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The rollercoaster ride continues alone


lilyjohn

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I'm just not having a very good night. I have been so up lately but tonight I did something that I thought I was ready for and now I am once more on the downfall. I wonder now if my up beat mood hasn't been just forced. I pray that the site of daylight coming above the hills will once again renew my spirit. I just don't know why the pain is still tearing at me so much.

After Johnny died I stayed in Washington for 4 months. I just couldn't make the decision to leave there until I had to. Once the decision was made I felt as if I were deserting him and our beautiful life together. It was just so hard!! Before I left I made the decision to take my movie camera and film many of the places that had been so special to us. I placed the movie camera on the dashboard and while I drove I talked about not only the memoies of the places but of so many other things that we shared. I am glad that I have those but I'm not sure I can finish watching them for a while. The pain is just too great. Even the good memories hurt.

Anyway I just needed a place to rest some of my thoughts before I go to bed. I need to sleep and not let this keep me awake all night but somehow I think that is not going to happen. Thanks once more for "listening" to me. I hope you are all doing better than I am. Lillian

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Lillian,

I'm sorry you got "ambushed", but I, for one, do not think your upbeat mood over the last few weeks has been "forced" at all. In many, MANY ways you have the right to feel good about yourself and the things you've accomplished recently. I've noticed the change just since I first logged on to this board. I'm sure others that have been here a bit longer have noticed even more.

Don't let this "one step" back make you forget about all the "two steps forward" you've taken!

Dean

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Thank you Dean for your encouragement. It never ceases to amaze me how much you offer to others when you have so many problems of your own. I think I said it once before but I will say it again. You remind me a lot of my Johnny. That is quite a compliment coming from me.

I did manage to sleep last night or I should say this morning. It was an uneasy sleep but it rested my body if not my mind. This morning the sun is up and slowly revealing the beauty around me. That often works to help my battered spirit. I'm hoping today will be one of those times. I am not as messed up as I was last night but I have a terrible sadness in me today. I know that too is one of the things in my cycles of grief and I will be able to pull out of it. Having the new friends I have met here helps more than anything else. It seems that you and Ann have taken on another challenge and that is to keep me focused. I really need that at times and I am so thankful to the two of you as well as so many others here.

I hope that you continue to do well tho I know you have many of your own problems to deal with. I know too that helping others as you are doing often helps to help ourself. You give so much and hopefully get as much or more in return. Bless you and have a great day. God has given us much to handle and you seem to have more of the tools to do that than many others. Thanks again.

Lillian

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Lillian,

Don't feel guilty for being happy. You are not betraying your love for Johnny by finding simple pleasure and joy in being alive. One day you WILL be able to visit places you were with Johnny and feel warm, not like it has all just happened and ripped your heart out again.

You ARE healing, you just happened to "bump the scab" so to speak. The love is still there and you don't have the scar yet, you still have to keep Band Aids on the owie.

I believe Johnny is telling you that you shouldn't forget him, but that YOU are still here and need to enjoy YOUR time here, even if he has had to leave. Wrap him warmly in your love and continue to heal. You are on the right path, just happened to take a look back at pain that's still pretty close to you. Continue on your journey, Lillian.

I wish you peace,

Becky

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The ups and downs we experience as we try to muddle our way through life without the person with love is normal. At least that is what people keep telling me. I can be feeling pretty good one minute and the very next minute I am crying because Hugh is really gone. A woman I work with lost her husband to LC just a couple of months after I lost Hugh and she stopped in my office after Christmas and in our conversation she told me she just didn't know where she belonged. I feel the same way. Who in the world am I now? Hugh was part of who I am. I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time this week. I find that if I turn on TV to a funny, lighthearted show when I am awake and can't sleep it helps. If I lay there trying to sleep I only go over and over Hugh's last few days and then I get even worse.

