Seven Months Today

[ronvrens]

I awoke this morning and just felt down as I remembered that it was seven months ago that my wife Pat passed away so suddenly. She was on my mind all day and even now as I write this short posting the grief is heavy in my heart.

There have been times that I have managed not to constanly think of Pat but that is when I have my children or friends around.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about our life together and especially the good times. I have also wondered what we would be doing if cancer had not taken her so suddenly.

I have had some guilt feelings that maybe I didnt do enough for her when she was undergoing the treatment that just seemed to make her worse.

I have found peace with a lot of issues that were worrying me and the prople i feel did not do enough.

The worst time for me is when I am alone and theres no one to talk to and share my feelings with.

I have learnt to laugh again and have got accustomed to doing things for myself and also doing things that we always did together like shopping.

Thank you all for being there for me in times I have needed support and just a kind word.

Ronnie

[lilyjohn]

Unfortunately Ronnie there are many of us here who understand only too well what you are going through. I don't even have to have a calender to tell me when it is the anniversary of some important event in the time of my Johnny's illness and treatment or the when it is getting near the date that took him away from me. Those dates seem to be written on my heart and there is no escape. Time does make it easier to cope but you are still too early to even imagine that it will get better or I should say easier to handle.

Randy's post about moving on got me to thinking about this very thing. As I told him moving on is a state of mind but the heart always wants to go back to the time when we could hold our loved one again and hear their laughter and see their tears. Grief is not something that just heads out toward a time when the pain is gone. Grief gets us to a point where the loss is bearable, a point where it has become so much a part of who we are that we don't always notice it. Sometimes it is 10 steps forward and then one or two steps back, other times it seems like we are always moving back instead of ahead.

I know beyond a doubt that there are no words to comfort you. I wouldn't even try because I have been where you are. There are no words to take the pain away. Right now I am sure you feel there is no hope of it ever being less but it will when the time is right for you. I wish you well and I wish you only those good memories and I want to remind you that guilt is a natural part of grieving. The should've, would've and could've have no place in your life. Let them go and know that you are not alone. We do understand.

[RandyW]

Ron if you let the guilt consume you it will eat you alive. you did everything you could have done for Pat. Only god knows when and how we die and it is in his hands. I know how you feel because I have been there almost 4 and a half years ago. Deb passed 4 years 11 months 3 weeks and 5days ago at 3 am. we never forget the ones we love the most, we just make the best of our lives until we join them in heaven!

[Nick C]

Ronnie,

Those monthly reminders are tough. Every time you see that day, it's a reminder. It's great to hear you are remembering the good times.

The guilt...we all understand the tendancy to feel it, but seriously, LC deals us a crap hand...guilt is for when you have good options and don't take them...you have nothing to feel guilty about. Like Katie said, take it easy on yourself!!