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it is hard to see it again


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I just came from the hospital. My sister in law Sherrell is in her last hours. We were told that she may not make it through the night. I didn't want to believe it but after seeing her I know that it is true.

My brother Harold died in 1974, she has been my sister longer than he was my brother. They married when she was only 14. I am devastated at the thought of loosing her but I know it is coming. Being there took me back to some places I will always revisit in my mind.

I remember the 10 days of waiting in ICU when Harold was dying. I remember being in almost a trance because at the same time my family in Louisiana was being threatened by a major huricane. I remember the fear and disbelief when he was gone. I had never experienced the death of someone as close.

I had such a urge to run to run from what was happening I had no idea it was just the beginning. Just a few months later Johnny's sister Betty was murdered and even though I had not seen her in 14 years I felt the loss of her so deeply. Four years later it was my oldest brother and seven years later both my brother Arthur and my mom. Later my dad.

I thought when they died that I would get used to the pain. That death wouldn't touch me so deeply again. Then I found and lost Johnny and the world tipped and life has never been the same. Just a few years later it was my ex husband Denis then my oldest friend Carol and then Johnny's brother Harold. There have been so many more.

I felt the walls closing in on me in that hospital tonight. I felt that same sense of unreality that I had the morning that I lost Johnny. I know the end is coming for Sherrell and my heart breaks for her and all of us. I know she will be with Harold again and I am glad for that but my heart aches for our loss and so many years that I spend away from her too. My heart is always scattered around in different places, being pulled from one loved one to another and one place to another.

I am sorry for rambling. This loss we are facing is weighing heavy on my heart tonight. I also learned that my cousin Ruby who was pronounced cancer free just a couple of weeks ago is in the hospital nothing but a cold and possible phumonia but still very frighting because of her history of lung cancer.

Please keep my family in your prayers tonight and say a special one for Sherrell, she is such a dear person and I don't want to have her suffer.

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