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sad update


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It has been a long couple of weeks. She finaly wanted me fo come down to help her and I did. Flew down on a Monday the ??? two weeks ago. She refused to go to the hospital that night... the whole reason I flew down. Told her in the am ifshe did not go to the doc or hosptal i was going home.

We started with a filed plua and so a chest tube. Xrays and then an ultra sound due to her swollen warm legs. the results was mulitple blood clots in both legs as high as the hip. so with this she is admitted. then came the ct because of the concern based on her complaints that the clots where more extensive. the result. yes clots in her good lung. the other lung is mostly colapsed due to cancer and she has mulitple tumors in her liver and lymps in her belly. over 8 days we go from hospice to nursing home to rehab to home to mursing home to friends house. On a sunday it was most of the above depending on which doc or staff came in the room. On a tuesday the oncologist came in after the week end and convinced her of hospice house and told her 6 months.

On wednesday meet with hospice staff for weekly round table and they say 2 months or less depending on if she has a blockage. At 75 never had a colenoscopy. DH had a large pre caner polip at 47.

So here we are on Sunday. Pain meds have actually been reduce and yet she is in and out of reality. 2 months may be long.

I am soooooo mad at her. I know she lived the way she wanted but it is litteral killing her. If she had only listened to the doctors at any of the many steps she would not be here now. Even in hopsice she will not eat the food they have because it is to full of sugar and sugar will kill you. really!!!! so I go to the health food store and get her food. I want ot go home and see my kids! I want a hug! I want to yell at her!

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Dear one,

I have not been in your exact place, but my Mom died from lung cancer when I was 27. She did treatment for 2 months and it was ugly (this was many years ago.) Sometimes I wish we hadn't put her through that.

You can't change what has happened, but you can choose to make the best of what you are going through. I say you - not her. She has made her choices and I hope you can accept that these are her choices. If you don't want to be there, can't be supportive of what really does sound like her last days (though could continue for many weeks or months), go home and live the best life you can with your kids. It sounds like she has friends and caregivers who are ready to take on this load. You are allowed to let them.

And you can tell me this is all b*llpucky, but I mean it from my heart.

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I hope somewhere in her "stubborness" she realizes how lucky she is to have you. But Stephanie is right - the choices she has made are her choices and perhaps one of the hardest lessons in life is coming to the realization that we can't make the people we care about do what they need to do to take care of themselves. Your kids and DH need you as well - and you also need to take care of yourself.

Will be keeping you in my thoughts.


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