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Openly reaching out... anniversaries are hard!


onlychild*

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Mom died 4 years ago last night. Although I usually can keep a smile on my face and my chin-up, today I just needed somewhere welcoming and understanding to go, to openly & honestly grieve. Am so grateful you are here!

These past few days hit me really hard...

My mom was an only child and I am too, and thus there is no one else to remember her with today. I would love for today to be about having a picnic, eating burgers (Mom loved burgers!), sharing memories of Mom and having a laugh, cry and hugs. But, sadly, I am the only one who remembers her. <>

Mom was a quiet, shy person and had few friends, but she always remembered people's birthdays, anniversaries and sent gifts during the holidays and called people for no reason just to see how they were doing. But those friends only called her when they needed something (even when she was dying the friends that did email her said how much they would miss her "always being there when they needed something", but never said anything more).

And why don't I ask my friends for support? My friends... well I just realized how alike I am to my mom. <> AND my friends are young and never lost anyone (Mom died when I was 29). My epiphany: I was stuck in the house for the past 6+ months in a wheelchair (I am now luckily able to leave the house - am so grateful! And SO lucky!) the only time I heard from anyone was when they wanted me to take care of their kids, dogs|cats and/or house, and even my 'closest' friend got upset at me for being in a wheelchair at an "inconvenient time" for her. Note:I was not in a wheelchair by choice, trust me. Honestly, I am still in utter disbelief and shock - if it had been anyone, I would've brought groceries, called to have a good conversation, sent cards and silly things, flowers, brought movies - I would've been there to offer any kind of support. In fact I have done so many times, in good and bad during; break-ups, colds, birth of kids... I even cared for my mom's out-of-state friend for 2 weeks when no one else, not even her own daughter would take off work to care for her. I did it because I cared, and I didn't even think twice about it. Que sera...

So...

Writing this I realize, that I guess what I am saying is this anniversary has become a time of major reflection on my mom's life and what her worth was/is and also mine. It makes me so sad to think that someone so loving existed, that was there for others whenever they wanted, on their terms, always with a smile & never a complaint... and now, it's like she never existed.

And I am just so selfishly sad to not have any family or friends to remember her with, or anyone to even remember me on this difficult day. <>

When you lost someone, were you alone too? What did you/do you do on 'anniversaries? Have you been able to build more unconditional love & support?

Again, I am SO grateful for everyone here, for everyone being so open about their experiences, thank you for letting me have my moment <> and for listening and understanding.

pffft! I said it all. <>

Much love to everyone on this journey. xox k

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Hi there,

I see that you have been a "member" here for a long time. I'm sad that you didn't find a way to be a part of this site until now. I'd like to encourage you to become an active member of the site. We have the Daily Air in the Just for Fun Off topics forum. This is where we chat and be silly, and just share about life. Please join us if you'd like.

Anniversaries are hard. You were young to lose your Mom. Me too. Not as young as you, but still young. It stinks. I'm now on year 15 years out from my Mom dieing, but it still sucks. My heart goes out to you.

You were so young when she died, so many of your friends can not relate. We can here. We know the cruelty of this disease. It does not discriminate by age. We can be here for you.

You don't need to mock yourself here. Your feelings are valid. Your pain is completely understood. Your tender heart is hurt and asking for understanding. We understamd. Please come back and post some more. Let us get to know you!

We are a friendly group. We welcome you here.

Judy in MI

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we do all kinds of things here to commemorate anniversary dates!

Balloon Launches!

Butterfly releases!

having a lone drink!

throw eggs! (Gets the frustration out of the body of the whole thing!)

Cry!

Laugh!

Write! About the person we lost.

Pray! For ourselves and them.

talk! To them under the stars of a clear nights sky! (My Favorite and most special!)

so your not alone here ! I don't think anyone ever threw a picnic but you can start a new idea though!! on the patio under the stars maybe !!??

What do all of these things have in common!? they are all things that help us remember the great times we had with the ones we lost and that is the most special thing to us in the whole wide world!!

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K,

Lost my Mom to this when I was 27. Kicked my butt good. I was feeling very alone and lost. I went back to grad school in a city far from where I grew up and that threw me into a new group of friends. A good dozen or so have remained "my family" for the last 26 years! First surprise party I ever had was when I turned 30. Always someone to call or go out with or ask a favor of - including taking me to the doc if I needed it. People to laugh with, and cry with. And remarkably, I have a good guy in my life now - that took me a long time, but it happened. He has been with me every step of the way since my own diagnosis.

So what do you do? Throw yourself into your life and something you feel some passion for. Surround yourself with others as well. I'm still not the life of the party, but at least I get invited to some. And when I was feeling lonely, I volunteered at events where there were a lot of people. I never did make friends at those things, but I learned a lot about people and myself, and collected stories about things I found interesting.

The anniversaries? For me, they sneak up quietly, even my own. It's other little things that get to me. But after all this time, mostly I think of the good times with my Mom.

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Only Child....I wished you lived closer so I could come over and give you a hug. I was 1 of 8 children so I haven't a clue how an only child must feel when their only parent dies. My Mom and Dad died when I was 38 and 46 and was fortunate to have all my family around. When Bill died I felt alone at times because after the initial gathering of mourners goes away life just has to go on, like it or not. Anniversaries for me are quiet and thoughtful. Memories are my best friends at times. Please stick around with us and come anytime to just vent. Oh, by the way, here's that hug.(((((((((((((((onlychild)))))))))))))))

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I too hope you take advantage of this site. My parents have been gone a long time, my mother just after I was born so I haven't been where you are but many others here have. I do know the saddness of losing friends and family. I also know loneliness having cancer with all my good friends and family at a distance. Keep trying to reach out. I know sometimes we make "friends" that turn out to be not good friends but keep trying. I think I'm making better choices now and it is enhancing my life.

Like Judy said, come back here more often. This is the place where you can say ANYTHING and not be judged. That may sound trite but here it is absolutely true.

Judy in KW

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Yes, we are here for you.

But I do understand what you're saying about the anniversaries and feeling so alone...like your mom never existed.

I feel that way ALOT. I had a huge family that broke apart when my mom died. No one to talk to or reflect back with me about my parents.

The anniversaries sneak up on me and then there are just days that I miss them so much....

I come here, I blog, I do many of the things off RandyW's list...I dedicate and tribute things to my parents and my biggest comfort is the little ways I am so much like them--remind me that they DID exist and they live within me.

Like TS said- finding a community and surrounding yourself with good people is really important too....I didn't have any friends nearby, I joined a chuch and a moms group...reached out beyond my comfort zone and made connections.

maybe you will be the only one grieving or recognizing an anniversary of your loss--but you can have many people to talk to about your mom and share those memories with and many people to walk beside you in your life.

(((hugs)))

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I hear you!

I too am an only child.

Even though it is hard not having anyone who shared my experience, I feel good knowing I am truly the only one on the planet who knew her like I did ...and that makes me feel a little bit better. Special. "Chosen" in a way.

I'm also sorry for all the other stuff going on...yikes...so rough. Hang in there...and come here to talk too friends who get it!

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