KatieB Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 was having a pretty good day today...then he called to say he was going to the bahamas with this annoying woman...it's only been 5 months since my friend past away. I'm trying to be a grown up about this...people move on and deserve to be happy!! I know that. I want that....but it's been less than 5 months when he moved on over.... It doesn't help that I've met this woman twice before and she is dry and un personable and the complete opposite of my friend and if my friend were alive she'd be shocked... But she isn't alive...and it's HIS life now, right? Praying for peace (for myself!) and that I will not judge. Life is short, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annette Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Oh Katie - it's simply because you care so much for all of us. It's what makes you you - honestly how can anyone really get over someone so quickly - I think you'll find that like a lot of guys he's buried some stuff that will rupture later when he can deal with it - he's just not as capable as you are. And you are capable because you are a caring person - it's just your nature. Hope you feel better - Annette Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Wow that has to be so hard for you to hear! It has been 5 months since I lost Gene and I couldn't begin to imagine having someone else in my life BUT that is me. One thing I can say though is that your friend's husband is not "moving on" he is grieving and lonely but rather than face that dispair he is running. We have to allow ourselves the time and space to do the work of grieving, he isn't and unfortunately that is the worst thing he could do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 he might have a harder time than is letting on. there are a lot of issues after losing a spouse. may not work out might work out. You know Don has since married to a friend of Lucy's. I have tried the dating thing and its been hard sometimes so I don't really bother right now. also working all these hours kills it also.. I know its hard to watch someone do that and never know what will happen. Lots of our friends have made that transition big soft hugs to you!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieB Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Don't get me wrong.....I think everyone should be happy and be with someone and I'm so happy for our members who've remarried.... In 8 years I've offered support to patients, survivors, widows and families, I've never seen anyone move SO quickly... usually the men move a little quicker than the women and they date and begin to move forward at around the year mark...women usually at around year 2-3 (this is a generalization) or not at all.......and remember that right now it's been just 5 months that she passed away but he made these plans to go on the trip with the new lady a couple of months ago! He says he's already lost some friends over this and he's keeping it a secret from some people including family... I asked him why he told me and he laughed and said..."what are you gonna do about it?? !!!" he LOL... He made a joke. He told me he told me because I was the ONLY safe person he could talk about it too. I think that was really selfish of him. I don't live there. I didn't have to know. He didn't have to tell me anything. I wish he had not told me anything.... I understand feeling lonely and needing comfort...but really less than 5 months ? I thought I knew him... I thought he loved her? I can't wrap my head around that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ts Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Katie, I'm not sure how soon my Dad started dating after my Mom died, but he got married 1 year 3 1/2 months later. He only told us about her a month before the marriage (in a tacky Reno marriage church!) But I know he was incredibly lonely. He moved closer to my home and would call me to see if I would join him for dinner or just to sit with him while he ate. We looked at houses for him to buy and he kept looking at ones that were way too big - turns out he was looking for a house for them. So I think they met within months of her death. We were fairly appalled by his choice, but it lasted till her death some 17 years (?) later and he had company and someone to care for. He also helped support her two daughters through their young adulthood, marriages, and had the joy of a few grandkids. I know it says nothing about the love he had for our Mom. It still hurt a bit, partially because he did keep it a secret for so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieB Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 thank you so much for posting...that really puts it into perspective....he does still have a life to live....he should not be alone or lonely. I hope he has ALL the happiness in the world. I wish him companionship and love and to never be lonely. Life is very short... but I am pouting today and feeling bad for my friend...and for the way things used to be...the way they are still fresh in my mind.... I still think a couple of months after her death..with her sometimes "friend" at that, is just too soon....but really...that's just my problem I guess. (((hugs))) Thank you for letting me pout and rage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianew Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I would feel just the same way you do - just too fast and it somehow seems disrespectful at the least and uncaring at worst. Unfortunately some people don't seem to be able to manage being alone even for a few months, and they grab ahold of the first person to come along just to fill that void. Sadly, it often doesn't turn out well - but it keeps them from having to deal with the pain and lonliness, at least so they think. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ts Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 In the Jewish religion (orthodox anyway) the window/er is not permitted to be in the company of someone of the opposite sex, that is not a family member, unchaperoned, for a full year. It honors the departed but also helps the vulnerable mourner from making a fast mistake. Sometimes those traditions start to make some sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet B Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My father started dating within a few weeks of my mother's death. They had been married for 40 years. He put ads in the paper and called to brag about having 2 or 3 dates a day. He was married within the year. When his second wife died - he started dating again the day he got back from the funeral. He is not the same man that I knew my whole life or maybe as my sisters believe, he is, my mother just hid his faults well. It has been very hard, and our feelings for him have changed. I haven't reconciled it for myself Kate so I don't know how to help you through this - but what I try to do is focus on the happy times with my mom, the love, the joy - and put my dad and his behavior out of my mind. One thing I have learned having cancer - don't let the bad stuff get you down - there is too much good stuff to find joy in. (I also firmly believe that Mom and your friend are in heaven - where they only feel peace and love and forgiveness - not anger) peace - janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronvrens Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Its 9 months since Pat passed away.This left a void in my life that hurts. Yes Im also lonely as we were very close and even when I worked away from home and that includes Iran I tried to phone every day just to say hello and i love you. When I think of perhaps meeting someone just to ease the lonliness I shudder and feel that I would be a hypocrate to say how much I loved Pat and then start going out with someone else. i have also had a lot of comments about not getting someone else as a person is not supposed to be alone and all that other rubbish. I dont say it will never happen but at present I just dont seem to be able to even look at other women and think about a relationship. Perhaps I am different Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 been over 5 years and if your different, Ron, then, Me too!! your not alone . thr whole dating scene scares me. thats why I work so much... