spirit. I find myself talking to him, but when I do I cry. Dating, is furthest from my mind right now. Trying to be positive and find out who I am without him is where I still am. If I ever reach that point, I don't believe I will feel guilty at all. I know that if I had died first, I would want Mike to be happy again and if he found someone else to love that would be wonderful. I feel that just because you find someone else to love it can never replace the love you have for them, it will just be another love in your life. Randy, I do believe that Deb , Mike and all of our loved ones would want for us to be happy. I wish you peace and much happiness in your days ahead. May the anniversary date of Deb's passing be filled with many good memories and may it pass gently for you.. Big Hugs, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Randy, I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you but, as you know I am still struggling with the loss of Thom. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with living each day without him. I always knew if I lost him, it would be difficult but, I NEVER thought my heart would ache as bad as it does for so long. Given the choice, I wish I could have been buried with him. Good luck and if you find that "magic" pill, please let me know. Take care, Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Obviously it is way too soon for me to consider moving on, just shy of three short months since I lost my soul mate. I'm lonely, but I'm lonely for Gene, not someone else. It may not always be that way. Gene's mom is a widow of about 30 years, she never so much as dated. Before Gene ever got sick he would worry about his Mom being lonely and on two occassions after he was diagnosed he told me that he "didn't want me to be like Mom, for gosh sakes at least date". I don't know what I'll do 3, 5 or even 10 years down the road but I do know that whatever it is Gene will be okay with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 thanks for responses! reading these gives me some inner peace in knowing more about who is where in this thing called grief and loss. his is the worst part sadly because it holds the worst memories. I would take any other day of the year over this one! sadly I can still see holes in walls from anger and can quote that fateful phone call word for word and tell you the exact minute the phone rang and every single event of that weekend.. something I wish I could forget but its burned into my memory... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ts Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Randy, You need to patch those holes and put on a fresh coat of paint. You'll scare the girls away otherwise. Think of it like the girls do - a new haircut and a fresh ensemble can work a world of wonders. Take good care of yourself this weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I understand about every minute burned into your memory. It is something we will always live with and it does change how we see, feel and think. Right now I am feeling like to world's biggest coward for not being at the hospital every minute with my sister in law. Last night when I took her hand it was so cold and looking at that machine took me back 8 years and as much as I love her I wanted to run screaming from that place. So don't you worry about how it is you take care of you. Feel the pain and the loss but above all don't forget to feel the love. I will remember you this weekend Randy and my heart will ache for you as it does for so many of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 Lillian its also about a spiritual presence as well as physical presence.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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