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Eyelashes, gardens and Iron Butterfly

Nick C

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Yesterday was Sophie's birthday and two weekss ago we welcomes Nicholas to the world. How different things are versus 3 years ago.

When Sophie was born those eyes looked at me and I saw my mother. I felt lost without mom. My entire relationship with my daughter was HEAVILY intertwined with the love and loss of my mother.

Two weeks ago was emotional meeting my boy, but so different. I'm different. He's different. Yeah, mom wouldd have loved a boy. I definitely thoought of mom and talked to little Nicholas about his grammy. But it's so different. It's just not as tangled. BUT Mom's pressence is still so missed and felt at the same time.

Keri lookedd at me after one of the first days home with the baby and said, "I really miss your mom, this whole thing must be so hard for you." I said it is, but I've got really good at it. Keri said "I just miss her so much." It's nice and comforting.

Well yesterday for Sophie'ss birthday we went on an adventure, and I am reminded oof how she is stilll so intertwined with my mother. Sophie wants to do a garden (my mother's hobby). She went too the agway with me aand picked seeds. She wantedd too go yesterday for her birthday to get cucumber seeds and while we were there she enthusistically picked sweet pea flower seeds and proclaimed them as "her favorite"...her face...my mother's when she found a new plant she weas excitedd about. Spring is coming! The days are getting longer!

Then Sophie and I went and had a birthday cupcake and some milk...she sat there, sipped from a straw, chocolate on her face, and batted her eyelashes...her long eyelashes with her giant eyes...it's still like looking at my mother.

So I type this while I listen to In-da-gadda-da-vida, with headphones, because it is the ONLY way to listen to it so my mother taught me (it's the drum solo...try it!). It's been about 4 1/2 years...which seems impossible. I have figured out that life does go on...it does...and she's still with me every day. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be so much more awesome to still have her here with us!

Just thinking of you today Mom.

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I really get it Nick, I found out I ws pregnant the same week my mom was diagnosed and have always felt that entwinement with my daughter and my mom. My daughter was 3 when my mom died and now she's about to turn 18 and graduate high school and it has really had me thinking about my mom alot and how she would have loved to be here for all of this.

I really believe it is a mourning for the relationship that could/should have been... between a grandmother and her granddaughter.

Happy Birthday to Sophie, You are a wonderful father and person and your mom is watching proudly.

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