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trawna Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Katie, I SO understand your feelings. My Dad took another woman to Florida 4 months after my Mom died of cancer, and married her 14 months after her death. Mom tried to warn me about this likelihood just before she died of cancer, (she said he could not be alone for long), but I still was not prepared for it to be so soon. It created a huge rift between my Dad and I (which I do regret) but to be fair to her she did look after him well in his final days, and I am grateful for that. However she did go through his/my Mom's money quickly: spent it like a drunken sailor, and then left what was left to her (he bought her two condos, amongst other things for her), and of course she left it to her kids and left his own grandchild nothing except some souvenirs while her kids got everything that he and my Mom had worked so hard for all his life. He was terrified of being alone and trying to cope with all that it meant to be responsible for only himself ... I kind of get that ...In that two years after my husband's death I have often wanted to have someone who would just take it over, but I still cannot imagine getting involved with anyone else. I am fortunate in having a few good friends of both sexes who can help out when I am at my wit's end, but still cannot understand the rush to reinvolve myelf in another permanent relationship even two years later. Having said that ... i do think that there are people who really cannot cope on their own and may need a partner to help them negotiate through the rest of their lives, so I try not to be judgmental and just try to let it go. We are not in a position to judge other people, we can only do what our own possible is. After 39 years of marriage I can honestly say that in-laws are not a substitute for family, and neices and nephews are kind but do not really get it, so I understand the desire of some people for a close relationship, no matter what. i hope you can find peace and forgiveness in your heart for those who just cannot do without those relationships, no matter what you may think of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joppette Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Ron and Randy, I honor you both. Experience has shown me that insecure men do tend to find someone new quickly. Randy's brother was this way, to an extreme. His wife of 35 years died tragically of cancer, and he was married to a new wife in 3 months! Tragically this one died within a year of them being married of cancer too! And he found a third wife and married her within 3 months! His children were devastated. It destroyed the family. His only response was "I'm a man, and I absolutely can not live without a woman. Get over it." His third wife outlived him. He died at age 56 of lung cancer. Sad. MI Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy66 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Wow, so many stories of men meeting and marrying someone else so soon after losing their wife. My Mom passed away after about 13 years of being bedridden due to MS. My Dad did eventually begin dating a wonderful women, almost 2 years after my Mom had died, and not before calling all 4 of his adult children to make sure we were okay with it and understood no one could replace our Mom. I'm grateful for the love, care, and respect he showed her during her life and in death. I know first hand now what he went through watching her slip away and the pain of losing her. He was an amazing man and I'm glad that he did meet and date Betty, who made the last year of his life very happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 men tend to be the co dependants in relationships I think. women tend to be the caretakers. each can not function without the other. socialogical studies have taught this.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianew Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I remember when my grandmother died - my grandfather, who was 85 at the time, had been her caretaker for almost 10 years. When she died, they had been married over 65 years, but he was still a healthy and active 85 year old. We were traveling from San Diego, CA to Oregon, and were going to stop overnight at my grandfather's in Calif. We got there about 7:30 in the evening and found a note taped to the front door saying to come in, dinner was in the fridge, but he had a date and had gone dancing so not to wait up for him! I was in my 30s at the time and was pretty shocked! Turned out that the woman he was "dating" was an old friend, whose husband had also died. They did not marry, kept their own homes, did not mingle their finances because both had children, but spent almost all of their time together, as well as taking many trips. When my grandfather had to have surgery, she took him back to her house and took care of him until he could go home. He died at 94, after a very short illness - so they had 9 great years of companionship, but did it in such a way that no one was offended or upset (except of course for his granddaughter who didn't think he was acting "old" enough for his age)! Now of course I think they had a pretty good idea and is another option for those who don't feel the need to be married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 Boy are we all coming out of the woodwork to respond to this topic. First Katie, I am sorry you have to deal with your disappointment with your friend's husband. And no, he didn't need to tell you. The fact that he felt the need to dump it on you suggests a guilty conscience. No matter how often we say people deserve to be happy and we don't judge--well, I think we do. We may not want to admit it but we all admire Randy, Ron, Katy's Dad and Diane's Grandfather. These men have or are still dealing with their grief. My hope for Randy and Ron is that they find a way as dignified as the other two did to find a new life partner. People, men or women, who need to quickly move another warm body in the place of their lost loved one appear, in my mind at least, to be weak. I for one also try not to judge but have difficulty seeing the new relationship as anything but superficial. Judy in KW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 This is fascinating. #1, Katie, I didn't even contemplate a friend being moved the way you have been. But it makes total sense. #2 I do think men (general broad stroke statement) move on, at least from what we've seen here. #3 Either way, it can't be easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieB Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 thanks everyone. and I felt more like family to her than like a friend- which is probably why this bothers me so much...I can't imagine what her "real" family will think about it all.... She was a member here until she passed away....you know who I'm talking about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Yeah, totally true family isn't determined by blood... I wonder how I will feel when my mom's boyfriend one day meets someone. He is a great guy and deserves someone. Still, I'm sure it will be "odd". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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