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dragonflies and dreams


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I so rarely post in this forum these days, but like all of you, I have my days when I am more reflective and think about those I love.

It's been crazy busy for me lately. Travelling every 3 weeks or so and it's been all simply amazing but I'm tired and I'm worn down a little.

Some of you might remember way back when my dad passed away I would always see dragonflies...they would land right on my arm and they were so beautiful. Once at the DFW Memorial Cemetary (a military cemetary with no water or gardens) I was engulfed in dragonflies...I was having a big cry and then they flew all around me and I was just in awe...it was as if I were in a funnel, a sand storm of dragon flies and it was so beautiful.

I always felt my dad around me when I saw dragonflies.

When my mom suddenly passed away 3 years later the dragonflies never came back. Perhaps it was because my parents were together again...maybe it was all a coincidence...who knows...but they disappeared.

About 5 months before ConnieB died she called me completely out of breath (and at this time in perfect health we thought) telling me her entire front yard was covered in dragon flies....something she has never seen before in 25 years! She was kicking herself for not having a camera and she told me she had to call me immediately because she thought of my dad. (she knew of my daddy way before he died)

I had not seen a dragon fly in about 3 years.

At the end of May I was in a leadership conference (indoors) I was all alone and feeling lonely (mother's day without my mom, father's day without my dad...all this work in their memories and all I want is THEM here) and as we sat down to eat something buzzed around our table (indoors) that I thought was a fly...it was a tiny dragonfly... tears came to my eyes.

They are coming back...the dragonflies....are comng back...

It almost seems as thought the busier I get with my work the more reminded I am that I miss those that I've lost ...this amazing job is an emotional double edge sword for me.

Last night I had a dream that I was back in the hospital 10 months ago with connie...we were talking and I was so sad that I was losing my friend.

I guess I miss her like crazy too...

Then last week I met with Jack West at the ASCO meetings and he and I were talking about Leon (NED) and how sad that was for us...

Its a hard time for a lot of us ....but I remember the dragonflies....and will keep working hard.

Thank you for letting me ramble and get this all out. I know it didn't make any sense.

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Katie I am so happy that you have the dragonflies. They can be a comfort to you when you really need it. The work you do is a constant reminder of what you have lost and what is at stake. That has to be very stressful. I know that like the rest of us you can turn to this forum but as good as it is we all need that one special someone who we can open up to completely. For you that person was Connie. She knew about the dragonflies so maybe she is sending them so you will always have that special comfort.

It is robins and quail that have been my comfort. When I was leaving Washington so soon after Johnny's death I wanted to know that the signs that I felt were from him would continue. That he was alright with my leaving. Before I left I asked for one of three signs to let me know that he would still be with me. I asked of either A donkey,because we heard one at his son's house one day and I told him it was his relative because he was so stubborn. a rooster because he got such a kick out of hearing the quail roosters crowing across from his son's house, or a robin. I asked for the robin simply because I had not seen one sense leaving Louisiana.

I started seeing or hearing roosters everywhere. Then when I moved up to French Gulch and to here where I live now it turned into quail roosters. I hear them everyday and often take them for granted. I just know on the days when I am feeling low there seem to be more of them than normal. I also saw donkeys several times in unexpected places and robins everywhere. Then I move here and never saw a robin again. I look every year and even on my trips to Louisiana but no robins. My niece told me of a robin that kept visiting her and later brought another one with it. She always felt that it was my sign from Johnny and the other one from her dad, my brother Harold. I even had an experience while on our chat one Tuesday evening. Some one was exclaiming about a robin that was trying to fly through her window. I took that as my sign from Johnny.

Maybe I am crazy to believe all of this but I don't think so. Too many other unexplainable things have happened to me sense his death. This belief gives me comfort in a way that nothing else can. Oh and by the way after all of the time not seeing a robin, in January when my sister in law was in the hospital dying the robins gathered in the tree outside my window. After her death when at her house each morning the yard was full of robins. There was even a robin is a tree outside the window when she died. It flew away as she breathed her last breath.

So Katie hold on to your dragonflies and take comfort from them. If the disappear for a while don't worry. When they are needed the most they will return. Thanks for sharing them with us.

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mine is actually Humming birds!! debs fave specially when she was working in garden and they came buzzing around her! hovered over her shoulders a few times!!!

Hang in there Katie!!

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She knew about the dragonflies so maybe she is sending them so you will always have that special comfort.

aw lillian you just made me cry. I find comfort in looking at it this way...thank you.

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We need to have these special signs to feel our loved ones still close to us. A friend once told me about a white dove appearing and hanging around for a few days after her mother died. My friend was in the states and her mother in England and she could not be there for her funeral. Katie, may you find comfort but more importantly I wish for you to make a connection with someone who begins to be a little something that Connie was to you.

Judy in KW

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I know what you mean Katie. I love what I do as a volunteer, and it does not happen often, but it does happen sometimes when it just seems like it's too much.

Like Randy, my special sign has always been hummingbirds! I love them so much that when we built our house and had to name the little private road, it was blue hummingbird way. They visit me at significant times.

Most significant time was when a friend of mine died by suicide. It was late January, and I was crying and looking out the window, pray for God to give me a sign that he was okay and with God. I knew I wouldn't see a hummingbird of course, it was January! But as I sat there, crying, my email chimed in, I went to it and opened an email from a friend titled "If you were a bird, what bird would you be?". Unbelievably she had a picture of a hummingbird in it.

Simply amazing.

Judy in MI

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Not sure if any of you remember my story about all the little birds that appeared above my house on the morning that Dennis passed. The little birds are Swifts and I still see them from time to time. I have never seen them in such a huge flock as I did on the morning I lost my Dennis. I do see a few of them...maybe 10 or so...in my back yard once in a while. Every time I see them, I stop and remember. I remember what I lost on that day in 2002 and would give anything to have back.

So, hold on to those dreams and dragonflies, Katie.

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