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turning a page long overdue


lilyjohn

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Several times in the past I have gone into my old papers and tried to clean them out. I never had any success until today. I took down the box with all of the papers I kept after Johnny's death. For over a year I researched and wrote complaints and letters. I had made lists of questions and comments about all that I knew had not been right about his treatment. I have held onto those things for this nine years sense his death. Some things I saved because somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking that someday someone will read them and see how hard I tried to prove my case. How much effort that I put into proving how wrong his death was and how much that effort proved my love for him.

When I started in that box today I was doing the same thing then suddenly a thought occured to me. By saving all of that I am making my love for Johnny and our time together all about his sickness and his death. It is time to let it all go and to start living in the light of the love that I know surrounds me everyday. The love that he has for me just as I still love him. The pain still comes and goes but from now on when I have a memory or something brings back a time in our life I want that to be the happy memories. I don't need to prove my love for him or my outrage at his death. I only have to remember the joy that we brought into eachother's lives. I have to remember and love and let go of all the rest.

I know there will still be days of tears and a part of me will miss him until the day that I die. I also know that there are a few things that I can't and won't turn loose but that is alright too. Each will bring a special memory and a few tears and then I can get back to the business of living the life that he wanted for me so badly and that I have worked so hard to have.

So I have a lot of papers to throw away and a lot of memories to keep. I will throw away the papers and the anger and rage that I felt while researching and hold onto the things that bring those special memories. What we had was too special to remember so much of the other things. I don't want to make our time together about his illeness and death. I want to remember our time together as a time of beauy and love. I hope that he sees and knows that I still hold on to his precious love and memory.

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Thank you all of you. I finally finished going through all of those papers and I threw almost all of them away. A few I held onto but only because they had some good information on them. It was alright this time even though I know that more than a year of my life went into all of that. I know that at the time that is what I needed.

I still have a lot of special things that were his and mine that I do keep. Many are cards that I bought for him to let him know my feelings. Others were papers that I wrote about the long journey that I was on. Those I keep and yes they do bring the tears but those are the tears of the happy memories and that is alright. We had only that last 5 months together out of over 40 years but they were so special and I think how lucky we were to have them. We came so close to missing them. I will always see our time together as a very special gift that was meant to help me grow. What else can make us grow and become better stronger people other than love?

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