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Openly reaching out... anniversaries are hard!


onlychild*

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Mom died 4 years ago last night. Although I usually can keep a smile on my face and my chin-up, today I just needed somewhere welcoming and understanding to go, to openly & honestly grieve. Am so grateful you are here!

These past few days hit me really hard...

My mom was an only child and I am too, and thus there is no one else to remember her with today. I would love for today to be about having a picnic, eating burgers (Mom loved burgers!), sharing memories of Mom and having a laugh, cry and hugs. But, sadly, I am the only one who remembers her. <>

Mom was a quiet, shy person and had few friends, but she always remembered people's birthdays, anniversaries and sent gifts during the holidays and called people for no reason just to see how they were doing. But those friends only called her when they needed something (even when she was dying the friends that did email her said how much they would miss her "always being there when they needed something", but never said anything more).

And why don't I ask my friends for support? My friends... well I just realized how alike I am to my mom. <> AND my friends are young and never lost anyone (Mom died when I was 29). My epiphany: I was stuck in the house for the past 6+ months in a wheelchair (I am now luckily able to leave the house - am so grateful! And SO lucky!) the only time I heard from anyone was when they wanted me to take care of their kids, dogs|cats and/or house, and even my 'closest' friend got upset at me for being in a wheelchair at an "inconvenient time" for her. Note:I was not in a wheelchair by choice, trust me. Honestly, I am still in utter disbelief and shock - if it had been anyone, I would've brought groceries, called to have a good conversation, sent cards and silly things, flowers, brought movies - I would've been there to offer any kind of support. In fact I have done so many times, in good and bad during; break-ups, colds, birth of kids... I even cared for my mom's out-of-state friend for 2 weeks when no one else, not even her own daughter would take off work to care for her. I did it because I cared, and I didn't even think twice about it. Que sera...

So...

Writing this I realize, that I guess what I am saying is this anniversary has become a time of major reflection on my mom's life and what her worth was/is and also mine. It makes me so sad to think that someone so loving existed, that was there for others whenever they wanted, on their terms, always with a smile & never a complaint... and now, it's like she never existed.

And I am just so selfishly sad to not have any family or friends to remember her with, or anyone to even remember me on this difficult day. <>

When you lost someone, were you alone too? What did you/do you do on 'anniversaries? Have you been able to build more unconditional love & support?

Again, I am SO grateful for everyone here, for everyone being so open about their experiences, thank you for letting me have my moment <> and for listening and understanding.

pffft! I said it all. <>

Much love to everyone on this journey. xox k

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I am also an only child. I understand what it's like to have to do it all and not have a sibling to help. When you go through a loss you find out a lot about friends and family. It was so surprising to me after I lost my husband the people that were really there for me and the ones who backed off. Surprisingly, my oldest friend was one that was suddenly someone I didn't know. I began to question myself-- was I not a good friend, was I there for her when she lost her mother, would I do this to her, have I acted like this to others, etc. etc?

It didn't destroy our friendship, I call her once in awhile, I keep in touch, but it will never ever be what it was.

Surprisingly, other people came back into my life and were so supportive and wonderful. So, I am going off on a tangent when I really just wanted to say that the anniversaries are hard. They do get easier - it's true that time helps, and you will get to a place where you will do ok with them. I try to do something in my husband's memory around his birthday and date of death to honor him in some way and just remember that he was here.

Hang in there.

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Thank you all so much for your support! It really means A LOT to me. :)

I did try to do things on my own this week to honor my mom. Worked on the old 1910 house and ate a burger from her favorite place (I used to be a vegetarian so this is a big HONOR - hahaha). :) I volunteered as usual at a women's shelter and did facepainting for some kids at the shelter. Randy, I even had a good cry/babble under the stars too. :)

Ry, that was no tangent! :) I'm so sorry you lost your husband and in turn went through that with your friends. Thank you for sharing your experience and reassuring me.

Now that the anniversary has passed, like a storm, I feel more like my old self and will just keep working on building relationships with people who are worth it and not make huge efforts for the ones that aren't (because I am sure it's not just me, I am sure they are probably like this with everyone).

I will try to plan something in advance for the 5 year anniversary, maybe send out a formal invite to 2 of my mom's friends for a picnic in the park to honor my mom or a walk through the museum.

Thank you all again. And now that I remember my login info I will try to check-in more often. I hope I can be of some support to others too.

xox k

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