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You know, we all have these ups and downs and nothing anyone can say really keeps this from happening. Although we all have so much in common, each of us has our own cross to bear. I so love knowing that we are here to help each other cross these bumps in the road and travel along on our journey. Everyone has made such great comments here. DeanCarl always knows just what to say and has made my life better so many times! He is right about Lillian's progress! It is remarkable and she should not feel guilty about feeling better! I know, from our conversations, that she had a very deep and intense love with Johnny. This is something that will not go away or be replaced. Like Candy said, there are little tricks that each of us find that make life a little easier. Since Dennis died, my electric bill has soared, as I almost always fall asleep with the television on. Any little thing that can serve as a distraction helps to ease the pain. I know that there are things we all have to do....watching those videos were Lillian's challenge. I still have to go through Dennis's office and pack things away and get rid of things. His office was originally a family room that had a wall added to make a seperate office. Well...guess what? That door remains closed and I just cannot stand to go in that room. Everything reminds me of Dennis. All of his ham radio equipment still sits as he left it. I NEED to turn that radio on...just to prove I can. So...that wall is coming back down. I cannot live in this house and not open a door and enter a room. That is my challenge right now. Lillian, you are to admired for having the courage to face the things you dread head on rather than do as I am doing and shut the door! Sometimes I think my feelings are like all the things in that office...all closed in behind a door!

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Lillian and Ann,

I feel really badly for both of you (and anyone else who has lost someone to this disease) :cry: I haven't walked in your shoes, so feel free to disregard what I am going to say. I am not prone to giving advice, but I think both of you need to cut yourself a little slack! It has only been a year since you lost the men you love! You have been slowly working through that grief, and you are making real progress!

Lillian, put the pictures away for awhile and try again when you feel stronger, but don't beat yourself up for trying, each time you work on it, it will get better, until they will become the crown jewels of your memories, but give it some more time.

Ann, don't try to pack up the stuff, just open the door and leave it open, eventually you will be able to walk in, then wait and try to go in a week later and just sit and cherish the memories, if it takes a year to deal with packing it up or ten years, its OK and not a bad thing.

I am just trying to say ladies is be good to yourselves and acknowledge your grief, and take tiny steps to heal it and it will eventually get better.

The pain will lessen in time and you will be left with the cherished memories of your love.

Blessings

Betty

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Lillian

I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that I love reading your posts, I look forward to them. You have such a gift with words, you truly transport the reader to where you are. You should seriously consider submitting some of your writing for publication. I admire your courage in starting over the way you did, that takes a lot and I think you are doing great. Not many women could do what you have done at any age. God Bless and keep up the good work.

Bess B

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After a loss you have to move forward and try to gain happiness somehow.. With the love you two shared, there is no danger of forgetting the past. Guilt of moving forward and fear of forgetting the past keeps many of us lingering in limbo. The past will always be yours to remember so make he future yours to live.

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Lillian, Ann, Candy,

Been there, done that too. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who is going through this too. But you have all shown that there will be good days to come. Two steps forward, one step back.

I find myself lost somedays for days on end, but then it comes back to me, I still am alive and I think about what Randy would want me to do. He would want me to get my life in order and try to make the best out of the hand I have been dealt. He always said, living life wasn't for wimps and sissies. It takes a real person to accept that things are not the best all the time. But we need to do the best we can. So Ann, if keeping the door closed for now is what you need to do, do it. It can be opened when you are ready for that step. Lillian, I do so understand about the pictures and video. I found one with Randy's voice on it Christmas night. I don't think I can listen to it again yet but I am so thankful it is there. I am just trying to keep on, keeping on. One day I will find my yellow brick road.

Much love to all.

Shirley

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It IS good to be able to listen to other people who are going through the same things. I learn so many things from all of you and take great comfort in this place. Shirley - I do much the same thing, when I am feeling ready to give up I think about Hugh and what I can do that would make him proud of me. He was a strong man and he lost many people he loved and always dealt with it so well. As for moving on, some days I feel like I might be and then I remember that the jeans Hugh took off the night before he went to the hospital are still sitting on the floor of his closet where he put them. I haven't touched them, I know his pocket watch and change are still in them. The hats he always wore are still in the kitchen in exactly the same spot that he left them. I look at them almost everyday and I am not sure if I will ever move them. I mentioned to my son last week that I guessed I should clean out Dad's closet and he quickly (too quickly) said he didn't think so. Part of me wants to leave that stuff there forever but the reality of it is that I can't. I remember after my own father died my mother cleaned out his clothes rather quickly but the clothes he took off the night he died hung on the bedroom door for several months. One day she got up and opened the back door to the porch where the trash was and took a couple of really big breaths and grabbed those clothes off the hook and literally RAN out the back door, dumped them in the trash, came back inside and never said a word to anyone. Sometimes I picture myself doing that with Hugh's jeans. The other thing I haven't done yet is change the pillow cases on his pillows. It was REALLY hard to change the sheets when I got home from the hospital and I am ashamed to say I actually didn't change them for almost 3 weeks. Then I thought about what Hugh would say to me about that. It wouldn't have been polite I'm sure, so I ripped them off one Saturday morning and washed them before I could change my mind.

