Tomorrow marks 5 years

[cindy0519]

There is a quote about a girls first true love being her father....tomorrow morning marks 5 years since my "first true love", my Daddy, left this earth.

I feel a bit odd coming here since I haven't been on for so long. I "peek in" now and then and pray for everyone always..but but somehow tonight I really just needed to post here.

This time of the year is always very difficult. Dad's last conscious day was Father's Day. This was the last day I saw his scruffy face smile, heard him grumble about things that others were doing that made him grumpy, this night was to be our last hug/kiss good night, the last time he told me he loved me...oh, if I'd have only known how final that kiss/hug and I love you were

I miss him more than I might have ever imagined and long to simply have him back...even for a moment. And yet I am still so surrounded by his "presence"....I had to quickly go to the restroom to avoid crying in front of my team at lunch today..we were eating a a hole in the wall chili dog place and I found myself bought to tears by being surrounded by mounted elk, deer, javelina, and a buffalo heads. My Dad was avid hunter and had all of these same mounts in his home. I was fine and then suddenly I was totally overcome with emotion just looking at the stupid mounts in this little chili dog place. Yesteday while driving, and thinking of him (ok...and shedding a few tears ) the song "Love Without End, Amen" suddenly came on the radio. This was a song which he told me, while he was sick, that he wanted to dance to at my wedding as it decribed perfect how he felt about his children. We danced instead to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" because it decribed how I feel about him and he told me any song would be fine with him

I find myself thinking that it should be getting easier, and most days I suppose it is...but these days are just so DAMN HARD! I know he would be hate me being this way and so I allow myself these moments and move on with life as he would have wanted but WOW..for these moments it is just simply all I can do to just breath in.

Thanks for listening and for giving me a place to just " live in this moment" .... I need it every now and then!

My thoughts and prayers are will you always,

Cindy

[Joppette]

Hi Cindy,

I know how you feel, having lost my Dad in 1987 and Mom in 1996. It's so sad, and tough and rough to deal with.

I miss my parents so much. So I understand your feelings. I'm so glad you felt you could come here and share. I go for a lot of time with being okay, and then, out of the blue, the grief hits so hard. It's so difficult.

Know my heart and prayers are with you.

Judy in MI

[jaminkw]

Cindy, everyone is welcome here no matter how long their absence. I'm glad you shared. Anniversaries are tough but 5 yrs down the line, and the depth of your feeling is a testament to how much you loved your Dad and the endurance of that love.

Judy in KW

[Annette]

Cindy - who said it has to get easier - no matter what you will always miss your dad. The easy part is saying how important it was that you got to exchange I Love You's on Father's Day - what a great memory to cherish.

Wishing you gentle memories that make you smile,

Annette

[KatieB]

(((Cindy))) my heart and hugs go out to you.

I really get it.

((hug))

[shineladysue]

(((Cindy))), sending understanding hugs your way. Glad you came back to share your feelings with those of us who really do understand. I always find it a comfort to just have a place where I can express my feelings and know the people reading know what I"m going thru. It has been a little over 5 years since I lost my hubby and I know how close to the surface those tears still are.. Be gentle with yourself .

Hugs,

Sue

[Nick C]

Aww cindy, even 5 years out *something* can always trigger some tears.

And yes, if we only knew that last real hug, or kiss, or "I love you" was it...I know 100% where you are coming from.