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KatieB

Does it bother you?

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Does it bother you when the anniversary, birthdates, or death dates are not acknowledged?

My Online friends offered such amazing support and encouragement to me today on the anniversary of my fathers passing, but not one single relative called, commented or acknowledged this day....like my father never existed.

Now to be completely open, they don't call on my mothers birth/death dates either.

It bothers me. Does it bother you when people don't acknowledge your loss?

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It doesn't bother me, people don't remember the dates but that's ok. As long as my family remembers the dates in their minds that's more important. I wouldn't want calls on those dates, what do you talk about? The pain, the past agonizing years? What is nice is the friend who got me through the fist year of diagnosis-death and past had her son on Rod's birthday :o I like remembering that! Our kids remember our wedding anniversary, that's important to me :)

Barbb

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I'd say you are lucky if people even remember that you have lost family members and think to mention them at all, especially after the first year. How could we possibly recall the dates of all who have passed, not only in our lives but in our extended families and friends as well? I'm lightly aware of the dates of my Mom's passing (I double checked since I was pretty sure we share that) and my sister, but I don't call my Dad or brother to reminisce or anything. Jewish tradition does call for lighting a memorial candle in honor of those we've lost, each and every year, if I've got that right. Do other religions have this tradition?

You have learned (and shown) that it is important to you and that you'd like some comforting on these days, so you put it out there in the world, knowing you have friends who care about you and will respond. That's one of the best things you can learn - to ask for what you need rather expecting anyone to read your mind. I'm not very good at that myself, but I am trying more often.

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I'm talking about siblings who don't remember or acknowledge the birthday or passing of a parent---not friends or distant relations.

How could they possibly remember ?

But a child should remember when they lost a parent or when their parents birthday's were.

We don't need to talk the loss. Other than a post about it, I never talk about my losses.... They could just call on that day to say Hi. Anything to acknowledge that they ever cared or that our parents even existed.

Maybe someone out there knows what I mean.

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I don't have siblings...but my father doesn't call me on that day. I make it a point to call my grandmother on that day...I think it would bother me if I had siblings and no one called.

Yeah...I'm with you./

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I understand, Katie. As you probably know from my past posts, my family always has a big gathering around the date of Mom's passing. It might not be the exact day but it is usually right around the date. I am not sure how long we will continue doing this. It will be 4 years tomorrow that we lost my mom. I know that I am so greatful for the family that comes every year to not only remember Mom but also to celebrate life. I think the day would be so much harder if we didn't acknowledge it. However, (and this is just the way my family is), if the celebration isn't on the exact day, we don't call each other on that day as well. We have the big get together and that is our moment in time to acknowledge that we all miss her and loved her. My family has never been comfortable in talking about our feelings and emotions. This is one of the reason why I appreciate LCSC so much. It is a place for me to express my emotions without feeling like I am bringing my family down or re-opening wounds for them.

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No, it does not bother me. What is more important to me is the day to day communication. I have lost my Mother, my Father, my sister Toni, my sister Judy, 2 brothers-in-law and 4 nephews and most importantly my husband. I can not and do not expect my children or friends to remember all of this. Some of the dates I don't remember. But I remember each and every one of them in my heart.

My daughter did call me on Earl's anniversary and a friend, who has an amazing calendar, emailed me. I was surprised and did appreciate it, but did not expect it.

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I only have 3 brothers left. I would be shocked if they honored our parents and sister by remembering. I think they've done all they can to try to forget. They were not there for me when I went through my cancer either. I think they think that cancer has tortured our family, and they've decided they want nothing to do with it ever again.

I pray they never have to face it again. Instead of taking the good from it and growing from it, they hide and are fearful.

Judy in MI

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Daddy was in deny, deny, deny mode immediately. I have called him in the past and I wonder every year if I should but since he doesn't seem to want to 'go there' I usually don't call him. *I* call Mom's best friend, and she is always thinking about it and hurting too. We cry a little together and I feel better. I think it's a comfort for some of us to remember and to feel the pain of the loss again, even though it hurts. And for others pushing it away is the only way they know to deal.

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Katie,

I have one sister in law that I talk to on those special days. She remembers and so do I. Otherwise, it is just another day to most. I know my kids remember but we don't make a point of calling each other and saying today is the day. Usually it is just a quick post on FB.

BUT that being said, you and I and others do remember and miss our loved ones no matter what.

Hugs,

Shirley

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I remember and yes it hurts when people forget. Not so much because I want them to share my pain but because somehow I feel like it is deminishing the memory of my loved ones. Just thinking of this my youngest brother and the first so close that I lost will be gone 37 years on the 10th of this month. As with them all I miss him all of the time. Still I know that everyone is different and don't really fault them, could be too that they remember and just don't want to discuss it. I know that you have other issures with your siblings so I understand how this adds to that hurt. Bless you Katie and have the good memories and hold them close to your heart.

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It used to really bother me when people wouldn't remember dates that I felt were important but, as time passed on, it bothered me more that people seemed to act as if Dennis ever existed. The boys would always call me on important dates and just say, "are you doing OK today, Mom?" We all knew why their calls were made, but we didn't talk about the specific dates too much. Now, it's just assumed that we all get through those days alright, remembering but not talking and opening up too many wounds.

It DOES bother me when I see old friends of ours and they don't mention Dennis. I suppose they're thinking that it's better to not bring up things that might cause others pain. But....they have no idea how much it would mean to me to know they remember him and miss him.

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