Another thing that has helped me I think is that because we were remodeling the house my son continued that. The kitchen is totally different now so I don't look at the table and "see" Hugh sitting in his usual spot. Its the same table but its in a totally different spot. The livingroom is all different so I don't walk in as "see" Hugh sitting in his chair where he sat for almost 30 years at night. Jeremy did redo the den (which was a storage room for years) into "Dad's Room" where he put all of Hugh's favorite things. Its definately a man's room with built in gun case all of his deer mounts, bear rug, etc. I tend to find that room a little disconcerting but at the same time comforting. It was a labor of love for Jeremy and he is extremely proud of it. Hugh's ashes rest there until the time comes for mine to be mixed with his and I told Jeremy that if his Dad had to pick a place to wait for me this room would definitely be the place. Of course not everyone shares kind thoughts about that room with me. My brother and his wife call it the mausoleum and my sister and her husband were visiting a while ago and really hurt Jeremy's feelings by refusing to go in there because Hugh's ashes were in there and they think its "disgusting" that I have them in the house. Its actually a beautiful room with a lot of sunlight and bright colors.

So, after rambling on and on - thanks to everyone for listening!

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It has been almost 3 days sense I made the post here. I am doing better but still have a way to go to get out of this slump. Thank all of you for your support. I know how hard it can be to try to help someone else when your own heart is breaking. As Shirley said been there, done that!!

I was already sliding down that deep fall when I took those videos out to look at. I think that is probably why I did it. Sometimes it just overwhelms me when I see how many changes have taken place in my life in less than 2 years. Just seems like nothing is easy any more. I have pieces of my heart scattered in several different places and am trying to learn to get those pieces together again in this one beautiful place. I have been writing a story about mine and Johnny's lives. We were seperated in a most brutal way many years ago. We went on to live seperate lives and had families of our own but we never forgot. We never stopped loving eachother.. The short time we had was a wonderful gift and I would never want to have not had that time no matter how much pain I am in now.. I wrote about how I was after our seperation. I said "I was like a glass that had been shattered. You might be able to glue it back together but it will never be the same. There will always be a flaw..The only way to make it whole again is to return it to it's original mold and remake it. When I found Johnny again I was remade but now I have shattered again. I don't know if I will ever be together as much as I was before and then I was so flawed." I still feel that way sometimes.

It doesn't take much to set me off. I decided yesterday that I would really do something. I never put anything off in my life before. I always just jumped in with both feet and got it done no matter what. Sense Johnny's death I find it so easy to just wait and keep waiting. I seem to have no direction. The job I had yesterday was to clean out one of my files. I save all of my check card reciepts and once my statement comes I throw the ones that are acounted for away..I hadn't done that is so long and needed the room. When Johnny and I had gotten our apartment together we needed everything. I went shopping and bought what we needed and saved the reciepts. We would go on rides and when we bought gas I saved those reciepts too. Everything from reciepts for his buiscuts and gravy he had me buy for his snack every night he was in the hospital to the desert we bought at a beautiful lodge on Lake Quinault the day before that nurse made that fatal remark. I never threw any of those things away..

When I got about half way through that file I found all of those reciepts. There are so many memories there. I remember how happy I was planning our life and shopping for the things we needed. Every date on those reciepts have special meaning. I sat there and cried as I relived every minute from those times. Such beautiful memories but now they hold so much pain. I kept thinking what if someone saw me there crying over gas reciepts? I felt so unhinged but I just couldn't stop and when I finished I couldn't throw them away. I put them back in that folder and I wonder if the next time will be any easier.

I had to pack all of our things when I moved just 4 months after he died. I felt like I was stripping away our life together. I brought all of his things with me. I don't think I will ever be able to throw any of them away. The last set of clothes he wore are hanging in my closet unwashed. I know it is impossible but sometimes I can swear that I can smell his scent on them. I want so much to try to find some peace. He gave me a chance for a new life. He would want me to use it but it just feels so empty without him. It has been over a year now. The pain gives me small breaks but I feel like a part of me was ripped away and every now and then someone throws salt in the wounds...The only thing that helps besides all of you here is that I know he is near me all of the time. I can feel him sometimes but when I can't I start to doubt. That is just so hard!!!!!!!

