The Hurt Never Goes Away

[jean44]

Three years ago today (Sept. 26, 2008), Thom was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. I had lost my Dad to the same diagnosis 5 yrs. earlier so I KNEW what the future would hold.

316 days later he was gone.

I HATE these damn anniversary dates and can't seem to get them out of my mind.

Bottom line, I MISS HIM MORE EVERYDAY.

How in the world do you find happiness again after such a loss?

Cancer sucks.

Jean

[Kasey]

I HATE this damn disease too .

I agree.............cancer SUCKS .

I don't know how to find happiness again after such a loss, Jean .

I hear you.....I 'heart' you.....I hug you.

Kasey

[ginnyde]

This is so true Jean, BUT remember that Thom loved your very much and would not want you to be unhappy, miss him for sure but try and find some happiness as a tribute to your beautiful relationship. I know it is not easy.

I still miss Earl with all my heart and it is over 7 years.

[jean44]

Thanks ladies for your love, hugs, support and words of encouragement. I appreciate your replies.

I really miss Thom and everything that we should have had/could have had together.

You're right Ginny. Thom would want me to be happy. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to do that.

Thanks again,

Jean

[RandyW]

it is hard ! I have friends here who are searching (Means ME!!LOL!!) and others who have ! it happens in time when it happens! be happy in day to day life and celebrate your life and your accomplishments like I do and things will happen when they do! Michelle is living with her new boyfriend now and is absolutely elated about it! Carleen married Keith's best Friend and is doing well last I heard and of course Don Wood married a friend of Lucy's after she passed!! Everything happens when and how it happens!

Hugs and Prayers for you !!

[Nick C]

Yes, it does suck...it doesn't go away...

I always feel like I'll never be over or past it...but I do feel like that doesn't mean I haven't moved forward.

Hang in there

[jean44]

Thanks Nick, no it NEVER goes away.

I guess it will happen when it happens Randy but, I am just really sad, lonely, heartbroke and just want to be happy. Thanks Randy.

I keep praying for better days.

[lilyjohn]

Jean my heart goes out to you because I know only too well how you feel. It will be nine years in December sense my Johnny was taken from me. So much happened those last months of 2002 that I don't even need a calendar to know witch days were the good and witch were the bad ones. Every year I go through those months again. I try not to but I do. The pain is not as sharp but it is still there. As I have said before, it has become so much a part of me and who I am that I wouldn't know what to do or how to act without it.

Some people do go on and find happiness again. That is as it should be. When my ex died my grandson had such a hard time and thought that if he was happy in any way it was a betrayal of Denis. While helping him to see that not being happy was the real betrayal I learned that lesson for myself.

As you know, as all of us know there are degrees of happiness. Am I happy? I guess in many ways I am. I think the right word to use is content. I find contentment in everyday things. simple things. I try to concentrate on that and when the memories come I try to use the good ones to make me realize that dispite all of the loss in my life I am so fortunate to have those good memories to relive. They all can make me cry, both the good and the bad so I shed the tears and try to feel Johnny's love that I know surrounds me. That brings me some peace. I don't ask for or expect more.

I have had two serious relationships with men in my life and they both have caused me a lot of pain. That pain has made me grow into the person I am today good or bad. I don't want another relationship like that. My love for Johnny lay buried in my heart for all of the rough years of my marriage and I didn't even know it at the time. It sustained me. Then my marriage ended badly. Johnny and I found eachother again and had 5 precious months together. They were full of doctors and cancer treatment but they were also so full of love that I still feel that love. His death left me shattered but slowly his love has lifted me up to a place that I can live and be content. Any other relationship would only be second best and I don't want that.

So find something no matter how small it may seem and hold on to it. Research your family or his. Find stories about him or either of your familes when you were younger. Find someone else who is suffering from such a loss and talk to them. Sharing can help. Always remember we are here. Many of us are where you are and we do understand. So much love and prayers going out for you. I hope you can find some sense of peace because in the long run that is what matters the most at this stage of life.

[jean44]

Thank you dear Lily for your sweet words. I know you understand.

I am so thankful for the memories that Thom and I made together however, I am having a really tough time rememebering and being happy and not remembering and being sad. I am sad when I think of Thom because I can't seem to look forward without him here with me.

I think that's the biggest issue I have is moving forward because I can't seem to put my past behind me. I know that to move forward I can still have those memories but, I have to accept the fact that Thom can no longer be a part of it and I have to let that part of him (the physical part of him NOT being here) go.

I just am so tired of being sad. I WANT to be happy. I know that I am the only one that can make that happen but, I just can't let go yet.

Thanks so much for all of your responses.

Hugs to you all,

Jean