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Surrogate Father


lilyjohn

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I was going through some old papers and found this from several years ago. I think about now we could all use a good laugh so here goes. Enjoy.

Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half and hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to________"

"oh no need to explain. I've been expecting you, "Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. " Well, good! I've made a specialty out of babies. "That's what my husband and I hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too_________ you can really spread out". “ Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.""My, my that's a lot of ___" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it, " Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "this was done on the top of a bus." " Oh my god!!Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. " And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith " yes I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes". the photographer said. " and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. " you mean they actually chewed on your um ___equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod???" "oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on, it's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?________ good Lord, she's fainted!!!”

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