I started this post to thank all of you and ended up rambling again. I sure seem to be doing a lot of that latey. Again I say thanks and I thank you too for putting up with my rambles. Johnny used to say I would be perfect if I didn't talk so much. Then he would say "It's alright Mama, It's alright Darlin" How I wish I could hear those words again!!!!!!!!!

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The Dance

Written by Tony Arata

Performed by Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

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Lillian,

"Time heals all wounds" or "Time wounds all heals". Sometimes you wonder which statement is the "true" one. What I've discovered over the years is it's both. The wounds start to heal then something comes along and WHAP, your an open sore again. You get through that and start feeling a bit better and it happens again. I know that, for me, it would get to the point where I was "running scared" a lot. There was a time I would do ANYTHING to avoid the pain, up to and including using drugs and alcohol to numb myself.

But I found that was a loosing proposition. I never could hide long enough or run fast enough to avoid the pain for very long. Sooner or later (and mostly sooner) I'd find myself flat on the floor again and hurting like he**. Evenutaly I had to feel the pain.

And I learned that each time I allowed myself to hurt the pain was a little, tiny bit less. Hardly noticable at times, but it WAS less. Sometimes it seemed to take forever, but there eventualy came a time when I did not hurt. When I could face the memories with a sense of joy rather than anger and sadness.

I guess what I'm saying in all this, Lillian, is, though it hurts so much, take some time to take some pride in what you are doing. You've been willing to face the pain. Each time you do that you are allowing yourself to heal. Know that what you are going through is a TEMPORARY thing. Though it may not seem like it, it will NOT last forever.

Dean

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A couple of things here.....

First.....I love that song..The Dance....by Garth Brooks. Every single time I hear it I cry. I have always thought of it as saying that any of us can keep pain from our lives but look at all of the things we have to miss in order to do that!

Next....Dean, I know what you're saying about allowing yourself to hurt. I really held back on that one for a long time and still am working through it. I was so determined that I had to be strong in Dennis' death, as I had been strong for both of us during his illness. I had myself thoroughly convinced that I would not allow myself to fall completely apart! And..you know what? I did a pretty damned good job of it for a while. Everyone would comment on how well I seemed to be doing. I was numb!!! I had turned off all emotions...good and bad...in order to be strong and survive. Now...I know that I need to hurt and have been doing so for months! Not merely hurting...actually aching inside and feeling all of this all over again.

I can relate with not washing clothes and not making changes. I remember one night after Dennis died that it was very cold. I had been walking at night , as I somehow felt very close to Dennis outdoors in the dark. I would look up into the star filled sky and somehow feel he was watching me from a distance. On this particular night, I felt very lost and alone and thought how good it would feel to feel Dennis's big strong arms around me one more time. I was wearing his big red down-filled jacket and I know I could still smell his scent! I can swear to you that for the rest of that walk I felt his arm around my shoulder! How I never wanted that walk to end.

When people have not experienced losing the love of their life and being alone after many years of love, they cannot even relate to what we are going through here. It is such a cold, deep feeling! I pray that we will all eventually be whole again! I cannot tell you how much this board has meant to me. I feel that the people on this board all have a common suffering that much of the world cannot understand. Thanks for all the love and support we constantly offer each other!!!

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I read the posts from the one of Lily to the one of Ann, and I recognized

part of myself in each of the post.

What we go through, is different but very similar.

I still have kept many of the clothes of Mike, had many pictures

printed new and enlarged, and over the 43 years we were married

I have kept each card he gave me, Xmas, New Year, Birthday, Wedding

anniversary, Get well cards when I was sick, and they break me down

each time I walk near the box they are in, only took those for

Xmas out and those for New Year and soon it will be those for my Birthday, and I think I will keeep doing that for the time I have left.

The computer I use is the one he gave me in 1999, when I got breast cancer, we gave it the name *Baby* and it feels as I am touching him each time I use it.

Thank you all for sharing part of your pain it does help, the healing

will be slow but it will come.

Love to all

J.C.

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Wow! I'm reading all these posts with tears for the pain, and saying, "Yes, oh yes - I know!"

I had myself thoroughly convinced that I would not allow myself to fall completely apart! And..you know what? I did a pretty damned good job of it for a while. Everyone would comment on how well I seemed to be doing. I was numb!!! I had turned off all emotions...good and bad...in order to be strong and survive. Now...I know that I need to hurt and have been doing so for months! Not merely hurting...actually aching inside and feeling all of this all over again.

Yep, I did so well and was so strong - everyone said so. I too was dazed, numbed and not allowing myself to think or feel. If any feelings did come up, I would snuff them out with pills until I was a zombie. People chose to believe that I was fine, and left me alone in my house the night of my husband's death, after first asking "Are you alright?"

"You're strong" they said. I wasn't strong!! I was in a state of terror, shock and desperation but I couldn't give in cause who would take care of my husband?

And about the "rooms"...my husband had recently taken up woodworking as hobby, and was very excited about retiring and spending Sundays at flea markets, selling his creations and enjoying life after working since he was 14. Entering his woodworking room caused such pain it nearly floored me, and even going in there now is nearly impossible. It's his loss I cry for, not mine. He was the eternal optimist, always excited about the future and the possiblities that lay there, always full of plans and dreams.

Candy, I'm so sorry about the attitude towards your husband's ashes. I too have my husband's ashes near me, and to have anyone call them "disgusting" is cruel beyond belief. When people say hurtful and thoughtless things to me, I just have to tell myself it's because they cannot possibly understand.

Sorry for the jumbled up post. I can't seem to say what I really want to. :(

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You know, I am so glad I found you people.....

Nobody who hasn't gone thru this, could realize how awful it was.

Every time I would go to my mom's, her and I would sit down and find ourselves looking at the spot in the living room where the hospital bed was, in his final days....and we'd sit there not talking about it but reliving it in our minds, the last few days.....we could just see the bed right there, with him laying motionless, on oxygen and that pain medication....

So my mom decided to rearrange the living room.....

Now when we walk in, we see the living room, and not the space where my dad passed away.....

But she is keeping his room the way it was, his clothes hang in the closet exactly how he left them, we want it to stay this way forever, we swear we can "feel" him in there.....I sat on his bed yesterday and stared at the bottom of his closet, where his barely worn new tennis shoes were sitting, and thought of the last time he took them off and had me put them away for him......those sad empty shoes just sitting there waiting.....just like I felt I was doing, sitting there waiting......

I wish to God there was no such thing as cancer, that all our loved ones were back with us, that none of this happened to any of us. Please let it all be just a nightmare, a terrible nightmare in my head.

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For the past 2-1/2 years with lung cancer, it continually amazes me how quickly the roller coaster can start its downhill run. This past Wednesday, about 10 mintutes before I was to see my oncologist, one of the Social Workers came and sat sown with me. She is young and is in grad school for social work and is very dedicated. One of her graduate school projects is to work with, and co-facilitate the lung cancer support group. When she sat down, next to me, I detected that she was in a down mood. She then informed me that one of our members had passed on Tuesday. This was sad for me, as Mitzie had joined our group this last September right after her diagnosis. She had not missed a meeting.

Five minutes later I am called in to see the doctor. Dr. Schiller appeared to be upbeat and very happy. (Immediately that roller coaster leveled out and began its uphill climb.) Dr Schiller was happy because after reviewing all my scans since September, she and the radiologist are coming to the conclusion that my liver mets is not liver mets at all, as it has not grown. If anything it has diminished in size. She said that it is not acting as a liver mets usually acts. My liver function studies have shown no change and are all in the normal range, which Dr. Schiller said is another indication that we are not looking at anything bad here. (Now I am at the top of the hill of the roller coaster.) I will be rescanned in 2 weeks and following the scan we will be talking about a plan of following me as my journey with lung cancer continues. Dr. Schiller is hoping for long term survival for me and is encouraging me to take a very proactive advocacy and activism role. The news couldn't be any better than that.

Along with everything else we have much to celebrate: Connie and her great news about her health, Kate and Ricky with their new member of their family, David C and Karen with their little girl Faith. And much much more.

I am so thankful of this great family we have here. We laugh and cry together. (Of course, sometimes I think we cry because of laughing too hard :lol::lol::lol: )

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